The Insanity of the Mundane

Hi there. It's been a while. I hope you are well. 

For me, as with most people probably, it's been a roller coaster. 

[By the way, I'm not talking about the kind of coaster that is fun and exhilarating and makes you feel like you're flying and afterwards you stand tall, ready to conquer all of life's problems. I'm talking about the kind of coaster where the seats in the car are covered in pee, the headrest is smeared with blood, and your shoes are ruined by the pools of vomit in the floor, and where you go up the first hill hearing ominous noises and watching nuts and bolts fall to the ground, so you close your eyes the rest of the trip - after you survive, against all odds, you stumble towards the exit and collapse on the bench outside, unable to walk or eat or drink water for the rest of the day due to the lingering nausea and psychological trauma. Not fun. But a teaching moment.]

As 2020 starts again for the third time, I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, useless, and defeated. I truly hope you feel better.

I've missed blogging and writing, but have been basically paralyzed by angst for the past however many months. In mommy terms I would say that my current trauma state is entering its 25th month. 

[On second thought, I'd probably say my trauma was born August 2016, when Collin and I moved from SF to NC to be closer to our family. Just last night was the latest time one of us looked drearily at the other and said "I wish we'd never left San Francisco." This time it was Collin, but the hot potato goes back and forth repeatedly. That would make the trauma a fitting 66 months old. Deep breath.]

I know everyone is having a hard time, and other people continue to function relatively effectively in this modern pseudo-hell. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am thankful for it. In fact, I'm in an almost constant state of desperation to appreciate everything I have before the other shoe falls and everything immediately slips away. I'm clinging to the bearable NOW before it inevitably turns into the horrific THEN, when I just won't be able to survive it anymore. My mind pushes out adrenaline, whispering enjoy it now bitch and cackling terrifyingly. Then I look around in the silence with wide, wild eyes and say a short prayer of thanks for the mediocrity of my life. 

"Everything's ok," I blurt out to myself as a mantra, hoping no one heard me. "This is fine, I have a wonderful life, I should be happy," I blather on and on inside because if I stop for long, the other voice comes back from the shadows: enjoy it now, bitch.

From the outside I guess it probably seems like I live a life of leisure. The truth is I'm just barely hanging on from one day to the next. I haven't had a full-time job since 2019, and after almost two years of underemployment in a global pandemic my daily routines have become ice floes. I swim from one to the next like a polar bear, all the while stuffing my face day after day in preparation for a hibernation that never happens. I complete my chores and small projects and then try to find a new one before the panic sets in. [Let's not talk about how climate change is making the ice floes further and further apart, but it's clearly happening in my metaphor, too.] 

After 25 months of surviving-not-thriving, I'm feeling pretty hopeless. Actually, hopeless isn't quite the right word. Let's see, what's the feeling called when you are handcuffed in prison on the Titanic trying to stand on something to keep your head above water before you drown? That's what I'm feeling. Maybe not hopeless, but definitely helpless. Just waiting for Rose to show up with the ax, I guess.

I hope you are better. I hope the new year brings happiness and gratitude and blessings and laughter and love to all of us. I hope we find ways to help others. Maybe if we still have hope, we can help, and that will help us all.

Charity

The Curse of Great Beauty

I wrote this story in when I was 30. It's only semi-autobiographical. For instance, I definitely remember the guy walking around the grocery store with a chicken and his cane in the cart, but I don't remember ever gathering a crowd in the tomatoes aisle. I remember thinking at the time, "Wow if it gets this dark when I turn 30 I've got a long road ahead." Indeed.

I was also listening to lots of Clem Snide around that time.

c

The Curse of Great Beauty

My beauty isn’t what it once was.

When I was younger, I would stop traffic. Men, and sometimes women, would stare at me as they drove by, sometimes remembering to wave, but other times just gaze, transfixed, under my spell.

When it first began happening, I didn’t know what to make of it. I had been an adorable baby, but sometime during my pre-pubescence, I had begun looking mousy and nondescript, as one might say. In high school, I had typical adolescent self-esteem problems, and didn’t notice my own blossoming.

When people began staring like that, I attributed it to possible fashion faux pas, always checking myself to see if I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or mismatched shoes, or a giant stain on my shirt front.

I gradually came to realize that there was nothing wrong with me. The realization was exhilarating. I came to look forward to tossing my hair on a breezy day, and could feel the eyes catching the sun as it shone of my shiny tresses. I would dress up to go the grocery, knowing that I could stand in the aisle deciding which type of canned tomatoes to purchase and by the time I left, several people would have stopped to mull over the same decision, casting sideways glances at me while there.

I marveled at the freedom this sort of admiration brought. I never had to remember anyone’s birthday. I never had to worry about an admirer’s faithfulness. I never had to worry that a loved one would see an ugly side of me and turn away in disgust. It was fantastic. This is all I need out of life, I thought, smiling and winking as I passed a group of young men standing on the corner, their female friends scowling subtly, so as not to betray their jealousy.

I never felt lonely.

Then, at some point, I noticed the number of admirers began to dwindle. Just as I was realizing my power, and strength, and beauty—just as I realized I should not take any of it for granted—I realized that I was no longer the center of that attention. I compensated, wearing more revealing shirts at first, then darker eye make-up, then making more eye contact.

One day, as I was getting ready, I had what recovering addicts call a “moment of clarity.” I saw myself. I looked at my face, halfway through the disguising process, and felt like Baby Jane. I looked at my outfit and felt like Jezebel. I thought of all the young women I was competing with and realized that I no longer had what they had—the thing that made them all so gorgeous and had once graced my countenance—peace. Joy in living the moment. Happiness to share in the beauty of the whole world. Just enough self-doubt to be delighted in the affirmation of a beauty just discovered.

