(into the mind of an amateur schizo)
i saw a squirrel today. he was perched on an ash tray eating a french fry. i wondered, what is the junk food doing to the wild, rodent-like creatures?
on my way to school today i was stopped at a stoplight and i leaned down to look at a bump on my leg. i thought to myself, "what if i don't see that i'm actually rolling into the intersection? what if i then get hit by oncoming traffic and die? will witnesses say, i saw her in the car, then she leaned over to do something, who knows what? i couldn't figure it out. then no one would ever know, coz i'd be dead."
caribou coffee in emory village is closed. as of this week. i've been going to starbucks for a while now anyway. i'd feel bad, coz starbucks put another coffee shop out of business, but last i checked, caribou was the second largest chain anyway, so in that way, starbucks is just the greater of two evils, i suppose. and my latte is really good, as usual. oh, that reminds me, i saw an article in the BASTION of good newspaper reporting, USA TODAY, where george ritzer used the term "Starbucksization". other sociologists will probably get a kick out of that. it makes me roll my eyes every time i think of it. i tried to explain the joke to my parents who just gave me blank looks.
i bought a book of easy sudoku this weekend. i like it. it's easy.
i'm getting ready to code satellite radio press releases, which makes me feel like i'm going to die.
i was in the grocery store today and the cashiers were speaking to each other in a different language and i had an embarassingly non-liberal thought. i'll say no more.
i can't listen to my ipod coz i'm at school charging the batteries, but here's what i was listening to earlier.
"delicate" mix by charity
1. delicate (damien rice)
2. holland (sufjan stevens)
3. the lakes of canada (the innocence mission)
4. i don't know what i can save you from (kings of convenience)
5. naked as we came (iron and wine)
6. for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti (sufjan stevens)
7. not alone (patty griffin)
8. peer pressure (jon brion)
9. trouble (coldplay)
10. my life in art (mojave 3)
11. song has been deleted by charity due to embarrassment
12. the dress looks nice on you (sufjan stevens)
13. older chests (damien rice)
14. accidents (ida)
15. metal heart (cat power)
16. song for a blue guitar (red house painters)
17. the weight of my words (kings of convenience)
18. donna (clem snide)
19. mad world (gary jules and michael andrews)
peace out, homies. and another shout out to my friend brook who just started her new job. sounds great, girl!
charity :)
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
i need a massage!
yesterday when i got home from lenoir i realized i left my guitar in the hotel room and i broke down--about my mom's emphysema, about my stepdad who fell down the stairs and was all bruised and scraped up, about my little brother who is smoking cigarettes and who knows what else, about my dissertation and all the associated deadlines, about the part-time data coding job i have that is making me crazy, about my impending move, about my finances, about my back which has been hurting and stiff, about having to quit my job at the salon, about all the laundry i have to do, about all the stuff from my childhood that is in boxes in my car, about the classes i am teaching in the fall and spring, about losing my guitar, etc. i literally had to go get a paper bag and breathe into it. i'm feeling better now, but only in the sense that i'm no longer hyperventilating, really. i am desperatey craving stability and calm. the fact that i'm close to finishing grad school is very much a relief. i just wish i could go ahead and finish before my panic attacks start to become a daily event....
last night after the storm had somewhat subsided, i sent out an email asking people to help me move, and i HATE asking people for help (it's like my least favorite thing in the world). then my friends are all "i'll help!" "i'll help!" and it has really warmed my heart. thank god for friends and family. the best things in my life.
xoxo
charity :)
last night after the storm had somewhat subsided, i sent out an email asking people to help me move, and i HATE asking people for help (it's like my least favorite thing in the world). then my friends are all "i'll help!" "i'll help!" and it has really warmed my heart. thank god for friends and family. the best things in my life.
xoxo
charity :)
Saturday, May 27, 2006
unfinished
Entitled: Since Saturday I have been wearing a small tin pendant on which is stuck a circular picture, grown pink with age, of me as a toddler with my infant brother.
This weekend I stayed in a hotel room with my parents. Actually, "hotel" may be an exaggeration. On the street, its presence was indicated by a sign with a sheet of black plastic draped over it and a piece of gold canvas reading "Lenoir Inn" tied between the sign posts. Grass grew up through cracks in the driveway. As I followed my parents' two cars behind the office towards the brick buildings, reminiscent of a Days Inn, I felt a sense of impending dread. I've stayed in gross Days Inns before. This one couldn't even hang onto the Days Inn name. People wandered around the grounds, blank-eyed stares making me fear the dark corners. After eating at a Mexican restaurant called "Pancho Villa" in a strip mall containing a Blockbusters and a gas station, we headed back to the hotel.
We began taking showers to wash off the mold and dust covering each of us. My parents went first, giving me plenty of time to notice all the little things that probably added up to the Days Inn franchise being lost. I was in the small town of Lenoir, North Carolina, helping my parents clear out a house my mom has owned for almost twenty years. No one's lived in it for almost 15 years. It's really a glorified storage unit, actually. Stuff that we never moved to Shelby, stuff we moved, but then moved back when my mom lost her job there and we had to clear out the house we had started moving into already. Stuff from my grandmother's house in Asheville that she had to sell when she fell and broke her fragile hip, leaving her unable to take care of herself unassisted.
Some of the memories of the past 15 years are painful. My family has undergone some serious changes. When I arrived at the house earlier that day, Mom and Richard had already begun. I looked around at the overgrown yard, the brick sidewalk covered in a thin layer of moss.
As I walked up, looking around and seeing memories that were no longer there, my mom handed something to me with a big smile and a twinkle in her eyes. It was a little book of photos, and when I opened it I saw pictures of her in the hospital, with newborn me. My dad was there with a name badge on it that said "Coach Crabtree." My grandmothers were there, and my grandfather. They were all holding a little tiny baby; they were holding me. They were looking into my squished little face with such love and excitement! They had no idea what to expect, and it didn't matter, they loved me anyway.
I thought about those pictures the rest of the night. I looked through all the stuff in what used to be my room and remembered things I hadn't thought about for years. My fledgling clown collection, more dolls that I would have imagined (yet I fondly remembered every single one), books, some of which had been given to my mom from her mother in the 50s, makeup in unbelievable colors, pairs of fluorescent shorts so bright I couldn't actually see the color, just felt the burning in my corneas, bodysuits, purple jeans, leggings, training bras, tiny skirts and huge t-shirts, patriotic and Christian t-shirts shouting such slogans as "We Support Our Troops, Operation Desert Shield [pre- Storm]," "Reeborn," "People Need the Lord," and what appears to be the entire 1991-1993 Limited Collection of knit tops, marveling and the largeness of all the t-shirts and the comparative tinyness of all the skirts and jeans. I picked up everything in turn, running the fabric of the clothes through my fingers, smelling the fading perfumes of my youth, smoothing the hair of the dolls down into a presentable condition. I found notes from my high school and middle school days, pledging love and loyalty to people I now can't remember at all. I tried on a dress my mom had given me years ago and remembered her saying as she handed it over, "This is from when [such and such] used to take me dancing. He taught at [such and such a] dance studio and we went dancing every weekend." I twirled around and imagined my mom all those years ago, gliding across the dance floor, thinking about me and my brother, at home with the babysitter.
When we got back to the hotel, we changed into our pajamas and relaxed with some beer and television. I had to call the front desk a few times for missing items, and noticed a very strange and alarming smell in the receiver. We watched Destry Rides Again, with a very young James Stewart. My stepdad went to sleep, my mom picked up her Su Doku and I watched the movie, explaining to mom what she had missed every time something loud happened and she looked up from her puzzles.
Saturday it was more of the same, after a diner breakfast filled with smoke during which my mom reminded me of her emphysema. I felt embarrassed to have forgotten, and then I remembered that I did so because it's absurd. She has never smoked. When she told me I remembered the caricature of Joe Camel with emphysema. I helplessly inhaled the second hand smoke surrounding us and listened to her tell of her drug regime. I began imagining somehow protecting the air around her face, preventing the irritants from entering her innocent lungs. I remember how she had a cough so long I begged her to go the doctor every time I saw her. Finally she did and the confusing emphysema diagnosis was relayed over the phone to me months ago.
Saturday I went into the basement and saw the upright piano into which Eric had carved an intricate cash machine so many years ago. My mother had been so upset, but unable to be mad at my severely autistic stepbrother, she tried to explain to him why it was not ok. He stood there, hitting his balled up fists against one another in front of his face, making irritated noises until mom let him go. I saw the sheet music I had kept from All-State chorus and remembered how proud I had been to sing. One summer when I was feeling particularly ambitious, I had recorded all the complicated four-part arrangements into my parents' four-track tape recorder, singing each part in turn. I would listen to it over and over again, adjusting the levels until they were right, re-recording parts that weren't up to par. I didn't let anyone else listen to it, and I remember chasing my brothers out of the basement with a wail when they would try to sneak in.
