anger and boogers.

hi.

i have been meaning to post some pictures on this here blog. i have several from recent non-adventures. instead, what finally got me back on here was this guy i ran into today. i don't know his name, so in order to avoid sounding impersonal, i'll just call him snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron.

today i was walking down the sidewalk with my soy latte, my guilty pleasure from starbucks. i had just been reading over my dissertation proposal, basking in the beauty of its continuing improvement, toying with the idea that maybe someday i'll be a real academic whose work is published in real sociological journals. i remembered with joy what it sounded like to hear "your masters degree will technically be awarded january": the frustration of having to wait so long was immediately replaced by overwhelming pride in a job done. i was enjoying the beautiful day and the snuggly scarf my mom knitted so long ago she can't even remember, when i saw a guy walking towards me.

when i said the man (soon to earn the title of snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron) was walking towards me, i mean exactly that: he was veering diagonally across the sidewalk towards me. confused at his seemingly erratic behavior, i realized he was covering his entire face with his gloved hand, apparently blowing every face orifice into what i hope and fear was a used handkerchief of the type that the fuddy-duddy-englishmen-type carry.

seeing that he was headed straight towards me, i remembered how only this morning i vowed to take good care of myself so i would not get the flu, even though i (foolishly perhaps) decided not to get a flu shot. too late, i realize now, i called out "excuse me!" a split second later, he smashed into me, spilling my coffee all over me and knocking me off balance-- and off the sidewalk.

"JESUS!" i cried out, perhaps calling out to Jesus to please not let this nasty snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron infect me with his grossness, perhaps just expressing the intense exasperation i felt at having been completed ignored. is it unreasonable, i ask, to expect people walking down the sidewalk to pay attention to wear they are going? to who they might run into? especially when they are sick and in the process of grossly, publicly, disposing of their illness productions, however ineffectively?

then, to my surprise, and the part that forced me to share this gross story with you:

"PLEASE! I COULDN'T SEE YOU BECAUSE I WAS BLOWING MY NOSE." i heard him snap at me as i walked on, shaking my shoes off and inspecting my jeans. my ears perked up when i heard him, and i made a face that said "what the hell?" but didn't turn to face him.

"ASSHOLE," concluded snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron, so loud that i heard him over the disco jazz playing in my headset, even though he was several feet away by then.

hmm. sigh.

i walked on, back to work, shaking my head in wonder.

people say i'm mean sometimes. i think i'm pretty nice. no... i can't let that slide. i'm not that nice. i can be mean. and speaking of mean, there are a lot of things i wish i had said to snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron. so many things.

but i didn't say anything. why? because i was foolish enough to learn manners growing up? because i have learned my place as a girl/lady/woman? that i'm supposed to put up with rude asshole men treating me like i'm invisible, like i'm worth no more that a common handkerchief? that as such, i'm not allowed to speak up for myself and under no circumstances am i supposed to be rude?

oh, you showed me, snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron. i forgot all my teachings but you showed me with your rough talk. i'll know better in the future. i won't expect common courtesy in the future. if i make the idiotic mistake to do so, i won't bother standing up for myself and i promise, snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron, i promise i'll never insult you, you fucking asshole snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron.

trying not to externalize. trying not to externalize. the thing is, i'm not going to internalize anymore either. and that's kind of what women are taught to do growing up.

it has been so hard to learn how to let stuff like this go. but i'm trying.

snot-nosed-jerk-face-moron is just lucky that the reverend al green came on to soothe the savage beast (me). i just hope i didn't get SARS or the avian flu or whatever widespread epidemic is (not) going around this season.

charity >:)