All of that was gone now, and no amount of make-up or garish clothing could reproduce it. I had never been so lonely in my life.

I put down my make-up, and took off my disguise. I went to the store and stood in the canned tomatoes aisle, trying to decide between seasoned and unseasoned, organic and conventional, diced and chopped, and while I did, people came through, picking up their cans and moving on. I smiled to myself. I am the invisible woman, I thought. I went to the produce section. People passed me with their carts, pushing their babies, or talking with their partners, or on their phones, hardly noticing I was there. I decided on fresh organic grape tomatoes, smiling again to myself as I imagined the pop of sweetness in my mouth, feeling in my memory the freshly turned dirt of my grandfather’s farm as I squished it between my toes.

I realized—not too late, as these realizations are never too late, but always just on time—that I had been blind all along to my true beauty.

I’m not as beautiful as I once was, but I finally have access to the beauty that really matters. The beauty of my heart, the beauty of my memory, the beauty of my love, the beauty of my family, the beauty of my spirit, the beauty of my soul. And I can finally see that beauty in others.

Now, beauty stops me in my tracks, and I realize that it is everywhere. There is the beauty of a little girl chasing a dog in the front yard, laughing hysterically as the dog plays and loves the only way he knows. I know they are both living life to the fullest. There is the beauty of an elderly man, pushing a shopping cart through the grocery holding nothing but a whole cooked chicken and his cane. I know I can never know the strength and pain he has endured, and only hope that I have the grace and resolve to make it as far. There is the beauty of a middle-aged couple walking through the bookstore together, holding hands, and the beauty of a man picking out a movie at the video store, alone like me.

Of course, there is always the beauty of a young woman walking with her hair blowing in the wind, as well, although it is tinged with sadness for me, and a hope that she will realize sooner than I did where beauty really resides.

Charity Crabtree

Sunday, 24 February 2008

AFI Top 100: Yankee Doodle Dandy (#98 in 2007; #100 in 1998)

Yankee Doodle Dandy is one of those songs that I don't actually think of someone having written. It's like Happy Birthday or something. But someone wrote it - George M. Cohan. And this movie is about him.

Except he's played by James Cagney, who I thought was a tough guy gangster but it turns out he's an actor, and rather versatile. He's of the vaudeville generation, like Cary Grant, and can sing and dance and do all kinds of things other than be tough. But also be tough. He's a renaissance man.

It was directed by Michael Curtiz who went on to direct Casablanca and Mildred Pierce and a few others (he directed 166 NBD).

I'm really glad I decided to try to watch more of these movies, because otherwise this is definitely one I wouldn't have seen. I would be interested in knowing why it was selected, though, in all honesty. I mean it's interesting and enjoyable but the songs seem to be more memorable than the movie, and they had already been written.

One thing about this movie that really has stuck with me, though, is the way the cultural context of its creation and release is reflected. This will probably seem to come out of left field, but it really reminded me of Wonder Woman (not the new blockbuster movie that I really really want to see and that is supposed to be awesome, but the TV show with Lynda Carter that came out in 1975).

Wonder Woman was released in the mid-1970s, and there were a couple of interesting things going on (you know, one or two). The Vietnam War had ended and the population of the United States was grappling with moral dilemmas that never plagued the ends of previous wars, in addition to facing the reality that we may have actually "lost" a war (although I'm not sure there are ever any "winners" in war).

The "New Left" social movements of the 60s and 70s (notably the Women's Liberation, Civil Rights, and Lesbian and Gay movements) were escalating and causing additional moral dilemmas in the general population, and raising questions about equality and freedom and basic human rights that lawmakers in the United States had been avoiding for centuries.

Speaking of centuries, the bicentennial of the United States was approaching as well.

So when I watch Wonder Woman (and this is why I used to show it in my Culture and Gender courses), I don't just see the dramatization of a comic book. I see a celebration of United States world power set at the end of WW2, a war where the US definitely had the moral high ground and came out victorious. I see a celebration of a woman who is straight, white, and traditionally feminine and beautiful, and oh yeah, an Amazon - not a woman demanding equal pay for equal work or freedom of reproductive choice (for example). And although she is somewhat anti-war, she goes to fight for the side of right and justice, which by the way is the American side. I see a celebration of a simpler time, when US (hegemonic) culture wasn't challenged by things like space travel and inequality. A time when people knew their place, even Amazons.




This probably sounds really random if you have not seen Yankee Doodle Dandy, but let me explain - it come out in 1942, at which time US gen-pop didn't know how WW2 was going to turn out. There was fear and anxiety, understandably, since this was the second World War in 30 years, and the first war was called "The Great War" because it was supposed to be the war to end all wars.

So Yankee Doodle Dandy was a movie about someone who wasn't a soldier but who devoted all his talents to service to country. At one point he tries to enlist but is encouraged to continue inspiring the country with his songs and performances. He eventually wrote a few songs that were used in boosting morale during WWI, which is why FDR gives him the Congressional Gold Medal. I mean, yes he put on minstrel shows that failed miserably and yes he sided against actors in the 1919 strike which caused him to take a long break from the theatre, but these events were glossed over in the film in favor of producing a hyper-patriotic film that might help do for the United States in 1942 what George Cohan's music did for the United States during WW1.

Overall I enjoyed the movie quite a bit but am glad I have this healthy sense of skepticism that caused me to research what "really" happened in Cohan's life and in the context of the movie release.