I found a stack of papers with schoolwork belonging to all three of mom's biological children. We were looking for Baxter's baby book, which he's desperate to find. He's getting his life in order, preparing to marry his sweetheart, and maybe thinking about kids of his own. And there are writing assignments where he tells short broken misspelled stories about how he loves to ride his skateboard and can't wait until Christmas when he just knows he's getting Metroplex. There are cards to Mom from me, and one to me from Mom. I had started drawing something and my mom finished it, giving it back. When she would do this I would sometimes write "To ___________" and "From ____________" and she would lovingly fill in "Charity" and "Mommy." I found a card drawn by Isaac that says "For you ten hrt baluns. I love you a lot Cherty." Ten little heart-shaped balloons attach themselves attentively to the sign bearing his message to me.
I remember riding up to Lenoir with my stepdad, who still worked in Greensboro where we lived with my dad, and listening to Jackson Browne, Don McLean, or Fleetwood Mac, watching the lights pass by on rare occasions when the highway passed a city. When I was old enough to drive, he would make me drive the little stickshift that eventually made it into mine, then my two brothers' possession in turn. Richard would reach over and shake my arm and tell me I had to relax, or give me lectures on car maintenance and safety.
When Isaac was still little, he would wait all week with Mom in Lenoir for us to come with his daddy, and he would run through the house, yelling "Richard!" and "Kids!" since that was what Mom called us. This was after Richard and my dad got back from Saudi Arabia (we all appreciated our dads a little more after that, I think).
Isey had a special place in his little kid heart for me. He used to make things for me all the time. I think it's because when he was first born I took care of him every chance I could. We'd play games and I would take him for walks. He was like one of my dolls, only better: like my own little Pinnochio.
He also loved his big brother. Once Baxter and I were reading in Isaac's room and Isaac tore down the hall and stood there in the doorway in a pair of little boys underwear with a red towel tied around his neck, wearing some yellow toy sunglasses, socks, and wristbands made of terry cloth. "Hey Batster," he called out. "Wanna wrestle?!?" I rolled my eyes and Baxter tore off after him, with Isaac slipping and sliding over the hard wood floors in fits of hysteria. He was such a happy child (he only later realized how weird our family was and began overcompensating with brand-name indicators of normalcy).
I remembered that he had missed us so much during the long weeks alone with mom, and that he could not understood why we used to be there all the time and then all of a sudden we were not. This past weekend, as we drove through the windy roads of the outskirts of our neighborhood, Mom told me about walking and driving the streets in the evenings, having nothing else to do, knowing no one and being all alone with a toddler. I realized I never really wondered about what Mom did in Lenoir all week, and I felt bad.
Saturday night we watched a documentary about the DeFeo murders in Amityville and Batman Begins. That night mom could not sleep, and the next morning she told me about insights she had had. I listened to her talk of God and Heaven and the good and bad coming around. She thinks she has deserved the bad things that have happened to her in a way. That somehow, she has atoned for her sins through them. [I thought later about what I was atoning for and then realized that nothing bad is happening to me.] I asked her about friends who have sinned, but who seem to be doing well; "it can take a long time," she replied. I kept pushing her, finally arguing that four-year-old girls who get violently raped and murdered haven't done anything wrong, and she explained that angels can remove people from the pain they are feeling in this life and take them on to the next one; "that's the one that matters, anyway, Charity."
Even as she defended herself I wondered why I always do that. Why I always push her when she tells me something, always trying to bring out the impossibilities.
Earlier, at "Pancho Villa," in conversation about some old friends, I half-jokingly asked "I mean, am I scary or something?" After looking down a second and out the sides of their eyes, they both replied, "When you're angry."
"You're just..." my mom began. "There's no compromise," my stepdad followed. "Yes, no compromise," my mom finished, "and you get stiff and just look...scary."
Finding out I scare my family was a little disheartening. As Katie Holmes' character said (sideways) in Batman Returns, "It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." That's something for me to remember, especially when interacting with people I know and love.
It's hard to look at that little baby in those pictures of me less than an hour old and think about all the things that have happened to her to make her who she is today. I really had a fresh slate, a so-called "tabula rasa." It has since been filled in, with happy things and sad, comforting and scary. All the things there now have made me who I am today, and while I can't do anything about what's there already, I can try to be more aware of what goes on there today, and in the future. Most importantly, hopefully through my awareness I can prevent what's there from manifesting in ways that are painful to those I care about.
There's so much stuff up in Lenoir I'm going to have to go back this weekend, too, which makes me very anxious since I have so much to do here. But I guess, family first. And maybe I'll learn a little more about myself in the process, too.
This weekend I stayed in a hotel room with my parents. Actually, "hotel" may be an exaggeration. On the street, its presence was indicated by a sign with a sheet of black plastic draped over it and a piece of gold canvas reading "Lenoir Inn" tied between the sign posts. Grass grew up through cracks in the driveway. As I followed my parents' two cars behind the office towards the brick buildings, reminiscent of a Days Inn, I felt a sense of impending dread. I've stayed in gross Days Inns before. This one couldn't even hang onto the Days Inn name. People wandered around the grounds, blank-eyed stares making me fear the dark corners. After eating at a Mexican restaurant called "Pancho Villa" in a strip mall containing a Blockbusters and a gas station, we headed back to the hotel.
We began taking showers to wash off the mold and dust covering each of us. My parents went first, giving me plenty of time to notice all the little things that probably added up to the Days Inn franchise being lost. I was in the small town of Lenoir, North Carolina, helping my parents clear out a house my mom has owned for almost twenty years. No one's lived in it for almost 15 years. It's really a glorified storage unit, actually. Stuff that we never moved to Shelby, stuff we moved, but then moved back when my mom lost her job there and we had to clear out the house we had started moving into already. Stuff from my grandmother's house in Asheville that she had to sell when she fell and broke her fragile hip, leaving her unable to take care of herself unassisted.
Some of the memories of the past 15 years are painful. My family has undergone some serious changes. When I arrived at the house earlier that day, Mom and Richard had already begun. I looked around at the overgrown yard, the brick sidewalk covered in a thin layer of moss.
As I walked up, looking around and seeing memories that were no longer there, my mom handed something to me with a big smile and a twinkle in her eyes. It was a little book of photos, and when I opened it I saw pictures of her in the hospital, with newborn me. My dad was there with a name badge on it that said "Coach Crabtree." My grandmothers were there, and my grandfather. They were all holding a little tiny baby; they were holding me. They were looking into my squished little face with such love and excitement! They had no idea what to expect, and it didn't matter, they loved me anyway.
I thought about those pictures the rest of the night. I looked through all the stuff in what used to be my room and remembered things I hadn't thought about for years. My fledgling clown collection, more dolls that I would have imagined (yet I fondly remembered every single one), books, some of which had been given to my mom from her mother in the 50s, makeup in unbelievable colors, pairs of fluorescent shorts so bright I couldn't actually see the color, just felt the burning in my corneas, bodysuits, purple jeans, leggings, training bras, tiny skirts and huge t-shirts, patriotic and Christian t-shirts shouting such slogans as "We Support Our Troops, Operation Desert Shield [pre- Storm]," "Reeborn," "People Need the Lord," and what appears to be the entire 1991-1993 Limited Collection of knit tops, marveling and the largeness of all the t-shirts and the comparative tinyness of all the skirts and jeans. I picked up everything in turn, running the fabric of the clothes through my fingers, smelling the fading perfumes of my youth, smoothing the hair of the dolls down into a presentable condition. I found notes from my high school and middle school days, pledging love and loyalty to people I now can't remember at all. I tried on a dress my mom had given me years ago and remembered her saying as she handed it over, "This is from when [such and such] used to take me dancing. He taught at [such and such a] dance studio and we went dancing every weekend." I twirled around and imagined my mom all those years ago, gliding across the dance floor, thinking about me and my brother, at home with the babysitter.
When we got back to the hotel, we changed into our pajamas and relaxed with some beer and television. I had to call the front desk a few times for missing items, and noticed a very strange and alarming smell in the receiver. We watched Destry Rides Again, with a very young James Stewart. My stepdad went to sleep, my mom picked up her Su Doku and I watched the movie, explaining to mom what she had missed every time something loud happened and she looked up from her puzzles.
Saturday it was more of the same, after a diner breakfast filled with smoke during which my mom reminded me of her emphysema. I felt embarrassed to have forgotten, and then I remembered that I did so because it's absurd. She has never smoked. When she told me I remembered the caricature of Joe Camel with emphysema. I helplessly inhaled the second hand smoke surrounding us and listened to her tell of her drug regime. I began imagining somehow protecting the air around her face, preventing the irritants from entering her innocent lungs. I remember how she had a cough so long I begged her to go the doctor every time I saw her. Finally she did and the confusing emphysema diagnosis was relayed over the phone to me months ago.
