Ram Dass interviewing Thich Nhat Hanh

I'm currently watching Ram Dass: Fierce Grace. It's really amazing. And of course, I've loved Thich Nhat Hanh for some time. His work has really changed my life for the better.

Charity :-)

i love this song!

I posted an entry about Michelle's cat Marley on my other blog and Bob Marley came up on the YouTube. Ben used t hate Bob Marley - basically his argument was that he has become "imagey" to use Michelle's term (long story) - but the thing about that is that Ben pretty much hated everything. He was probably just going through a bad time, but maybe he just needed to listen to more Bob Marley. ;-)

good walk!

Once, a long time ago, I realized that the main reason I write in my journals is that I'm so upset and need to vent/"write things through." So it struck me that if I died, and someone was reading my journals, trying to remember the wonderful times with me, and how much they loved me, and how much I enriched their existence... they'd be inundated with entries about how bad my PMS is, and about how useless I am and how much my friends hate me, and how I have screwed up so much and so bad... It really kind of freaked me out. I know it's not best to imagine someone reading your journals after you die, since the whole point of journaling is that you're free to write what- and however you want. But anyway, so I'm trying to at least write more positive things, since in general I love my life, I don't even get really bad PMS, I am very helpful and productive at work, I've done tons of awesome things including earning a PhD, and all my friends love me, since that's kind of the definition of friendship...

So anyway, I walked to the grocery store today. It's a beautiful day! I passed by a house and a boy was lying in the front yard. When he saw me he played dead which was hilarious. Then while I was in the store, I was reminded of things I had forgotten, instead of the usual, i.e. me forgetting everything one thing at a time. Then the bagger got all my stuff into my one reusable bag, and everyone was very friendly.

As I walked home, I passed the boy again, who was actually practicing his baseball (shortstop) with his dad. AWESOME! I thought it was some sort of miracle thing that never actually happens, since the dad in people's stories is always too busy to play catch. They were having a great time, though, so I can see why the others are upset about missing it.

Then I saw my landlord and asked him about repainting my apartment for me and he totally is! And he even said I could pick out colors, and that he would take that crazy massively-chipping many-layered paint on the door OFF, and refinish the original door casings!

As if that wasn't enough, when I got home I checked my mail and I got a birthday card. With a check in it.

The other night, after improv, I went to the grocery store. I had been practicing a really cheerful, sweet character, so I wondered "Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to be in character as I walk through Kroger." By the time I got in the door, I didn't even need to be in character anymore. Being nice and being treated nicely was in itself enough to keep me feeling cheerful and happy without the character.

Sweet. Now if only my cat would quit peeing on my laundry.

Charity :-)

Carolina Beach Photos August 2009

So many pictures, so few subject matters...

Enjoy!
Charity :)

At Home in Asheboro August 2009

Mom, Seussie, Richard, and me.

Old Photos! (April 09)

I spoke with Sanks on the phone recently. I'm excited that he's coming back from India soon! In the meantime, it's awfully difficult to align convenient times to talk since India is 9.5 hours ahead of us.

Anyway, it reminded me that I hadn't posted these photos, which I found in my camera when I went to the beach. Oh, I guess I need to post those, too.

Charity :)

Pretty, Ugly. Tomato, Tomahto.

Someone made a CD for me and gave it to me tonight. Stuck in the middle there was an old song:



I used to love that song. I think when I was little I thought about that, about how pretty women would get their payback when no one would marry them. Because really, what women really need is another reason to compare their looks to the looks of other women, and judge each other based on these comparisons. Oh, and judge each other based on the success of getting a man.

"Hey man, I saw your wife the other day."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, and she's UGLY!!!!"
"Yeah she's ugly, but she sure can cook!"

It pisses me off that this song is so danceable, because I'd rather hate it; it might be responsible for a large number of my neuroses. That, and the teen novel I read that described a girl as beautiful and even more so because she didn't think she was. Somehow along the way, I became convinced that I was not pretty, and that my thinking so was a good thing. And I also got all of the advice (HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HEARD THIS?!?!) that as soon as I think I'm not going to meet someone; as soon as I give up on love, love will walk right in the door.