In another unrelated point, people don't write music like they did - songs that are sung and then passed on and then sung by people at bars and parties and on the battlefield. It's kind of sad, although we do have quite a few leftover from that time... But I don't think it even "works" the same way. I guess it's because we have so many different sources of new music, and listen to our music in our earphones rather than having to go out in public. That's another thing that interests me about culture - how technological developments (like home radios, then boomboxes, then walkmen, then mp3 players, etc) change the ways we interact with cultural objects, which in turn influences the types of cultural objects that are produced.

But I think I've said enough about this movie. Up next is Do the Right Thing. I'm not making very much progress but I'm having a good time. :-)

AFI Top 100: Ben-Hur (#100 in 2007; #72 in 1998) (so many spoilers)

Ben-Hur was released in 1959 and people thought it was pretty good. It won 11 Academy Awards (out of 12 nominated), which is still a record, although it's now tied with Titanic (14 nominated) and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (11 nominated). Although it was not the highest grossing film in history at the time, it was the second highest, after Gone with the Wind. Which was good for the studio, since it had the largest budget of any film yet made ($125 million adjusted for inflation) and the largest sets. The Director was also paid the highest base salary ($350k in 1958 dollars) plus bonuses. This film was so epic that although they used miniatures to film the sea battles, I'm sure they were the biggest miniatures ever used. And the musical score is still the longest ever composed.

Oh and it has a chariot race scene that people kind of like. Which is good because it took 5 weeks spread over 3 months to film it. Yes, the one scene. And no this doesn't count the months of practice that the actors had to do to be able to drive the chariots, or the building of the second identical track where the horses and riders could practice. So yes, it did require sacrifices and hard work, but no one died during filming it, which is a commonly-repeated urban legend. However, the son of one of the scene's directors, Charleton Heston's stunt double, was in a really bad accident that could have been fatal but luckily he only received minor injuries. The accident was in the final cut but they cut in a close up of Heston climbing back into the chariot afterwards [whew].

The horses in this scene though. Amazing.

This movie really is epic. From the acting, to the directing and cinematography, to the music and the extras... It's really amazing to think how many people worked so hard to make this thing happen. But it's not just huge things, it's little things, too. For instance, I noticed was that most of the Romans had British accents in contrast to most of the Jews. Turns out that was intentional. According to Wikipedia, Director William Wyler "typically cast the Romans with British actors and the Jews with American actors to help underscore the divide between the two groups. The Romans were the aristocrats in the film, and Wyler believed that American audiences would interpret British accents as patrician." Directors are clever. I love how decisions they make, that audiences might not ever notice, still have an impact on how the audience perceives the film. 

Like how they never showed Jesus' face. It's interesting how Jesus is so crucial to the story but he's portrayed almost as an extra. Of course you always know it's him because his hair is always beautifully brushed and people always stop and stare at his face for a long time, which is interesting because as I mentioned, his face is never shown to us.

See? It's so obvious which one is Jesus even from the back.

In all seriousness, though, Ben-Hur is a film that has been impressive for 55+ years and will certainly be so for many more, so in one sense it's timeless. At the same time, it is definitely a film of its time (1959) based on a book of its time (1890). For instance, who can forget Sheik Ilderim (played in brownface by actor Hugh Griffith, who won an Oscar for his portrayal) joking to Ben-Hur when he mentioned in an offhand way that he might like to find a wife: "One wife? One God, that I can understand - but one wife! That is not civilized. It is not generous."

I don't even know how many wives I have! LOL!

I was also amazed at how upwardly mobile Ben-Hur was during his enslavement. He starts as a slave dying of thirst in the desert, but ends up a Roman noble, or something like it.

As a galley slave, his new master Quintus Arrius whipped him; when he flinched and stopped himself from lunging forward Arrius was pleased: "You have the spirit to fight back but the good sense to control it. Your eyes are full of hate, Forty-One. That's good. Hate keeps a man alive. It gives him strength."

I'M TALKING AT YOU, 41!

And then after a few things happen - like QA leaving BH unchained before a battle and BH saving QA during the battle and QA winning the battle by luck/chance even though everyone else died - and QA is like, woah I love this dude. So he adopts him. Because really, I'm sure every slave's biggest hope and dream is that their owner/master will claim them as an heir in front of all their rich friends. 

Hey everybody! I'm giving all my property to this guy as long as he doesn't mind remaining my property. Because that's true love. I'm even going to change his name from Number 41 to my name. Because that's true love. Who cares what his real name is, anyway? Now eat more food cooked by my cooking slaves and watch my dance slaves dance for you. Aren't they fun?!

Speaking of true love, BH and Messala have a very interesting relationship. They appear to have a really strong bond. I'm not trying to say men can't be friends, but you just don't see many men doing champagne toasts with arms intertwined these days, for better or for worse. 

#brotime

It's always made me a little sad to see how representations of straight men in the 50s in America showed more expressiveness, since I also know that at this time actual homosexual feelings were always hidden. Now that it's more acceptable to be gay, straight men seem to avoid showing affection so their emotions don't threaten their straight masculinity. 

In The Celluloid Closet, Gore Vidal explained that he coached the guy playing Messala that their relationship should have homosexual elements and that he should act like a spurned lover to justify the vindictiveness that comes out throughout the latter part of the film. Of course, Wyler and Heston were both like, "Hey, no, totally no homoerotic stuff here!" so I guess, you know, typical straight guy bro-lationship. (Even that word "homoerotic" makes it seem like men that express emotions with one other is somehow a significant departure from "normal" behavior. It's especially sad to me because my "homoerotic" relationships with women have been so important in allowing me to define who I am - to think about hiding the love and affection and companionship I felt with them over my lifetime is just really sad. Of course the reason I can show this affection is not unrelated to the fact that it's fetishized by straight men, but I'm getting off topic here.)