Saturday I went into the basement and saw the upright piano into which Eric had carved an intricate cash machine so many years ago. My mother had been so upset, but unable to be mad at my severely autistic stepbrother, she tried to explain to him why it was not ok. He stood there, hitting his balled up fists against one another in front of his face, making irritated noises until mom let him go. I saw the sheet music I had kept from All-State chorus and remembered how proud I had been to sing. One summer when I was feeling particularly ambitious, I had recorded all the complicated four-part arrangements into my parents' four-track tape recorder, singing each part in turn. I would listen to it over and over again, adjusting the levels until they were right, re-recording parts that weren't up to par. I didn't let anyone else listen to it, and I remember chasing my brothers out of the basement with a wail when they would try to sneak in.
I found a stack of papers with schoolwork belonging to all three of mom's biological children. We were looking for Baxter's baby book, which he's desperate to find. He's getting his life in order, preparing to marry his sweetheart, and maybe thinking about kids of his own. And there are writing assignments where he tells short broken misspelled stories about how he loves to ride his skateboard and can't wait until Christmas when he just knows he's getting Metroplex. There are cards to Mom from me, and one to me from Mom. I had started drawing something and my mom finished it, giving it back. When she would do this I would sometimes write "To ___________" and "From ____________" and she would lovingly fill in "Charity" and "Mommy." I found a card drawn by Isaac that says "For you ten hrt baluns. I love you a lot Cherty." Ten little heart-shaped balloons attach themselves attentively to the sign bearing his message to me.
I remember riding up to Lenoir with my stepdad, who still worked in Greensboro where we lived with my dad, and listening to Jackson Browne, Don McLean, or Fleetwood Mac, watching the lights pass by on rare occasions when the highway passed a city. When I was old enough to drive, he would make me drive the little stickshift that eventually made it into mine, then my two brothers' possession in turn. Richard would reach over and shake my arm and tell me I had to relax, or give me lectures on car maintenance and safety.
When Isaac was still little, he would wait all week with Mom in Lenoir for us to come with his daddy, and he would run through the house, yelling "Richard!" and "Kids!" since that was what Mom called us. This was after Richard and my dad got back from Saudi Arabia (we all appreciated our dads a little more after that, I think).
Isey had a special place in his little kid heart for me. He used to make things for me all the time. I think it's because when he was first born I took care of him every chance I could. We'd play games and I would take him for walks. He was like one of my dolls, only better: like my own little Pinnochio.
He also loved his big brother. Once Baxter and I were reading in Isaac's room and Isaac tore down the hall and stood there in the doorway in a pair of little boys underwear with a red towel tied around his neck, wearing some yellow toy sunglasses, socks, and wristbands made of terry cloth. "Hey Batster," he called out. "Wanna wrestle?!?" I rolled my eyes and Baxter tore off after him, with Isaac slipping and sliding over the hard wood floors in fits of hysteria. He was such a happy child (he only later realized how weird our family was and began overcompensating with brand-name indicators of normalcy).
I remembered that he had missed us so much during the long weeks alone with mom, and that he could not understood why we used to be there all the time and then all of a sudden we were not. This past weekend, as we drove through the windy roads of the outskirts of our neighborhood, Mom told me about walking and driving the streets in the evenings, having nothing else to do, knowing no one and being all alone with a toddler. I realized I never really wondered about what Mom did in Lenoir all week, and I felt bad.
Saturday night we watched a documentary about the DeFeo murders in Amityville and Batman Begins. That night mom could not sleep, and the next morning she told me about insights she had had. I listened to her talk of God and Heaven and the good and bad coming around. She thinks she has deserved the bad things that have happened to her in a way. That somehow, she has atoned for her sins through them. [I thought later about what I was atoning for and then realized that nothing bad is happening to me.] I asked her about friends who have sinned, but who seem to be doing well; "it can take a long time," she replied. I kept pushing her, finally arguing that four-year-old girls who get violently raped and murdered haven't done anything wrong, and she explained that angels can remove people from the pain they are feeling in this life and take them on to the next one; "that's the one that matters, anyway, Charity."
Even as she defended herself I wondered why I always do that. Why I always push her when she tells me something, always trying to bring out the impossibilities.
Earlier, at "Pancho Villa," in conversation about some old friends, I half-jokingly asked "I mean, am I scary or something?" After looking down a second and out the sides of their eyes, they both replied, "When you're angry."
"You're just..." my mom began. "There's no compromise," my stepdad followed. "Yes, no compromise," my mom finished, "and you get stiff and just look...scary."
Finding out I scare my family was a little disheartening. As Katie Holmes' character said (sideways) in Batman Returns, "It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you." That's something for me to remember, especially when interacting with people I know and love.
It's hard to look at that little baby in those pictures of me less than an hour old and think about all the things that have happened to her to make her who she is today. I really had a fresh slate, a so-called "tabula rasa." It has since been filled in, with happy things and sad, comforting and scary. All the things there now have made me who I am today, and while I can't do anything about what's there already, I can try to be more aware of what goes on there today, and in the future. Most importantly, hopefully through my awareness I can prevent what's there from manifesting in ways that are painful to those I care about.
There's so much stuff up in Lenoir I'm going to have to go back this weekend, too, which makes me very anxious since I have so much to do here. But I guess, family first. And maybe I'll learn a little more about myself in the process, too.
Friday, May 26, 2006
interesting developments
hello everyone. a few developments:
1) i am going to lenoir again this weekend. i wrote something about the last time i went but haven't decided whether or not to post it. it's pretty personal. anyway, i guess the reason i'm saying this is coz, i expect more of the same, and i expect to be equally confused about what to share when i get back this time, too.
2) i found a new apartment, and i move the end of june. time to start packing, i guess. can't procrastinate much longer (although i plan to make use of what procrastination is left)
3) i saw happy endings, FINALLY. i liked it. it's definitely worth checking out if you haven't seen it (i also saw the last episode of friends, which was very lamely acted and incredibly cheesy, in both plot AND dialogue, but which nonetheless moved me deeply enough to say no more).
4-6) i'm going to BANFF (that's in canada) with my friend NIKKI i hope i hope i hope. i'm very excited because it's the weekend after i defend my proposal (a date two months earlier than i had planned, by the way) and right before school starts. i also found out that i am teaching this semester and next semester, which is very exciting. one of the classes is culture and society which i have already taught twice (it only gets better and better!!) and the other one is intro which is really fun to teach.
7) i chose jesus today. i'm not sure what it means. i saw a bumper sticker that said simply (and effectively, i might add!): "choose jesus right now." so i did. i'm simple-minded, direct orders work for me. my question is, "now what?" i stuck around the guy's car for a while but others in the highlands started looking a wee bit alarmed and pulling blackberries out of the pockets of their khakis, so i let it go.
8) i went to the pool today to celebrate a friend's birthday (mmm, cake...). he and his wife have a two-year-old and every time he sees me his whole face lights up and he literally exclaims, "hey, tee-tee!" my heart melts just a little every time he does. he was eating some pizza and he got on this kick where he was just saying "bread" (kind-of) and pointing to the crust side and then "cheese" (kind-of) and pointing to the cheese. he would intermittently murmer "mmm, pizza!!" as he ate. that was really precious. there was also some crying and whining i could have done without. ;)
charity :)
1) i am going to lenoir again this weekend. i wrote something about the last time i went but haven't decided whether or not to post it. it's pretty personal. anyway, i guess the reason i'm saying this is coz, i expect more of the same, and i expect to be equally confused about what to share when i get back this time, too.
2) i found a new apartment, and i move the end of june. time to start packing, i guess. can't procrastinate much longer (although i plan to make use of what procrastination is left)
3) i saw happy endings, FINALLY. i liked it. it's definitely worth checking out if you haven't seen it (i also saw the last episode of friends, which was very lamely acted and incredibly cheesy, in both plot AND dialogue, but which nonetheless moved me deeply enough to say no more).
4-6) i'm going to BANFF (that's in canada) with my friend NIKKI i hope i hope i hope. i'm very excited because it's the weekend after i defend my proposal (a date two months earlier than i had planned, by the way) and right before school starts. i also found out that i am teaching this semester and next semester, which is very exciting. one of the classes is culture and society which i have already taught twice (it only gets better and better!!) and the other one is intro which is really fun to teach.
7) i chose jesus today. i'm not sure what it means. i saw a bumper sticker that said simply (and effectively, i might add!): "choose jesus right now." so i did. i'm simple-minded, direct orders work for me. my question is, "now what?" i stuck around the guy's car for a while but others in the highlands started looking a wee bit alarmed and pulling blackberries out of the pockets of their khakis, so i let it go.