Almost a year ago this week my mom told me that I'm "one of those women who meets the perfect guy when she's 45." Yay. Great. I always think that's bullshit, and then another year passes and I find myself in the exact same position, with the exact same issues.

A friend told me that just because I change my behavior, I can't expect the world around me to change overnight. However, I would expect SOME difference. Instead, I'm still in the situation of having 1) guys who want to be my little brother, and 2) guys who want to go on one date with me (preferably without the date part).

I'm so fed up with the whole thing. And then I hear songs like the one above and it just tears me up inside. Mostly because I remember young Charity hearing this song and becoming convinced that having poor self-esteem is the way to meet a wonderful man and finally (of course, with the man's help) have the life I always wanted.

It's just so twisted. And I hate to say it, but I may have also been influenced by third wave feminists. I'm thinking, for example, of Ani Difranco's anthem of anti-pretty:

"Not A Pretty Girl"

I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

As if pretty girls, as a rule, need to be rescued and can't be self-sufficient. I mean, sure she allows that the "kittens" in the "trees" might figure out how to get out of the trees, but why so defensive? Why so combative? So now I'm supposed to be irritated at beautiful women and at men? So basically what is left is me as an ugly spinster! Yay!!

Not a Pretty Girl

(This video was made by someone and posted on MySpace, obviously. It was the only video I could find of the entire song.)

All of that is bullshit. You have to be pretty, you have to know you're pretty, and you have to expect love to get love. You can't love another and allow them to love you if you don't love yourself.

And the thing about "pretty" that it took me so long to realize is that you can be pretty simply by KNOWING you're pretty. The truth is, if you think you're not, even if you are, you don't look pretty. You look sad, and bored, and rejected, and defensive, etc. And if you think you are, even if you're "not," you look pretty. You look fun, and happy, and warm, and inviting, and interesting. It's about carrying yourself, and about knowing what you want and deserve and having faith that it will come along.

Before Sunrise

Ok, ok. It's haunting me. I have to say something about Before Sunrise (Linklater, 1995). One of my girlfriends loves this movie so I guess I was expecting good things. "When Harry Met Sally" is her favorite movie, so I should not have been surprised at the nature of this movie. However, even though WHMS is cheesy and frequently eye roll-prompting, I found quite a few things to love about it. Not the case here. First, Ethan Hawke is gross in this movie. He looks gross, he acts like an asshole, his character is an idiot, annoying, and ignorant. I just can NOT see Julie Delpy's character falling for him. Of course, countless beautiful, intelligent, kind, awesome women have put up with less, especially when they are 23, so I guess that in and of itself is not surprising, but still. Also, the chemistry between the two actors was all off. At the beginning it didn't seem as if they were strangers--they were a little too close to each other and a little too comfortable. However, it wasn't like when you meet someone and want to talk all night or something--it was just... stilted seeming. Contrived. Unconvincing. I did like one scene--the one in the record store where they are in the listening booth and both want to kiss but are too shy. That was the one scene in the movie where I truly believed. It was almost as if it was filmed the first day the actors met and the director told them, "Ok, Ethan Hawke, meet Julie Delpy, Julie Delpy, meet Ethan Hawke. Now both of you get in this tiny room, listen to this record and pretend you like it even though it really sucks and is totally cheesy, and act like you want to kiss each other but are too nervous." Then once they had gone through that they had a connection, but since they (in this pretend world) filmed the beginning afterwards, it was unconvincing because they had already shared that moment. Getting back to the first problem I mentioned and relevant to the comment below (in the Roll Bounce review), this movie was pretty painful to watch also because it reminded me of a really crappy time in my life, where I was depressed and painfully insecure, and therefore dated a bunch of losery jerks and felt lucky to do so. Watching it I wanted to be like, "Julie Delpy, you are WAY too good for him! Don't be sad that you won't see him again. You will find someone totally awesome when you grow up and realize your own awesomeness. Please don't waste your time with him. If you spend time with him you will realize what a douchebag he is, but if you don't get off the train, he won't be given the chance to ruin it and it will always be a sweet romantic 'what if?' memory." Maybe that's colored by my own issues/history, but this is my review, so I reserve the right to color it. :-) Interestingly, Ethan Hawke convinces Julie Delpy to get off the train with him by arguing that if she doesn't, she will always wonder "what if?" I say, sometimes it's better to hang on to the fantasy. I notice that I have conflated the actors with the characters in this review. I can't remember the character names and don't care to look. Let's see, right: Jesse and Celine. Blegh. I'll leave it to you to guess which one was which. I also think the fact that I recently saw Julie Delpy (with Adam Goldberg) in 2 Days in Paris, which I slightly more (again, probably because of my own neuroses), has tainted my review a bit. It was also about a French girl walking around a European city with an American guy. But I'm sticking with it. The ferris wheel was neat, though. Image source.