All in all, I'm really glad I watched this movie. I would definitely watch it again if I find myself with 4 hours and nothing to do. 

Or I might just rewatch the chariot race scene.

Ben-Hur (1959) Chariot Race by mariusangol
You're welcome. :-)

PS -- There were several sequences when Ben-Hur was in the galley (which looks like really difficult work and not very fun to get whipped obvs) but I couldn't help but think about how nice it would be to have a personal drummer when I do the rowing machine. That would really be useful to keep me going. I can't see working on a galley and then having to go make sandwiches 5 minutes into it or feed the cats - sure it has nothing to do with me not wanting to exercise, it's just you know the cats are clearly starving to death you know - the only downside I can see (aside from being enslaved and having to go down with the ship when it is rammed or catches on fire because I'm chained to my post) is that forever after hearing a good beat must cause your PTSD to flare up. That would make going to the club unbearable. But as I approach 40 I find that going to the club is already pretty unbearable so basically let me know if you want to be my personal workout drummer ok thx

Here Goes! 400 B4 40

Ok so after much consideration and preparation (like, too much I know), I've made a decision about what I will do in preparation for or in honor of my upcoming milestone birthday. This is in addition to any road trips or tropical vacations I may or may not be able to make happen.

I think lists are good but I found that there were several categories of things I wanted to do, so I decided to use "40 by 40" as an inspiration or guideline rather than a format. If I end up doing all of the things listed below, it will actually be 400 things. So... NO PRESSURE.

Basically the first thing on my list is to decide for myself what is appropriate and then live that truth.

So technically 401 then. I need to leave before I add more things to this list!!!

Forty Playlists:

I'm going to do a playlist for each year of my life. I'll make these Apple Music Playlists so I can share the link in my blog. I've already started the first playlist (YEAR 1: 1977) and I'll post the link ASAP! This is going to be really fun. I'm using songs that either came out or were hits in each year. Not sure how you are with math but you might notice that 2017 will actually be Year 41 so 1) I'm off the hook for that one but also 2) I'm technically on my firty-first year already.  #gtfo

Forty-ish Films:

One thing that I've always wanted to do is watch all the films on the American Film Institute Top 100. I was in college when they first put the list together and I remember one of my professors lamenting the fact that they had included Birth of a Nation. But where was the outrage about Dances with Wolves!? Just kidding. They revised the list in 2007 and I note they removed both but they also made lots of changes to the list and I wanted to take some time and allow myself to explore that. So this seems like lots of fun. When I originally counted, there were around 40 that I thought I had not seen. I recounted and actually I've seen lots more than 60 but don't remember lots of them well. I'm saying 40 because I am going to try to watch all of them, and if I get through the first 40 by September then I will be pleased. Although I'm actually going for all 100. From the 2007 list. Then I'll revisit the 1998 one.

Forty Defining Experiences:

I'd like to make a list of 40 defining experiences that I've already had that have made me who I am today. This can be achievements or events or failures or milestones or moments of awakening - it's a pretty broad list because I don't want to stress about it too much. Otherwise I'll have to put creating this list on the list and that's just too meta.

Forty Chores:

I'm sure I can get a list of forty chores I need to do around the house. Well I'm not sure, but I think it's pretty likely.

Forty Unbroken Chains:

I didn't get to finish my May Minimalism Challenge because of the rude interference of life (how dare you!) so I'll finish by getting rid of forty things I don't need! I really enjoyed the Minimalism Challenge. This might be something I want to do every birthday. 

Forty Letters:

Although my arthritic hand aches just thinking about it, I would like to write 40 letters to people. I think that's a doable and enjoyable task. I'll write a letter to myself, too, which is something that is always included in those 40 before 40 lists.

Forty Acts of Self-Love:

This is another very broad category, including things like painting my nails into a rainbow, getting a nice haircut, meditating, doing yoga at home, etc. I'd like to do 40 days in a row of meditation and 40 days in a row of yoga at home, which might be pushing it. But I do have 97 days, which is way more than 40...

Forty Job Applications:

Apply for forty jobs! Can I do it?!? Yes! Will all of them be dream jobs? No, probably not.

Forty Photos:

I'd like to select forty photos from over the years - not necessarily one from each year because I lost my senior scrapbook in the move out west which was the worst part of my life so far. So I don't have photos from each year. But I'm pretty sure I can come up with forty photos which might make up for the loss a little. (Not really, but I'm trying here.)

Forty Haiku:

I really like writing haiku so it would be fun if I could manage to write 40 in honor of my birthday. I'll think about that, though. Haiku is not fun (or good) if forced.

Here's my first:

approaching forty

so much has been accomplished

so much left to do

charity :-)

40 before 40 (study/quiz 4)

This list is originally from Land Lopers, a travel blog. It's a little advanced and unrealistic but I'm hoping there are a few ideas. I do like the brevity of the items on the list!

1.  Learn yoga. 

Done. I would like to set up a daily practice though.

2. Go on an epic solo journey. 

Although admirable, I'm not sure that's feasible at this point.

3. Speak at more conferences. 

I would love to go to more conferences, but I don't really have a place right now.

