Pretty, Ugly. Tomato, Tomahto.

Someone made a CD for me and gave it to me tonight. Stuck in the middle there was an old song:



I used to love that song. I think when I was little I thought about that, about how pretty women would get their payback when no one would marry them. Because really, what women really need is another reason to compare their looks to the looks of other women, and judge each other based on these comparisons. Oh, and judge each other based on the success of getting a man.

"Hey man, I saw your wife the other day."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, and she's UGLY!!!!"
"Yeah she's ugly, but she sure can cook!"

It pisses me off that this song is so danceable, because I'd rather hate it; it might be responsible for a large number of my neuroses. That, and the teen novel I read that described a girl as beautiful and even more so because she didn't think she was. Somehow along the way, I became convinced that I was not pretty, and that my thinking so was a good thing. And I also got all of the advice (HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HEARD THIS?!?!) that as soon as I think I'm not going to meet someone; as soon as I give up on love, love will walk right in the door.

Almost a year ago this week my mom told me that I'm "one of those women who meets the perfect guy when she's 45." Yay. Great. I always think that's bullshit, and then another year passes and I find myself in the exact same position, with the exact same issues.

A friend told me that just because I change my behavior, I can't expect the world around me to change overnight. However, I would expect SOME difference. Instead, I'm still in the situation of having 1) guys who want to be my little brother, and 2) guys who want to go on one date with me (preferably without the date part).

I'm so fed up with the whole thing. And then I hear songs like the one above and it just tears me up inside. Mostly because I remember young Charity hearing this song and becoming convinced that having poor self-esteem is the way to meet a wonderful man and finally (of course, with the man's help) have the life I always wanted.

It's just so twisted. And I hate to say it, but I may have also been influenced by third wave feminists. I'm thinking, for example, of Ani Difranco's anthem of anti-pretty:

"Not A Pretty Girl"

I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

As if pretty girls, as a rule, need to be rescued and can't be self-sufficient. I mean, sure she allows that the "kittens" in the "trees" might figure out how to get out of the trees, but why so defensive? Why so combative? So now I'm supposed to be irritated at beautiful women and at men? So basically what is left is me as an ugly spinster! Yay!!

Not a Pretty Girl

(This video was made by someone and posted on MySpace, obviously. It was the only video I could find of the entire song.)

All of that is bullshit. You have to be pretty, you have to know you're pretty, and you have to expect love to get love. You can't love another and allow them to love you if you don't love yourself.

And the thing about "pretty" that it took me so long to realize is that you can be pretty simply by KNOWING you're pretty. The truth is, if you think you're not, even if you are, you don't look pretty. You look sad, and bored, and rejected, and defensive, etc. And if you think you are, even if you're "not," you look pretty. You look fun, and happy, and warm, and inviting, and interesting. It's about carrying yourself, and about knowing what you want and deserve and having faith that it will come along.

Before Sunrise

Ok, ok. It's haunting me. I have to say something about Before Sunrise (Linklater, 1995). One of my girlfriends loves this movie so I guess I was expecting good things. "When Harry Met Sally" is her favorite movie, so I should not have been surprised at the nature of this movie. However, even though WHMS is cheesy and frequently eye roll-prompting, I found quite a few things to love about it. Not the case here. First, Ethan Hawke is gross in this movie. He looks gross, he acts like an asshole, his character is an idiot, annoying, and ignorant. I just can NOT see Julie Delpy's character falling for him. Of course, countless beautiful, intelligent, kind, awesome women have put up with less, especially when they are 23, so I guess that in and of itself is not surprising, but still. Also, the chemistry between the two actors was all off. At the beginning it didn't seem as if they were strangers--they were a little too close to each other and a little too comfortable. However, it wasn't like when you meet someone and want to talk all night or something--it was just... stilted seeming. Contrived. Unconvincing. I did like one scene--the one in the record store where they are in the listening booth and both want to kiss but are too shy. That was the one scene in the movie where I truly believed. It was almost as if it was filmed the first day the actors met and the director told them, "Ok, Ethan Hawke, meet Julie Delpy, Julie Delpy, meet Ethan Hawke. Now both of you get in this tiny room, listen to this record and pretend you like it even though it really sucks and is totally cheesy, and act like you want to kiss each other but are too nervous." Then once they had gone through that they had a connection, but since they (in this pretend world) filmed the beginning afterwards, it was unconvincing because they had already shared that moment. Getting back to the first problem I mentioned and relevant to the comment below (in the Roll Bounce review), this movie was pretty painful to watch also because it reminded me of a really crappy time in my life, where I was depressed and painfully insecure, and therefore dated a bunch of losery jerks and felt lucky to do so. Watching it I wanted to be like, "Julie Delpy, you are WAY too good for him! Don't be sad that you won't see him again. You will find someone totally awesome when you grow up and realize your own awesomeness. Please don't waste your time with him. If you spend time with him you will realize what a douchebag he is, but if you don't get off the train, he won't be given the chance to ruin it and it will always be a sweet romantic 'what if?' memory." Maybe that's colored by my own issues/history, but this is my review, so I reserve the right to color it. :-) Interestingly, Ethan Hawke convinces Julie Delpy to get off the train with him by arguing that if she doesn't, she will always wonder "what if?" I say, sometimes it's better to hang on to the fantasy. I notice that I have conflated the actors with the characters in this review. I can't remember the character names and don't care to look. Let's see, right: Jesse and Celine. Blegh. I'll leave it to you to guess which one was which. I also think the fact that I recently saw Julie Delpy (with Adam Goldberg) in 2 Days in Paris, which I slightly more (again, probably because of my own neuroses), has tainted my review a bit. It was also about a French girl walking around a European city with an American guy. But I'm sticking with it. The ferris wheel was neat, though. Image source.

Roll Bounce

I love this movie. I JUST LOVE IT. I can't even describe it. The skating, the funny, the love, the friendship. It's awesome. And the music. The music is great! Awful trailer (not nearly as good as the movie, trust me):