Roll Bounce

I love this movie. I JUST LOVE IT. I can't even describe it. The skating, the funny, the love, the friendship. It's awesome. And the music. The music is great! Awful trailer (not nearly as good as the movie, trust me):

cake wrecks (blog link).

This is the funniest website I've seen in recent memory. I kept calling my co-worker back into my office to show her yet another crazy ridiculous cake. I wish I had that photo of my little brother's 11th birthday cake on which the decorator had represented him as a stick figure. With a third leg. Unfortunately that was before digital cameras. And I don't have a scanner.

menstruation.

according to Molly's nurse:





according to disney and kotex:






according to brian de palma and stephen king:

late summer cleaning.

I was talking with a friend about astrology the other day. Do I believe in it, etc? Some of my colleagues are surprised that I follow it - which I do out of curiosity rather than faith. However, in my life I (choose to) see a great deal of support for the personality aspects (not so much the daily horoscopes, in which I have absolutely NO faith).

I'm a Virgo. I have thought that to be so funny for some time, as I cannot for the life of me keep my apartment presentable (seriously, I mean presentable and not spotless or even mostly clean). However, I have realized that with this transitional period, I am cleaning out my life.

Now is my time to decide what I want and what I don't want. Finishing my dissertation enabled me to get rid of my albatross, so to speak, and I'm excited to see what else I can get rid of. I'm streamlining. I am afraid, though, that perhaps there are some things that should be retained even though they are stressors. At what point, for example, is a person worth getting rid of?I want to surround myself with positivity, but is that selfish? Or healthy? I can't tell with these things. To what extent do I sacrifice my own happiness in the interest of patience and "tolerance"?

I just feel so liberated and free from the dissertation, that I want to get rid of everything that's holding me back! To what extent am I obligated to wait for others? Is their happiness more important than mine? Can someone be truly happy if he or she is holding someone back or being held back by that person? At what point does self-sufficiency turn into snobbery or intolerance?

I want to approach people and my world with an open heart, but I feel strongly that I must protect myself, because of the way I've been hurt in the past. At what point do common sense and "lessons learned" become stubborn refusal to trust or tolerate others?

[And why did I get a sinus infection? Isn't my life supposed to be perfect from here on out?]

I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, but I also don't want to hang on to things I don't need anymore or that are holding me back. I guess the fact that I have a hard time trusting, forgiving, and letting go is making this a little more difficult than I expected.

Sometimes I miss the days when all I had to worry about was my dissertation.

[NOT.]

the ten

In honor of my achievements, I am here listing a collection of Charity-approved activities:

1) laying out at the pool for however long one wants to
2) listening to the soundtrack from Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
3) reading for pleasure
4) watching (movie) Rachel Getting Married (not for everyone)
5) watching (tv show) Jericho
6) feeling the breeze on a summer's day
7) drinking margaritas
8) enjoying long weekends
9) skipping days in dieting
10) living with cats, esp. Sam y Max

I'm going to go do yoga and pretend I have enough money to pay rent.

Dr. Charity :)

sweet relief?

Soooo,

I finished my dissertation!! Hooray!! My therapist says I should really allow myself to enjoy things--that I don't usually do that. I was enjoying things. Then I went to pay my rent (note: 5 days late) and realized that I am $300 short. Now, I'd love to not sweat the small stuff in this case, but how exactly does one not sweat the inability to pay for one's residence?