4. Learn basic automotive repair – change a tire, etc. 

That sounds like a great idea but again, not sure I'll have time before 40.

5. Pick up on my genealogical research to pursue my British roots.

Mom did more of this than I'd be able to do anyway! It's nice to know.

6. Go bungee jumping. (I’ve done bungee swinging.)

Interesting. I think I'll pass on this, but ziplining still sounds wonderful.

7. Learn basic sewing, so I can quickly attach a button. 

Done! I'd like to do more embroidery, though. Maybe some applique.

8. Fly in First Class. Not Business or Business/First, but a full-fledged First Class experience. 

My first flight was to Hawaii in first class thanks to my best friend's dad's traveling salesman frequent flyer points. I'm telling you, the trip home was rough.

9. Go to the North Pole. 

Ok, adorable travel blogger. :-)

10. Learn to play guitar. 

I'd rather just get more practice playing the piano!

11. Paddle in a Dragon Boat. 

My SF hair stylist's daughter was on a dragon boat team - it's not really my thing but she really liked it and apparently they have fun festivals.

12. Learn how to fold shirts. 

I think I fold them well enough - I mean, this isn't something I need to put on any sort of bucket list or anything.

13. Epic road trip across America. 

Done! Glad to see that one of the common items is something I've already done.

14. Attend Highland Games in the Scottish Highlands

Well, I went to the Scottish Games in Western NC many years ago, which wasn't Scotland but was pretty darn impressive.

15. Go camping. Not glamping or gamping but old fashioned camping.

Hmm, I had to look up gamping. I did not realize that was a thing. I would like to go camping but since I've been lots of times I'm not sure I need this on my list either.

16. Learn how to better use my camera.

Not sure I need this on my list, especially since camera phones are so good now! You hardly even need to know where to aim anymore.

17. Go paragliding off of Table Mountain. (or hang gliding anywhere)

I'm good. But I would actually like to go parasailing!!!

18. Start teaching blogging classes and/or giving tours.

I would like to spend more time developing my business/nonprofit idea.

19. Volunteer with a local charity.

Currently doing.

20. Take swimming lessons. I can swim, but not really effectively; I just splash around.

Swimming is fun - I'm happy with my current skill level.

21. Attend a major sporting event.

I went to a UNC football game in high school and a Braves game in graduate school and a Giants game in SF so I feel pretty good on my sporting event experiences.

22. Go to Machu Picchu.

This is on my life bucket list but I'm not going to get to this by 40.

23. Drive a racecar.

My mom and brother recently did the Nascar Experience and it sounds pretty awesome. Again, I think this is better suited to my life bucket list. I need to be more realistic about my 40 before 40.

24. Attend an epic festival or event (Mardi Gras, Holi, Running of the Bulls, etc.).

Bucket list or maybe on second thought I'm not a huge crowd person and I went to Pride in SF a few years so I might just let that count. It was pretty epic.

25. Learn a new language.

Well I already kind of know Spanish and a little bit German and a few words in French and since there's no way I'm going to master any of those by 40 I might just let that be enough, too.

26. Dress more fashionably, more put together.

The problem is that right now I don't fit into any of my clothes and I'm not interested in investing or financially able to invest in a new wardrobe. So I do the best with what I have and when I get a real job I'll buy more fashionable clothes to tide me over.

27. Hug a panda.

Ok, WHAT. IS THIS A THING? Oh my gosh it is because I just did a web search and it took me back to the Land Lopers blog and he actually did it he hugged a panda at Dujiangyan near Chengdu in China and I've always wanted to go to China so this will definitely be on my bucket list but I definitely won't make it before 40 but oh my gosh yes this is the thing for me to do.

28. Go skydiving.

Maybe a bucket list thing? Not sure. I have pretty weird feelings about this, if I'm honest, because this guy I was kind of dating many years ago broke up with me because I was too religious and didn't want to go skydiving with me which blew me away because we hadn't talked about skydiving once and I hadn't been to church in years at the time we dated. The whole thing put a sour taste in my mouth for skydiving and now literally every time I see skydiving in movies or on TV or the internet or someone just says the word I remember that, one of the more bizarre break-ups I've had. Not the most bizarre, mind you. But bizarre.

29. Learn how to make macarons in France.

I do not want to go to France again nor do I need to know how to make something else I'm not allowed to eat. Cool idea though!

30. See the Great Migration in Tanzania/Kenya

This is definitely a bucket list item. Someday. Not before 40.

31. Fly in a private plane.

I guess you don't mean a little plane. I mean, I kind of want to do this but it's not really that important to me.

32. Try SCUBA diving.

I tried it in the 5-feet deep pool during our honeymoon and I'm good. I get it. I still start to feel a panic attack coming on when I think about the time I was snorkeling and the shelf dropped off. I'm not interested in ever feeling that again ever.

33. Read 5 books I don’t want to read. (Moby Dick, War and Peace, etc)

Oh my god multiply that by a million and you'll get to the number of books I've read that I didn't want to over the course of my life. (Thank you dearest graduate school!) At this point I'm trying to find time to read the almost incalculable number of books that I DO want to read!

34. Sit on a beach in the South Pacific/French Polynesia.

YESYESYES BUCKET LIST BY 50 PERIOD DOT

35. Swim in Australia’s Great Barrier Reef.

Oh I hope he got to do this because it's dying.

36. Meet Dolly Parton.

This would be fun! I've heard she's super nice.

37. Write a book.

Question: do photo books count?

38. Play Baccarat in Monte Carlo while wearing a tux.

Not unless I can wire my winnings to my Swiss bank account. And I have determined that it's not possible for me to do this. So no thank you.