8) i went to the pool today to celebrate a friend's birthday (mmm, cake...). he and his wife have a two-year-old and every time he sees me his whole face lights up and he literally exclaims, "hey, tee-tee!" my heart melts just a little every time he does. he was eating some pizza and he got on this kick where he was just saying "bread" (kind-of) and pointing to the crust side and then "cheese" (kind-of) and pointing to the cheese. he would intermittently murmer "mmm, pizza!!" as he ate. that was really precious. there was also some crying and whining i could have done without. ;)
charity :)
Thursday, May 25, 2006
guess where i'm going?!?
i'll give you a hint:
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
charity :)
p.s. eekeekeek! how exciting! :D
"i have measured out my life with coffee spoons..."
last night i found a poem i wrote many years ago. i wrote it in college after reading "the love song of j. alfred prufrock" by t. s. eliot. unfortunately i can't share that with you (not that you'd want to read it, trust me...) but i will repost my inspiration. [i got it from http://www.answers.com/topic/the-love-song-of-j-alfred-prufrock but it's posted several times--you have only to look.]
mp3 of T. S. Eliot reading "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
by: T. S. Elliot
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, What is it?
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, Do I dare? and, Do I dare?
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
[They will say: How his hair is growing thin!]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin--
[They will say: But how his arms and legs are thin!]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:--
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all--
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all--
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
....................
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?...
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
....................
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet-- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all --
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.
....................
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old ... I grow old ...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
(some writings on this poem, if you're interested)
mp3 of T. S. Eliot reading "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
"The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
by: T. S. Elliot
S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero,
Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.
LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, What is it?
Let us go and make our visit.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, Do I dare? and, Do I dare?
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
[They will say: How his hair is growing thin!]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin--
[They will say: But how his arms and legs are thin!]
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:--
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
And I have known the eyes already, known them all--
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?
And how should I presume?
And I have known the arms already, known them all--
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
....................
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?...
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
....................
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet-- and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,
And in short, I was afraid.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all --
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor--
And this, and so much more?--
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.
....................
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous--
Almost, at times, the Fool.
I grow old ... I grow old ...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
(some writings on this poem, if you're interested)
Monday, May 15, 2006
what i did today by charity, part 4
what's up. (you don't have to answer, i didn't really mean it.)
i went to graduation today. i went back and forth about whether to go, but i'm really glad i did. as i mentioned, several of ours finished this year. so it was really nice to see them get their hoods. i thought i might cry but i managed to hold it together. the good news is that our hoods apparently are SCHOOL colors, not salmon colors, so they are baby blue and gold and royal blue. i can definitely get down with that. i wish i had a digital camera, then i would post a picture, but i guess you guys can just see it in a few years when i finally get one of my very own!!
the more uncomfortable news is that during the brunch afterwards when i was trying not to freeze from the cool breeze (southern girl, born and bred, through and through), i had the distinct displeasure of standing about 5 feet from my ex. BLEGH. the ammeliorating news is that since we ended so many times and finally on a pretty sour note, i didn't have to intereact with him or the gaggle of friends he was standing with, including his best friend/girlfriend who graduated. at least i can rest easy with the knowledge that they will soon both be in maryland together.
[what?!? i'm not bitter...]
so afterwards i went directly home and called my advisor. we talked for about 45 minutes about my dissertation, and i feel really good about it. i actually feel like i'll be able to finish before i go crazy! we'll see. keep me in your thoughts.
now, i'm off to a celebratory party. i really need to get there before the graduate of honor drinks too many taquila shots. she gets friendly...
peace out,
charity :)
ps-did you see the screen on the green schedule?? the wiz...
i went to graduation today. i went back and forth about whether to go, but i'm really glad i did. as i mentioned, several of ours finished this year. so it was really nice to see them get their hoods. i thought i might cry but i managed to hold it together. the good news is that our hoods apparently are SCHOOL colors, not salmon colors, so they are baby blue and gold and royal blue. i can definitely get down with that. i wish i had a digital camera, then i would post a picture, but i guess you guys can just see it in a few years when i finally get one of my very own!!
the more uncomfortable news is that during the brunch afterwards when i was trying not to freeze from the cool breeze (southern girl, born and bred, through and through), i had the distinct displeasure of standing about 5 feet from my ex. BLEGH. the ammeliorating news is that since we ended so many times and finally on a pretty sour note, i didn't have to intereact with him or the gaggle of friends he was standing with, including his best friend/girlfriend who graduated. at least i can rest easy with the knowledge that they will soon both be in maryland together.
[what?!? i'm not bitter...]
so afterwards i went directly home and called my advisor. we talked for about 45 minutes about my dissertation, and i feel really good about it. i actually feel like i'll be able to finish before i go crazy! we'll see. keep me in your thoughts.
now, i'm off to a celebratory party. i really need to get there before the graduate of honor drinks too many taquila shots. she gets friendly...
peace out,
charity :)
ps-did you see the screen on the green schedule?? the wiz...
Sunday, May 14, 2006
what i did today by charity, part 3
today was a gorgeous day, first of all.
i feel like i've written in my blog already, since i've filled out all those surveys, but i guess i haven't. oh, my, god. this is what happens when you drink and then purchase your itunes shopping cart. i just realized i have just paid one dollar for the song "who's johnny?" by debarge. geez. i used to love short circuit, though. johnny number 5 was the perfect boyfriend (give me a break, i was 9)!
"'who's johnny?' she said, and smiled in her special way..."
other than remembering my metallic, brilliant but emotionally challenged ex-boyfriend, i coded some today. i also went to the gym: 45 minutes including 10 minutes on my favorite, the rowing machine. i'm already a little sore. i could see how people get addicted to this feeling, coz i'm usually so tired, it's nice when my body is tired, too. i used to work with this guy in asheville, at the pizza place. he was pretty much a hippie, but it was really endearing. and he wasn't a bad hippie, coz i knew some of them, too. he was a raft guide during the day and i remember he would say the same thing, that feeling like your whole body is tired is a lot more satisfying than trying to go to bed restless. i know what he means. nice guy, incidentally, i hope he's well. that reminds me, maybe i'll take a bath.
"nice marmot."
hmm, so not much else, i guess. not sure if i'm going to graduation tomorrow after all. i'll see. still haven't decided on whether or not to take in john's cat, either...
"i'm not john's cat, but i look a lot like him." (i do want another orange tabby...)
i'm listening to a cd i made for my mom for mother's day. here's the playlist. fyi ;)
1. I Am Weary (Let Me Rest)/The Cox Family
2. Standing on the Promises/The Johnson Family Singers
3. You Are My Flower/The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
4. My Daddy Used to Call My Mama Darlin'/Talula Cartwright (that's her)
5. Family/Dar Williams
6. Give Your Moma One Smile/Madeleine Peyroux
7. Playboy Mommy/Tori Amos
8. Wild Packs of Family Dogs/Modest Mouse
9. (Man, Oh Man) I Want to Go Back/The Impressions
10. For The Widows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti/Sufjan Stevens
11. Send A Picture Of Mother/Johnny Cash
12. You Are My Sunshine/Norman Blake
13. Mother/Tori Amos
14. Porchlight/Neko Case & Her Boyfriends
15. We'll Meet Again/Johnny Cash
16. Abraham/Sufjan Stevens
17. In This Heart/Sinead O'Connor
18. Nobody's Crying/Patty Griffin
love, charity :)
Saturday, May 13, 2006
what i did today by charity, part 2
hey, another pretty day, except it rained, and i was inside working all day anyway,
today was our department party, so after my guitar lesson i headed over. my guitar teacher, incidentally, says i'm making steady progress, although i'm sure he wants to add, "but imagine what you could accomplish if you practiced more than twice a week..."
anyway, several important developments evident at the party this year:
first, as usual i won tipsrunda. for those of you not swedish and yet still reading this, apparently tipsrunda is a swedish game (it's supposed to have one of the swedish letters in the word, maybe instead of the u) where there are questions posted all around the party. festive party-goers wander around, filling out what looks like a golf score card (well, i don't know from golf, but it certainly resembles a putt-putt scorecard). anyway, normally there might be a theme, but they are pretty much just random questions. anyway, this year they were all about my advisor, the chair of the department for the last five years who is stepping down taking a year off (sabbatical) and moving to copenhagen with his wife, who got a job there. the thing is, for my prize, i got to choose driving his car around for a year or taking care of his cat. i'm not saying i'm not thankful, but what kind of prize is that?? i mean, especially since i'm leaning towards the cat...
second, so john is leaving for a year and he liked his presents. i got him a big alien guy-thing from junkman's daughter (it's actually a japanese superhero, but he sure looks like an alien--or demon) and a toy phone so we can always call him when we need him.
this is not him, but it's funny.
i enjoy meeting up with (select) faculty at these things coz it's really casual and you can really just chill and talk, which is especially easy when you have three beers (this year) or almost a whole bottle of wine (most of the previous years).
third, (for example) i found out tracy's dad was an astronaut. tracy is on my dissertation committee. her dad drove a car on the moon. in 1971, the guy in the car, that was tracy's dad. richard nixon showed her around the white house. so that's pretty crazy. i guess all those people who believe humans never went, you might want to talk to him. now he lives in LA, and he consulted on apollo 13. it's crazy the things about people that you might never learn.
this is him, david r. scott. commander of apollo 15.
fourth, five people are graduating, not counting michelle who wasn't at the party, but counting lauren who won't actually walk until next year. so that's encouraging, as i've mentioned in previous entries (like fred willard: "you know my wife, sheila, from prevuus billlllls...").
fifth, mosquitos can bite through denim and will to get to me.
dramatization.
so go us! i have department spirit! i even wore my emory shirt. :) i am just so excited that someday it will be me my advisors buy gag gifts for, and me that will be getting hooded in the fancy ceremony.
for me, the stripes on the robe will be bluuuuue, and the hood will as far as i can tell be peach.
which is fitting in a way, since it's georgia.
love, charity :)
p.s.-i'm glad i saw y tu mama tambien. and i'm glad i didn't see it in the theater...
p.p.s.have you called your mother yet?