I am supposed to start my new job in September, but as you may or may not have noticed, it is now only the beginning of July. This puts me, well, in deep trouble, basically. It's sad, too, because I was just thinking that I would reward myself with a new computer since my current one is really REALLY tired after six long years of labor. However, I imagine Henry the computer will have to just soldier on, since at this point I can't even afford to pay for my home office, my less a new computer to go in it.

And how's this for sad--I didn't think I would be able to go to the pool, because it was raining, so I opened my champagne from finishing my dissertation (a lovely gift) and now 1) It's not raining, 2) I'm tipsy, and 2) if I could drive, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the bubbly.

Oh, woah is me. Have you ever heard such a sob story? I can't wait until I actually have REAL problems. Oh wait, I mean...

Working on my dissertation!

Hello! I'm looking forward to finishing my dissertation! Too bad it's too late to include veterinary acupuncturists!!

Charity :)


(source)

Sharks and Zombies

My favorite scene, possibly from any movie of all time.



I've started reading Everything is Illuminated. Pretty good so far. Tonight I'm watching Genghis Khan. Also, in the video store I snagged tickets for a free advanced screening of Star Trek! Sweeeeeet.

Also, zombies.



And finally, los dos!!

Update. And If this were the soundtrack to a movie, I'm pretty sure I'd like it.

Hello. My name is Charity. Do you remember me? It has been a long time. I have been very busy. Doing what, you may ask? What HAVEN'T I been doing?

It's funny; I don't think I've written in my blog regularly since before I started improv. It's like improv satisfied my need to ... whatever blogging does. Express?

Anyway, last night I got an email from my girl Nikki and it hit me that I needed to write. I love you girl. I don't know if you'll read this, but I do.

I finished 6 months of improv class and loved every minute of it. Well, there were a few scenes I didn't love so much I guess, but mostly it was awesome. I made a lot of neat swell friends, and went to some parties, and flirted with a lot of boys. :) Recently I've been seeing one special boy, but I don't want to write about him here. Just trust me, he's special!

I'm starting improv again next Monday. It's the advanced class, so I'm a bit nervous, but overall I think it will be good--the teacher is tough, and the games are harder, but I think that will be good for me.

I'm not teaching this semester, and it's been really nice to have some time off from that. I'm finishing my dissertation in the next two months (SWEET!) so I will be walking next May. You better save that date, bitches!! I just got some good news about my job, too. They're going to try to hook up a post-doc for me. Yay! That way I will have a job and benefits, but I will also not have to start a new job in this crappy economic climate. Hopefully by next year the economy will be better so I can start a new job making more money than I would this year.

My confirmation to Episcopalian went through and I love my church. Oh, and I'm learning Hindi. So things are good.

Love,
Charity :)
___________________________________________

Opening Credits: State of Clarity (Guru ft. Common and Bob James)

Waking Up: Paper Planes (M.I.A.)

Average Day: I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm (Kay Starr, Stuhr Remix)

First Date: Down Home Girl (Old Crow Medicine Show)

Falling In Love: I Can't Get Next to You (Al Green)

Love Scene: Colors (Amos Lee)

Fight Scene: Dangerous Type (The Cars)

Breaking Up: Basketball Jones (Cheech and Chong)

Getting Back Together: Mutha'uckas (Flight of the Conchords)

Secret Love: Do You Love Me? (The Contours)

Life's Okay: Feeling Good (Nina Simone)

Mental Breakdown: Lush Life (Sammy Davis, Jr.)

Driving: What Am I Going to Do With Myself (Al Green)

Learning A Lesson: It's Been a Year (Greg Laswell)

Deep Thought: My Best Friend's Girl (The Cars)

Flashback: I'll Be There (Jackson 5)

Happy Dance: The Band Played Waltzing Mathilda (The Pogues)

Regretting: Cruisin' (Smokey Robinson)

Long Night Alone: Sailin' (Harry Nilsson)

Death Scene: And Then You (Greg Laswell)

Closing Credits: The Race is On (George Jones)