39. Visit remaining 9 U.S. states I haven’t been to.

Let's see - calculate the number of U.S. states I haven't been to? Go to one? I'm going to Colorado in June and I've never been there! Score!

40. See the Northern Lights.

Sigh - I would so like to do this. This is on my lifetime bucket list. I want to stay in the ice hotel but I'm definitely not doing that before 40 because the ice rooms don't open until November or so.

Ok I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I was a little worried that I would only have "Lose 40 pounds" and "Get a job" on my list and then feel like a total and abject failure if I don't accomplish both. I'm almost ready to make my list! Just a few more studies...

20 before 40 (study/quiz 2)

This list is originally from Relevant. I wasn't going to include the blurbs they posted but on second thought they seem relevant. LOL I'M SO CLEVER MUST BE COZ I'M ALMOST 40

1. Read the Entire Bible Cover-to-Cover

"Reading the Bible from front to back may sound like a daunting task, but with read the Bible in year resources like the YouVersion app, it’s a manageable goal. Even though you may have already read most of scripture throughout the course of your life, reading it as a linear narrative, one book at a time, gives you a new perspective on the story of the Gospel."

No way in hell. LOL.

2. See Your Favorite Band Live at Least Once

"One day, you’ll want to tell your kids, friends or family about that time you drove all night to see U2 play a stadium in Chicago, found tickets to a sold-out Sufjan Stevens show at a small venue in your hometown or saw Sigur Ros under the stars at an amphitheater. Concert tickets can be expensive, but it's worth it to see a great band live."

The only band I wish I could see that I haven't yet (except for the Dead who are no longer touring RIP Jerry) is Calexico. So I could do that. Although I feel like maybe I already have too many stories about seeing my favorite bands live and nobody really wants to hear any more of them anyway.

Oh by the way did I tell you how I've seen Sufjan Stevens three times and once in a club so small I was like 10 feet away from him and he just had a poster and a guitar and he was so amazing that I fell in love with him and when I left it was like we broke up? 

Oh or the time I saw Ani Difranco in a tiny club on Valentine's Day and she passed out the Valentine's Day streusel her partner sent her in the mail?

Or how when I saw Neko Case and she sang a cover of a Magnetic Fields song I literally wanted to die I was so happy?

Should I tell you more stories? 

Also I don't have kids so thanks for also rubbing that in.

3. Run a Marathon (or Some Kind of Endurance Race)

"No matter what your current fitness level is, there are lots of options for you to take part in an endurance race. Whether it’s a 5K, Tough Mudder or a full-length marathon, choose a distance you’ll actually have to train for a few months to complete. Part of the joy of the accomplishment is looking back at all of the hard work you put in."

DO YOU KNOW ME AT ALL QUIZ

4. Watch Every Film on the AFI Top 100

"Back in 1998, the American Film Institute polled 1,500 leaders in the film community and asked them to help assemble the top 100 American movies ever made. The list (which was updated in 2007) contains some movies that you’ve probably already seen (like Rocky, Forest Gump, Star Wars and Jaws) but its the deeper cuts (like Rear Window, Stagecoach, Duck Soupand All Quiet on the Western Front) showcasing the evolution of filmmaking and American pop culture, that make the task of watching each film such a rich experience."

This has been a dream of mine but I'm not sure I'll be able to see all of them. I will post a follow-up discussing the feasibility of such a mini-adventure.

Also, REAR WINDOW IS NOT A DEEP CUT WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU ANYWAY

5. Pick a Country and Go Visit

"Before you turn 40, pick at least one country that you’ve always wanted to visit, and make it happen. Create a plan to save a little money and store up some vacation time to go to the one place you’ve always wanted to see." 

I want to go to Fiji but the problem is that I don't so much have a job right now so taking a whirlwind trip across the world and staying in a little hut over the water may be slightly out of our price range right now. But thanks for the bizarrely general and price-insensitive suggestion quiz.

Just kidding. No sour grapes here. In fact, why don't I just buy Fiji? How much could it cost, anyway? 10 million jillion dollars? It's way out in the middle of nowhere, right? I'm sure I'll get enough money before I turn 40. It's all about making it happen in the end. I'm envisioning success and 1 million billion dollars in my pocket. Let's make a deal, Fiji. [eye roll]

6. Speak a Second Language

"If you are picking a country to go visit, why not try to also learn the language spoken there?"

Obvs.

7. Write Letters to the Five People Who Have Most Impacted Your Life

"Don’t make the mistake of not telling the important people in your life how much they’ve impacted you. Even if the letters are short, sometime before you turn 40, think of the five people who have helped shape you as an adult, and let them know what they’ve meant to you."

This is pretty good but since I have four parents and one spouse and five siblings how would I choose? This is dumb. I'm unhappy.

8. Watch Every Season of a Few Great TV Shows

"We are living in a golden age of television, in which critically acclaimed shows are the new Great American Novels. Pick out a few of the shows that will be remembered for making serialized TV important again, and watch them in their entirety. Marathon through a series like Arrested Development, The Walking Dead, The Wire or Breaking Bad, and see how the medium of television was reinvented in your generation."

Ok, well since I've seen all of the seasons of all of the shows you've listed I'm counting this one as done. Also, since you didn't mention Battlestar Galactica or Firefly (IN ONE SHORT SEASON THAT SHOW WAS BETTER THAN ALL THE REST OF TV COMBINED), you're dead to me.