Friday, May 12, 2006
what i did today by charity, part 1
hey yall,
today was a very pretty day.
i went to school and worked on my dissertation for a while. i worked a good four hours but still wasn't ready for my meeting with my advisor, so i rescheduled for monday, after graduation. my friend michelle is graduating. she's had a real job at a nice small school outside baltimore for this whole year. i look forward to seeing her walk the stage and get "hooded" by her advisor. i'll probably cry because i'm so proud of her.
on my way home i saw a trash can thrown into someone's shrubbery. i almost moved it. that's how crazy my dissertation is making me. when i talked to my advisor about moving the meeting i told him, "you know, every time i get stressed out about this dissertation, i've been going to the gym and it always makes me feel better. only, i'm getting in really good shape and not getting any work done." we laughed, but i really do need to buckle down.
when i went to the gym today i was so tired that i could only do 35 minutes, and didn't even try the rowing machines. my back is still sore from the other day, but it's a good sore, so that's ok. i'll have to take a break tomorrow since i work all day and then we have our yearly department party. that reminds me, i need to get a dessert. anyway, it will give my muscles time to rebuild.
the good thing about working out is you can eat whatever you want and not feel too guilty about it. only, i went to the store today and bought a frozen pizza and ice cream and even a bag of doritos. the bad thing about working out is that it doesn't make your milk allergies go away, so i guess i'll probably get sick later.
but until then, i'm going to enjoy my bass pub pour and watch a few movies i got from netflix that i haven't had a chance to see yet: monsoon wedding and y tu mama tambien. i've been wanting to see them both for a while, so i imagine until i pass out from cheese overdose, i'll enjoy it.
i'll hopefully be able to practice my guitar a little, too. i got the chords to a few songs i really like and it's been fun to actually be able to make them come out of the guitar, only they're really sad coz i listen to sad music, so sometimes i start crying halfway through the song. luckily i don't have an audience yet. hopefully that wouldn't happen then, though. (because someday i do plan on having an audience?...)
sometimes when i don't go out on friday nights i feel guilty but my schedule is so weird and i'm always so busy, i really like my nights in, even if they happen to fall on traditional "going out nights." maybe i'll take a bath and do a mani-pedi too! (you go girl!!)
it's weird; sometimes i write really emotional blog entries, but i think i feel more vulnerable when i just write about what i did today... i wonder what that's about?
charity :)
today was a very pretty day.
i went to school and worked on my dissertation for a while. i worked a good four hours but still wasn't ready for my meeting with my advisor, so i rescheduled for monday, after graduation. my friend michelle is graduating. she's had a real job at a nice small school outside baltimore for this whole year. i look forward to seeing her walk the stage and get "hooded" by her advisor. i'll probably cry because i'm so proud of her.
on my way home i saw a trash can thrown into someone's shrubbery. i almost moved it. that's how crazy my dissertation is making me. when i talked to my advisor about moving the meeting i told him, "you know, every time i get stressed out about this dissertation, i've been going to the gym and it always makes me feel better. only, i'm getting in really good shape and not getting any work done." we laughed, but i really do need to buckle down.
when i went to the gym today i was so tired that i could only do 35 minutes, and didn't even try the rowing machines. my back is still sore from the other day, but it's a good sore, so that's ok. i'll have to take a break tomorrow since i work all day and then we have our yearly department party. that reminds me, i need to get a dessert. anyway, it will give my muscles time to rebuild.
the good thing about working out is you can eat whatever you want and not feel too guilty about it. only, i went to the store today and bought a frozen pizza and ice cream and even a bag of doritos. the bad thing about working out is that it doesn't make your milk allergies go away, so i guess i'll probably get sick later.
but until then, i'm going to enjoy my bass pub pour and watch a few movies i got from netflix that i haven't had a chance to see yet: monsoon wedding and y tu mama tambien. i've been wanting to see them both for a while, so i imagine until i pass out from cheese overdose, i'll enjoy it.
i'll hopefully be able to practice my guitar a little, too. i got the chords to a few songs i really like and it's been fun to actually be able to make them come out of the guitar, only they're really sad coz i listen to sad music, so sometimes i start crying halfway through the song. luckily i don't have an audience yet. hopefully that wouldn't happen then, though. (because someday i do plan on having an audience?...)
sometimes when i don't go out on friday nights i feel guilty but my schedule is so weird and i'm always so busy, i really like my nights in, even if they happen to fall on traditional "going out nights." maybe i'll take a bath and do a mani-pedi too! (you go girl!!)
it's weird; sometimes i write really emotional blog entries, but i think i feel more vulnerable when i just write about what i did today... i wonder what that's about?
charity :)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
the joys of being lost
I hate riding in cars with people. I get frustrated when they don't use their turn signals, or when they go too fast, or when they take the long ways.
Except Nikki. She always knows the short cuts. And the long ways. Some of my fondest memories in college involve taking the long ways with Nikki. I remember going to pick people up from work, or going on random late night trips to her uncle's house an hour and a half away. I remember going to Tennessee just to cross the border and enjoy the openness of the mountain highways in the middle of the night. I remember we decided at 10 o'clock one night to go to Charleston, 4 hours away. Five of us piled into the car with Nikki and made our way to the beach, only to get kicked off by the police. I always loved taking road trips with Nikki behind the wheel, no matter where we were going. I always knew it would be fun, and trusted that we would be safe.
I even loved getting lost in the roads, having no idea where we were going. Nikki always seemed to know. When she was behind the wheel, no matter how lost I was or thought we were, she always got us back on the right track, and we always had fun getting there. I would just sit back and listen to the music, patient with the knowledge that somehow Nikki would make it all right again. I didn't worry about how loud the music was or how fast we were going, or even where we were going. I remember once we stopped for gas and Tupac was playing so loud in the car that everyone outside and inside the gas station turned to look at the car. I noticed and then I laughed. I sat in the passenger seat of her car, yelling out at her as she filled her tank, just happy to be there, and happy to be with Nikki. I remember sitting in the back seat on road trips, listening to music (OutKast, the Wu-Tang Clan, Sarah McLachlan, whatever), so relaxed and carefree, staring up into the sky through the rear window, looking for constellations.
In life, Nikki has never been tied to taking the short cuts either. She goes the long way, but she always gets where she needs to be, and her destination always makes the trips worthwhile, no matter how lost she gets on the way.
I, on the other hand, always get sidetracked by detours, and frustrated when my ways don't work.
I honestly think Nikki knew the shortcuts to every place in Asheville. I once asked her how she knew all of them. She laughed when I asked if she looked them up on the map.
"You just drive around, get lost, and find your way back. It's the best way to find all the different ways of getting somewhere," she said.
From Nikki I learned the joys of getting lost. Even today, when I feel I'm getting lost, or when I feel scared because I don't know where I'm going anymore, I call Nikki. Yesterday I called her and got her answering machine.
"Nikki, it's Charity," I said. "I was just, not feeling depressed, just kinda blegh. I wanted to call you coz when I talk to you I always feel less blegh."
She called me back today and we talked for a while. She doesn't always have the answers. But she always knows what to say anyway. No matter what, she always knows what to say. And she always makes me feel like, even if I don't know what to do, if I just wait it out, I'll find my way back to where I'm going. And I know that the getting lost along the way makes me appreciate my path better. Maps are for people who don't want to waste time. But the thing I have to remember is that the time it takes to find your way somewhere isn't actually time wasted. It's time spent with yourself, searching, finding a way that works for you; it is time for learning about yourself and enjoying the ride. The key is to realize that although you're lost, you are going to find your way back out again, and you'll appreciate the journey more if you navigate it yourself.
Nikki didn't like me at first. She thought I whined too much, and was generally too prissy, from what I remember. But that's ok, I do whine and I am prissy. Thankfully, she gave me a chance anyway. After you've known someone a while, you find out who they really are. And you appreciate the friendship for what it is, a time to search the other person out and find out where you are going together. And if it takes longer than you expected, it's ok, because it's not time wasted. The time helps you appreciate the other person and the journey you have taken together.