Oh, but there is one season of Bob's Burgers I haven't seen yet. And since Fox is a jerk who pulled it off Netflix I'm going to have to buy it on iTunes I guess unless I just don't add this to my list I mean it's good but it's the principle of the thing, you know, and no before you ask I'm not subscribing to hulu just to get one season of Bob's Burgers PLEASE.

9. Give Away Something Really Expensive

"Before you turn 40, you should know the feeling of giving something away that costs a lot of money. Maybe you pool money with a couple of friends to buy a car for a single mom in need. Maybe it’s plane tickets for friend to go on a mission trip. Maybe it’s a bunch of really nice Christmas presents for kids who wouldn’t get any otherwise. At some point in your twenties or thirties, make it your personal goal to save enough money to give someone else something amazing."

You know we ended up giving our landlord in San Francisco almost $100K over the course of 2.5 years so I'm counting that. Also, we lived in San Francisco 5 years and if you notice, that was just the amount we gave to ONE of them. If you don't like it, eat a dick. I'm getting annoyed with this quiz.

10. Make Amends With Any 'Enemies'

"Once you hit your late twenties, you are officially too old to still harbor bitterness toward anyone else. Before you hit 40, make an effort to make amends with anyone in your life that you have any ill feeling toward. As Christians, there’s no excuse to carry unforgiveness—especially through adulthood."

Oh, ok. I see now. This is a Christian List. Technically I'm Christian but I'm starting to think this quiz does not accurately reflect my faith. 

Also, what's this about late twenties? I'm 39, assshit.

Maybe I need to make peace with the author of this quiz because he's definitely my new "enemy."

11. Apply for Your Dream Job

"Don’t look back later in life with regret, wondering what could have been. Even if you don’t think you’re qualified for the job you’ve always dreamed of, at some point in your twenties or thirties, apply for the job you've always wanted. It may not lead to any dramatic career choice, but unless you give it a shot, you will never know."

Done. I didn't get it. Next. 

12. Take the Stage. Alone

"Preach a sermon. Try stand-up comedy. Deliver a TED-like lecture. Find an opportunity to be alone on a stage in front of a crowd with nothing to move them but a microphone and your own thoughts. Public speaking can be terrifying—but it can also be exhilarating ."

I have wanted to take stand-up comedy classes but I settled on improv, which I did for 2.5 years. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU, QUIZ?!?!? Besides, I've given tons of presentations and taught 8 college classes on my own WHEN WILL YOUR DEMANDS ON MY SOUL END

13. Go on a Road Trip of at Least a Thousand Miles

"There’s something philosophical that happens when you’re on the road for more than 15 hours, exploring America through highways and interstates. Just consult the work of Jack Kerouac and you’ll see that the journey isn’t about the destination—it’s about the road trip."

I just drove across the country with my mom when we moved from SF to NC. Thank you for your insight into what happens when I'm on the road for more than 15 hours. Who is this Jack Kerouac. He must be one of the deeper cuts of the beat generation.

Trying. So. Hard. To. Remain. Calm.

Although that reminds me of Carlos Castaneda. Maybe I should add eating peyote to this list. 

Actually, I should probably have eaten peyote before reading this list.

14. Write a Short Story

"Everyone has a good story in them. Take the time to craft at least one good short story at some point in your twenties or thirties. You don’t ever have to publish it or even share it with anyone else, but it’s an exercise of self-analysis that everyone should go through at least once."

I have written lots of short stories but most of them got lost when my motherboard became an hero. Thanks for the mammories. Although maybe I should write another one. It can be about this fucking quiz and how it made me go all the way to San Francisco to cannonball off the Golden Gate Bridge. 

15. Go On a Mission/Humanitarian Aid Trip

"Sure, sometimes “short-term mission trips” have been criticized for offering short-term solutions to long-term needs, but if you find the right destination and the right cause, it can be a life-changing experience. But remember, the point of a trip isn’t to teach others about what you know—it’s also about allowing them to teach you from what they have been through."

I'll bet I could learn a lot from the Others who live in Fiji. And also, I get it with the scare-quotes around short-term mission trip. I'll plan on staying at least a year and a half. Is that not-short-term enough?

16. Learn to Play an Instrument

"Grab that old guitar sitting in the attic, pick up a harmonic or go ahead and purchase that drum set you’ve always wanted. Who knows? Maybe you even a have a hidden talent that’s just waiting to be discovered."

Great. Done. Although there are no old guitars sitting in our attic fwiw and also I'm pretty sure drum sets don't make great impulse buys. I'll be sure and ask my husband, after I "go ahead and purchase" one of course. I wouldn't want to miss out on discovering I have a hidden talent.

And WHAT THE FUCK IS A HARMONIC. Seriously. I'm losing it.

17. Find a Mentor and a Mentee

"You’re never too old to learn from someone older than you—and to teach someone younger."

One question: do cats count?

18. Memorize the Lord’s Prayer, the Apostle’s Creed, the Great Commission and the Beatitudes

"By memorizing these relatively short items, you’ll be able to recite four key principles of Christian faith—how to pray (the Lord’s Prayer), your calling (the Great Commission), the teachings of the Gospel (the Apostle’s Creed) and how to live (the Beatitudes)."

I need to meditate.

19. Face Your Fear

"Whether it’s public speaking, an aversion to water, the fear of rejection or a dislike of flying, you don’t have to totally conquer your fears in your twenties or thirties, but you should face them. Sign up for swimming lessons, go to Toast Masters or even seek counseling. Taking steps to control your fear as an adult will make sure it doesn’t have to control you."