When I'm lost on the curvy mountain roads of my life, I know I can call Nikki and she won't tell me the shortcuts, but she will inspire me to have the patience to discover the path myself. And I love her for that.
When I want advice or comfort, the two people I always want to talk to are my mom and Nikki. I don't think of Nikki as my mom, though. She's more than that: she's my mother, my sister, and my friend. She's my best friend of all time and the only person outside the family I was born into that I can always trust to be there for me no matter what. And frankly, she's the only person outside my birth family that I know I would do anything for.
I love you, Nikki. You mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you. But if the unthinkable happens, I know you or I will manage to find our way out.
Except Nikki. She always knows the short cuts. And the long ways. Some of my fondest memories in college involve taking the long ways with Nikki. I remember going to pick people up from work, or going on random late night trips to her uncle's house an hour and a half away. I remember going to Tennessee just to cross the border and enjoy the openness of the mountain highways in the middle of the night. I remember we decided at 10 o'clock one night to go to Charleston, 4 hours away. Five of us piled into the car with Nikki and made our way to the beach, only to get kicked off by the police. I always loved taking road trips with Nikki behind the wheel, no matter where we were going. I always knew it would be fun, and trusted that we would be safe.
I even loved getting lost in the roads, having no idea where we were going. Nikki always seemed to know. When she was behind the wheel, no matter how lost I was or thought we were, she always got us back on the right track, and we always had fun getting there. I would just sit back and listen to the music, patient with the knowledge that somehow Nikki would make it all right again. I didn't worry about how loud the music was or how fast we were going, or even where we were going. I remember once we stopped for gas and Tupac was playing so loud in the car that everyone outside and inside the gas station turned to look at the car. I noticed and then I laughed. I sat in the passenger seat of her car, yelling out at her as she filled her tank, just happy to be there, and happy to be with Nikki. I remember sitting in the back seat on road trips, listening to music (OutKast, the Wu-Tang Clan, Sarah McLachlan, whatever), so relaxed and carefree, staring up into the sky through the rear window, looking for constellations.
In life, Nikki has never been tied to taking the short cuts either. She goes the long way, but she always gets where she needs to be, and her destination always makes the trips worthwhile, no matter how lost she gets on the way.
I, on the other hand, always get sidetracked by detours, and frustrated when my ways don't work.
I honestly think Nikki knew the shortcuts to every place in Asheville. I once asked her how she knew all of them. She laughed when I asked if she looked them up on the map.
"You just drive around, get lost, and find your way back. It's the best way to find all the different ways of getting somewhere," she said.
From Nikki I learned the joys of getting lost. Even today, when I feel I'm getting lost, or when I feel scared because I don't know where I'm going anymore, I call Nikki. Yesterday I called her and got her answering machine.
"Nikki, it's Charity," I said. "I was just, not feeling depressed, just kinda blegh. I wanted to call you coz when I talk to you I always feel less blegh."
She called me back today and we talked for a while. She doesn't always have the answers. But she always knows what to say anyway. No matter what, she always knows what to say. And she always makes me feel like, even if I don't know what to do, if I just wait it out, I'll find my way back to where I'm going. And I know that the getting lost along the way makes me appreciate my path better. Maps are for people who don't want to waste time. But the thing I have to remember is that the time it takes to find your way somewhere isn't actually time wasted. It's time spent with yourself, searching, finding a way that works for you; it is time for learning about yourself and enjoying the ride. The key is to realize that although you're lost, you are going to find your way back out again, and you'll appreciate the journey more if you navigate it yourself.
Nikki didn't like me at first. She thought I whined too much, and was generally too prissy, from what I remember. But that's ok, I do whine and I am prissy. Thankfully, she gave me a chance anyway. After you've known someone a while, you find out who they really are. And you appreciate the friendship for what it is, a time to search the other person out and find out where you are going together. And if it takes longer than you expected, it's ok, because it's not time wasted. The time helps you appreciate the other person and the journey you have taken together.
When I'm lost on the curvy mountain roads of my life, I know I can call Nikki and she won't tell me the shortcuts, but she will inspire me to have the patience to discover the path myself. And I love her for that.
When I want advice or comfort, the two people I always want to talk to are my mom and Nikki. I don't think of Nikki as my mom, though. She's more than that: she's my mother, my sister, and my friend. She's my best friend of all time and the only person outside the family I was born into that I can always trust to be there for me no matter what. And frankly, she's the only person outside my birth family that I know I would do anything for.
I love you, Nikki. You mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you. But if the unthinkable happens, I know you or I will manage to find our way out.
Monday, May 08, 2006
the ironically fine line between poor self-esteem and megalomania.
i get depressed when i can't control things in my life. it makes me feel bad about myself. i internalize, since i think i should be able to control them. when things go wrong i take it personally, which really reflects a pretty high opinion of myself, in quite a twisted way, doesn't it? like, "i should be able to control [x] but something went wrong. therefore i'm not a good person." when the truth is, if i didn't think it was within the realm of possibility for me to control every little thing, maybe i wouldn't get so torn up about it when things didn't go my way...
just an interesting realization i thought i'd share.
with total strangers.
because i can.
just an interesting realization i thought i'd share.
with total strangers.
because i can.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
these are a few of my favorite things
three of my favorite things
1. tattoos (and disguise):
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2. karaoke (of a sort):
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3. ninja love:
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in ink, song, and love,
charity :)
1. tattoos (and disguise):
2. karaoke (of a sort):
3. ninja love:
in ink, song, and love,
charity :)
Thursday, May 04, 2006
anotehr survey (at least it's not a quiz!)
1. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A MEMBER OF MYSPACE?
not long enough to justify the number of hours i've been on here
2. WOULD YOU EVER TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU HAVE SEX?
i can't imagine it would ever come up in conversation. my mom and i talk about it all the time, however.
3. DOES YOUR MOM SMOKE?
no. she cried when she found out i was smoking in college. literally, she cried. like when i got my first tattoo. she also burst into tears then. my poor mom. why do i torment her so with my rebelliousness?
4. WHO'S PROFILE DO YOU LIKE THE MOST ON MYSPACE?
your mom's
5. ARE YOU ASHAMED OF HOW MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH?
no, and frankly, i do not approve of the tone of this question. or its grammar.
6. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY CAR WHAT WOULD IT BE?
probably a mercedes SL roadster. a new one, and shiny. black probably. or silver. i was behind one the other day and i almost had a wreck coz i couldn't keep my eyes off of it. it was in front of me and we both turned left. then it took off in a cloud of daisies and butterflies, and a choir of angels sang praises in its wake. i snapped out of it.
8. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY?
in some ways. in others, not so much.
9. HOW OLD WILL YOU BE ON YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
29 i think. i keep forgetting. i started describing myself as "almost thirty" a few years back. it's simpler.
10. ARE YOU A LIKEABLE PERSON?
no, i don't think so. i'm very moody and apparently disagreeable most times. i alternate between manic and depressed others. oh, wait, am i supposed to be impression managing now? whatever, Liz and Alison know how crazy i am and they're probably the only ones that will read this.
11. WOULD YOU PREFER FRIENDS THAT ARE GIRLS OR GUYS?
no offense Liz and Alison, but i prefer guys. girls scare me.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO ON A TUESDAY NIGHT?
uh, tuesday? i usually retire early coz i work early wed mornings.
13. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?
yes, very much. but i'm also kind of fond of the fear.
14. WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE BEST: A DIAMOND RING OR A DIAMOND BRACELET?
a ring. i don't usually wear bracelets.
15. WHAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING THAT YOU'VE EVER EXPERIENCED?
when i got my arm eaten off by a giant octopus. at the same time, a crab bit my toe. the only reason i got away was coz the octopus turned on the crab, its favorite prey. apparently i'm nothing compared to that shizznit.
16. WHAT IS ONE THING THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
love
17. WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOUR GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
i never got a glass. were they handing out glasses??
18. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A GRAVE WHERE SOMEONE WAS BURIED?
no, i don't think so. i don't like to think of people as trapped there. it creeps me out big time. the body is just organic matter. the person is somewhere else. when i was little i was very afraid of the second coming of jesus coz "the dead in christ shall rise" and i was scared it would be like night of the living dead jesus.
19. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TO THE DOCTOR?
about a month ago i think
20. THE DAY YOU GET MARRIED WHO WILL BE YOUR BEST MAN/ MAID OF HONOR?
by the time i get married, i'm sure i won't know any more "maids" and hopefully the best man will be my husband. unless it's a lesbian wedding, in which case i think i would ask zane to be my best man.
21. DO YOU PREFER SHOES, SOCKS, OR BARE FEET?
it depends on what i'm doing
22. IF YOU COULD HAVE SEX WITH ONE PERSON ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST WHO WOULD IT BE?
your mom. oh wait, been there, done that!!
23. IF YOU COULD'VE GROWN UP DURING ANOTHER TIME WHEN WOULD IT HAVE BEEN?
i think i'm good. i mean, i would love to have grown up when my grandmothers did, but then you have to remember the depression, 2 world wars, the kkk, the holocaust, women as property and a racial caste system even more entrenched than today, so... maybe the 50s so i could have been around and protesting in the 60s. it would have been great to have felt like we were actually going to be able to change the world and make it a better place. and also all the free love and beatniks.
24. IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME WHAT WOULD IT BE?
guiseppe. stupid question. i would keep it the same.
25. WHO IN YOUR FAMILY DO YOU ACT THE MOST LIKE?
maybe my dad, which is extremely ironic.
26. WOULD YOU WEAR YOUR PJ'S ALL THE TIME IF YOU COULD?
no, i would wear workout clothes though. i do love the spandex.
27. IF MARY JANE WAS LEGAL WOULD YOU SMOKE IT?
who's that? jk.
28. WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF: A SOCIAL DRINKER, DRUNK, OR A NON DRINKER?
lolololol. a drunk, mos def. if only so i can say "i'm a drunk." it sounds kinda like extreme southern dialect, too "i'ma drunk..." try it.
29. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR EX?
geez, which one? most recent: a big, old, beanie baby. collecting dust. but cute, and relatively funny.
30. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR DO YOU TRY TO GET FREE DRINKS?
no. nobody ever buys me drinks. i mean, i'll take them if they're being given away though (i'ma drunk)
31. DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?
which one? no.
32. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO WORK MOST OFTEN?
which job? i'd say business casual in general.
33. ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS/GIRLS, COWBOYS/ COWGIRLS, OR DORKS?
yes
34. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
duh, i'm filling out this stupid survey!
35. HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM?
usually once maybe, i'll call a friend or family member and we say it
36. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
the outskirts of london. i would say new zealand but they're having some weather issues i hear.
37. WHEN YOU NEED SOME ALONE TIME WHERE DO YOU GO?
to the gym
38. WHAT ALL HAVE YOU EATEN TODAY?
doritos (SHUT UP), a bowl of cereal, some noodle soup, a salad and cinnamon pretzels, some soynuts
40. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL DO THIS SURVEY?
Alison maybe. oh, and your mom.
not long enough to justify the number of hours i've been on here
2. WOULD YOU EVER TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU HAVE SEX?
i can't imagine it would ever come up in conversation. my mom and i talk about it all the time, however.
3. DOES YOUR MOM SMOKE?
no. she cried when she found out i was smoking in college. literally, she cried. like when i got my first tattoo. she also burst into tears then. my poor mom. why do i torment her so with my rebelliousness?
4. WHO'S PROFILE DO YOU LIKE THE MOST ON MYSPACE?
your mom's
5. ARE YOU ASHAMED OF HOW MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH?
no, and frankly, i do not approve of the tone of this question. or its grammar.
6. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY CAR WHAT WOULD IT BE?
probably a mercedes SL roadster. a new one, and shiny. black probably. or silver. i was behind one the other day and i almost had a wreck coz i couldn't keep my eyes off of it. it was in front of me and we both turned left. then it took off in a cloud of daisies and butterflies, and a choir of angels sang praises in its wake. i snapped out of it.
8. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY?
in some ways. in others, not so much.
9. HOW OLD WILL YOU BE ON YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
29 i think. i keep forgetting. i started describing myself as "almost thirty" a few years back. it's simpler.
10. ARE YOU A LIKEABLE PERSON?
no, i don't think so. i'm very moody and apparently disagreeable most times. i alternate between manic and depressed others. oh, wait, am i supposed to be impression managing now? whatever, Liz and Alison know how crazy i am and they're probably the only ones that will read this.
11. WOULD YOU PREFER FRIENDS THAT ARE GIRLS OR GUYS?
no offense Liz and Alison, but i prefer guys. girls scare me.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO ON A TUESDAY NIGHT?
uh, tuesday? i usually retire early coz i work early wed mornings.
13. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?
yes, very much. but i'm also kind of fond of the fear.
14. WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE BEST: A DIAMOND RING OR A DIAMOND BRACELET?
a ring. i don't usually wear bracelets.
15. WHAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING THAT YOU'VE EVER EXPERIENCED?
when i got my arm eaten off by a giant octopus. at the same time, a crab bit my toe. the only reason i got away was coz the octopus turned on the crab, its favorite prey. apparently i'm nothing compared to that shizznit.
16. WHAT IS ONE THING THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
love
17. WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOUR GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
i never got a glass. were they handing out glasses??
18. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A GRAVE WHERE SOMEONE WAS BURIED?
no, i don't think so. i don't like to think of people as trapped there. it creeps me out big time. the body is just organic matter. the person is somewhere else. when i was little i was very afraid of the second coming of jesus coz "the dead in christ shall rise" and i was scared it would be like night of the living dead jesus.
19. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TO THE DOCTOR?
about a month ago i think
20. THE DAY YOU GET MARRIED WHO WILL BE YOUR BEST MAN/ MAID OF HONOR?
by the time i get married, i'm sure i won't know any more "maids" and hopefully the best man will be my husband. unless it's a lesbian wedding, in which case i think i would ask zane to be my best man.
21. DO YOU PREFER SHOES, SOCKS, OR BARE FEET?
it depends on what i'm doing
22. IF YOU COULD HAVE SEX WITH ONE PERSON ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST WHO WOULD IT BE?
your mom. oh wait, been there, done that!!
23. IF YOU COULD'VE GROWN UP DURING ANOTHER TIME WHEN WOULD IT HAVE BEEN?
i think i'm good. i mean, i would love to have grown up when my grandmothers did, but then you have to remember the depression, 2 world wars, the kkk, the holocaust, women as property and a racial caste system even more entrenched than today, so... maybe the 50s so i could have been around and protesting in the 60s. it would have been great to have felt like we were actually going to be able to change the world and make it a better place. and also all the free love and beatniks.
24. IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME WHAT WOULD IT BE?
guiseppe. stupid question. i would keep it the same.
25. WHO IN YOUR FAMILY DO YOU ACT THE MOST LIKE?
maybe my dad, which is extremely ironic.
26. WOULD YOU WEAR YOUR PJ'S ALL THE TIME IF YOU COULD?
no, i would wear workout clothes though. i do love the spandex.
27. IF MARY JANE WAS LEGAL WOULD YOU SMOKE IT?
who's that? jk.
28. WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF: A SOCIAL DRINKER, DRUNK, OR A NON DRINKER?
lolololol. a drunk, mos def. if only so i can say "i'm a drunk." it sounds kinda like extreme southern dialect, too "i'ma drunk..." try it.
29. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR EX?
geez, which one? most recent: a big, old, beanie baby. collecting dust. but cute, and relatively funny.
30. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR DO YOU TRY TO GET FREE DRINKS?
no. nobody ever buys me drinks. i mean, i'll take them if they're being given away though (i'ma drunk)
31. DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?
which one? no.
32. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO WORK MOST OFTEN?
which job? i'd say business casual in general.
33. ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS/GIRLS, COWBOYS/ COWGIRLS, OR DORKS?
yes
34. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
duh, i'm filling out this stupid survey!
35. HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM?
usually once maybe, i'll call a friend or family member and we say it
36. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
the outskirts of london. i would say new zealand but they're having some weather issues i hear.
37. WHEN YOU NEED SOME ALONE TIME WHERE DO YOU GO?
to the gym
38. WHAT ALL HAVE YOU EATEN TODAY?
doritos (SHUT UP), a bowl of cereal, some noodle soup, a salad and cinnamon pretzels, some soynuts
40. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL DO THIS SURVEY?
Alison maybe. oh, and your mom.
survey for fun
1. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A MEMBER OF MYSPACE?
not long enough to justify the number of hours i've been on here
2. WOULD YOU EVER TELL YOUR DAD THAT YOU HAVE SEX?
i can't imagine it would ever come up in conversation. my mom and i talk about it all the time, however.
3. DOES YOUR MOM SMOKE?
no. she cried when she found out i was smoking in college. literally, she cried. like when i got my first tattoo. she also burst into tears then. my poor mom. why do i torment her so with my rebelliousness?
4. WHO'S PROFILE DO YOU LIKE THE MOST ON MYSPACE?
your mom's
5. ARE YOU ASHAMED OF HOW MANY PEOPLE THAT YOU'VE HAD SEX WITH?
no, and frankly, i do not approve of the tone of this question. or its grammar.
6. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY CAR WHAT WOULD IT BE?
probably a mercedes SL roadster. a new one, and shiny. black probably. or silver. i was behind one the other day and i almost had a wreck coz i couldn't keep my eyes off of it. it was in front of me and we both turned left. then it took off in a cloud of daisies and butterflies, and a choir of angels sang praises in its wake. i snapped out of it.
8. DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY?
in some ways. in others, not so much.
9. HOW OLD WILL YOU BE ON YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
29 i think. i keep forgetting. i started describing myself as "almost thirty" a few years back. it's simpler.