[deeeeeeeeeeep breath] 

my fear... SIR... is that someone will expect me to have done all these gd things before i turn 40 in 105 days. 

20. Sponsor a Child

"There are a ton of organizations (World Vision, Compassion International, ChildFund International), that will let you sponsor a child in need for less than your cell phone bill. Sometime between before your 40th birthday, commit to a year—the letters you’ll receive alone make the whole experience worth it. "

Sometime between before my 40th birthday I will definitely consider this. 

Thank you for dramatically saving this one until the end. 

This list blows.

joys of homeownership, part 2

i can't believe our dryer has been broken for almost a month now. although in other ways it seems like years - we finally went to the store to buy a dryer, disillusioned but relieved to be getting the memorial day sale price at the very least (it was 10% off - not sure I'd say that's a huge sale but I digress)

we looked around and saw the ones we had found online - we asked the salesperson whether we'd have to take the floor model, as the online chat representative had mentioned

she looked at us like we were crazy or like she was really confused it was hard to tell - no of course not, we always order them straight from the vendor, well, unless it's one of the [home improvement sales jargon word] sales - pause - and this isn't - no this isn't one of those sales - ok thanks we'll just look around

so we looked around and decided to go with a different model anyway because they offered a steam feature in the washer - who needs a steam feature in a washer - who knows why does it matter what's the meaning of life anyway

we called to her and she brought us to her desk in the middle of the store to place our order and we sat there despondent as she looked up our washer - looks good - and dryer -

oh you're never going to believe this but it's on backorder - she tried to turn the screen to show us but it got stuck on the credit card reader - it's in transit but we don't expect it until 9/11 - wait, september? disbelief replaced despondency - yes! can you believe it?

yes.

well i might be able to get one for you sooner if you upgrade to the next model or you could go with the other one you were looking at - should we upgrade? what's the difference? who even cares any more? what's the point of any of this? did she say september? fine, let's upgrade even though i know you're just scamming us for the extra $100 bucks let's just throw it at this problem and make it go away -

oh you're never going to believe this but it's on backorder - she tried to turn the screen to show us but it got stuck on the credit card reader and she accidentally turned it off - it's in transit but we don't expect it until 9/11 - wait, september? - yes! can you believe it?

yes.

do you want to try the other model? she looked at us - well we can't possibly wait until september to dry our fucking clothes i thought and looked at collin, delirium and depletion replacing despondency at this point - yes please look up the other model

well it's on backorder too but should be here by 6/18 - that's june right? just a couple of weeks? - to think that we were worried we'd get it before the crew came to replace the ductwork on the first LOLOLOLOL

ok thanks very much here are one million forms to sign thank you have a nice day they will call you in a jillion years to schedule delivery i will never see you again or speak with you but if there's a problem with the delivery just keep all the forms and bring them back to the store and make sure the delivery people sign too otherwise we will think you are lying because we don't trust you any more than you trust us

we walked away - do you need anything else? - um yes we can go out through the garden center and i'll get some weed poison because i'm tired of those weeds in the gravel of our walk - yeah me too let's poison the shit out of those weeds

Not another abandoned child!

Hi random reader. Just wanted to let you know that I have moved to another domain. One of my very own.

Please visit me at charitycrabtree.com!

Wow, I am sad to leave this template. I really love it. Well, Unsolicited, as the show, must go on.

Mr DeMille, I am ready for my close-up!

Collections

Well, I got my first letter from a Collection Agency today. I have officially joined the ranks of the debt-ridden and down-trodden, I guess. I feel so welcome.

Seriously, it's so funny because after almost an entire year (about 10 months) I had actually just finally paid it! Crazy. I wanted to call and be all irate, like "You sisterfuckers! I paid this LAST WEEK after I received your FIFTEENTH NOTICE. Do you really have to be such impatient jerkfaces? Or did you not even bother to get your shit together in time to let the Collection Agency know I already paid this shizzle?! Geez. Let me speak with your manager."

Tonight I'm not in the show (so sad) but I'm SO looking forward to staying at home with the cats, and perhaps even doing some CRAFTS! Hmm, but I guess I should be writing. Last night I wrote a joke. :-) I'm very proud of myself, actually. I'll try to write more tonight. I'm seriously considering the stand-up class. Who wants to give me $500? (Last time I asked for money, the universe provided it, so I thought I'd give it a chance.)

Oh! And also, I'm working lights this weekend at the theatre. All by myself!

I'm full of all kinds of new skills! Better than being chock full of nuts I guess. (The joke is a little better than that...)

xo,
Charity :-)

Aloha!

Tomorrow Sanks and I leave at a ridiculously early hour to get to Honolulu!

I've not needed a break this bad since I-don't-know-when. Honestly, at this point I'm repeating every few minutes, "It's ok, Charity. I'll have an entire week without having to worry about this! I can do it! Just a few hours more..."

I did laundry today. I have cleaned my apartment for the most part. I rearranged my office area into a space MUCH more conducive to writing, which I'm hoping will encourage me more. I'm glad I was able to, because I was thinking I might "need" a new desk -- this arrangement is way more than satisfactory, though.

I still have bunches of work to do before I'm able to leave, though, so this can't be a terribly long post. I'm excited to say that I've bought a couple of books on writing, though, and I'm looking forward to trying this out. My first step is to get internets at my house full-time though. Yes, that will definitely be nice. And I think it's a justifiable expense, especially now that I don't get TV.

I know money isn't everything, but I sure wish I had enough money so that I didn't get stressed out about $50 a month. :-(

HAWAII!!!!

(See how much it helps?!?)