10. ARE YOU A LIKEABLE PERSON?
no, i don't think so. i'm very moody and apparently disagreeable most times. i alternate between manic and depressed others. oh, wait, am i supposed to be impression managing now? whatever, Liz and Alison know how crazy i am and they're probably the only ones that will read this.
11. WOULD YOU PREFER FRIENDS THAT ARE GIRLS OR GUYS?
no offense Liz and Alison, but i prefer guys. girls scare me.
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE THING TO DO ON A TUESDAY NIGHT?
uh, tuesday? i usually retire early coz i work early wed mornings.
13. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?
yes, very much. but i'm also kind of fond of the fear.
14. WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE BEST: A DIAMOND RING OR A DIAMOND BRACELET?
a ring. i don't usually wear bracelets.
15. WHAT IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING THAT YOU'VE EVER EXPERIENCED?
when i got my arm eaten off by a giant octopus. at the same time, a crab bit my toe. the only reason i got away was coz the octopus turned on the crab, its favorite prey. apparently i'm nothing compared to that shizznit.
16. WHAT IS ONE THING THAT YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT?
love
17. WOULD YOU SAY THAT YOUR GLASS IS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
i never got a glass. were they handing out glasses??
18. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A GRAVE WHERE SOMEONE WAS BURIED?
no, i don't think so. i don't like to think of people as trapped there. it creeps me out big time. the body is just organic matter. the person is somewhere else. when i was little i was very afraid of the second coming of jesus coz "the dead in christ shall rise" and i was scared it would be like night of the living dead jesus.
19. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WENT TO THE DOCTOR?
about a month ago i think
20. THE DAY YOU GET MARRIED WHO WILL BE YOUR BEST MAN/ MAID OF HONOR?
by the time i get married, i'm sure i won't know any more "maids" and hopefully the best man will be my husband. unless it's a lesbian wedding, in which case i think i would ask zane to be my best man.
21. DO YOU PREFER SHOES, SOCKS, OR BARE FEET?
it depends on what i'm doing
22. IF YOU COULD HAVE SEX WITH ONE PERSON ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST WHO WOULD IT BE?
your mom. oh wait, been there, done that!!
23. IF YOU COULD'VE GROWN UP DURING ANOTHER TIME WHEN WOULD IT HAVE BEEN?
i think i'm good. i mean, i would love to have grown up when my grandmothers did, but then you have to remember the depression, 2 world wars, the kkk, the holocaust, women as property and a racial caste system even more entrenched than today, so... maybe the 50s so i could have been around and protesting in the 60s. it would have been great to have felt like we were actually going to be able to change the world and make it a better place. and also all the free love and beatniks.
24. IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME WHAT WOULD IT BE?
guiseppe. stupid question. i would keep it the same.
25. WHO IN YOUR FAMILY DO YOU ACT THE MOST LIKE?
maybe my dad, which is extremely ironic.
26. WOULD YOU WEAR YOUR PJ'S ALL THE TIME IF YOU COULD?
no, i would wear workout clothes though. i do love the spandex.
27. IF MARY JANE WAS LEGAL WOULD YOU SMOKE IT?
who's that? jk.
28. WOULD YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF: A SOCIAL DRINKER, DRUNK, OR A NON DRINKER?
lolololol. a drunk, mos def. if only so i can say "i'm a drunk." it sounds kinda like extreme southern dialect, too "i'ma drunk..." try it.
29. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR EX?
geez, which one? most recent: a big, old, beanie baby. collecting dust. but cute, and relatively funny.
30. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR DO YOU TRY TO GET FREE DRINKS?
no. nobody ever buys me drinks. i mean, i'll take them if they're being given away though (i'ma drunk)
31. DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?
which one? no.
32. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO WORK MOST OFTEN?
which job? i'd say business casual in general.
33. ARE YOU ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS/GIRLS, COWBOYS/ COWGIRLS, OR DORKS?
yes
34. WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
duh, i'm filling out this stupid survey!
35. HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM?
usually once maybe, i'll call a friend or family member and we say it
36. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
the outskirts of london. i would say new zealand but they're having some weather issues i hear.
37. WHEN YOU NEED SOME ALONE TIME WHERE DO YOU GO?
to the gym
38. WHAT ALL HAVE YOU EATEN TODAY?
doritos (SHUT UP), a bowl of cereal, some noodle soup, a salad and cinnamon pretzels, some soynuts
40. WHO DO YOU THINK WILL DO THIS SURVEY?
Alison maybe. oh, and your mom.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
this is a blog-wirthy survey (thanks brook!)
Thirteen random things you like:
1. gil elvgren pin-up girls
2. tomatoes out of the garden
3. being in the woods in the middle of nowhere
4. talking to my mom when i'm not in a hurry
5. line dancing
6. getting tattoos
7. hibiscus blossoms
8. swimming in the pool
9. making collages
10. exercising
11. laying out at the beach
12. getting letters from friends in the mail
13. when low tree branches hang over the sidewalk and the leaves brush my forehead when i walk under them.
Twelve movies:
1. secretary
2. born into brothels
3. sex lies and videotape
4. the constant gardener
5. masculin feminin
6. the care bears movie
7. the big lebowski
8. memento
9. bound
10. all dogs go to heaven
11. my life as a dog
12. jules et jim
Eleven good bands or singers/musicians:
1. belly
2. red house painters
3. this mortal coil
4. the cure
5. the sundays
6. the smiths
7. the innocence mission
8. sufjan stevens
9. coldplay
10. sam cooke
11. lisa germano
Ten things about you, physically:
1. long fingers
2. brown hair
3. hazel eyes
4. big booty
5. smile wrinkles (better than frown wrinkles...)
6. allergic to too much stuff
7. tired insomniac
8. tattoos
9. sensitive skin
10. ears and tongue pierced
Nine things about you, mentally/emotionally:
1. insecure
2. jealous
3. moody
4. sensitive
5. stubborn
6. flirty
7. intelligent
8. at turns insightful and oblivious
9. attentive but forgetful
Eight favorite drinks:
1. red wine (rioja or pinot noir preferably)
2. bitter beers (fullers esb especially)
3. coffee (soy latte especially)
4. water
5. fountain cokes
6. cream soda floats
7. iced red zinger tea
8. strawberry banana smoothies made with apple juice and peanut butter and maybe chocolate (but no milk or ice cream!!)
Seven things you wear daily:
1. glasses
2. underwear including bra
3. hair tie around my wrist or in my hair
4. shirt
5. usually my rings
6. skirts or slacks (not shorts)
7. nightie at some point
Six things that annoy you:
1. people who don't use their turn signals
2. inconsideration
3. when people say they're going to do something and then they don't
4. passive aggressiveness (especially in me)
5. the traffic lights in decatur
6. people honking their horns when they pass me walking
Five favorite foods:
1. lasagna (it makes me super sick)
2. my mom's fried okra and fried green tomatoes
3. tomato sandwiches with mayonnaise or honey mustard
4. alfredo noodles
5. my mom's potato soup
Four shows you watch:
1. friends on dvd
2. the office uk on dvd
3. arrested development on dvd
4. ren and stimpy on dvd
Three celebrities you have a crush on:
1. james spader
2. sufjan stevens
3. jake gyllenhaal (and also maggie. it's sick, i know)
Two things you come in contact with everyday:
1. my ibook thank god
2. my cell phone
One song you like right now:
1. chariots rise by lizzie west
1. gil elvgren pin-up girls
2. tomatoes out of the garden
3. being in the woods in the middle of nowhere
4. talking to my mom when i'm not in a hurry
5. line dancing
6. getting tattoos
7. hibiscus blossoms
8. swimming in the pool
9. making collages
10. exercising
11. laying out at the beach
12. getting letters from friends in the mail
13. when low tree branches hang over the sidewalk and the leaves brush my forehead when i walk under them.
Twelve movies:
1. secretary
2. born into brothels
3. sex lies and videotape
4. the constant gardener
5. masculin feminin
6. the care bears movie
7. the big lebowski
8. memento
9. bound
10. all dogs go to heaven
11. my life as a dog
12. jules et jim
Eleven good bands or singers/musicians:
1. belly
2. red house painters
3. this mortal coil
4. the cure
5. the sundays
6. the smiths
7. the innocence mission
8. sufjan stevens
9. coldplay
10. sam cooke
11. lisa germano
Ten things about you, physically:
1. long fingers
2. brown hair
3. hazel eyes
4. big booty
5. smile wrinkles (better than frown wrinkles...)
6. allergic to too much stuff
7. tired insomniac
8. tattoos
9. sensitive skin
10. ears and tongue pierced
Nine things about you, mentally/emotionally:
1. insecure
2. jealous
3. moody
4. sensitive
5. stubborn
6. flirty
7. intelligent
8. at turns insightful and oblivious
9. attentive but forgetful
Eight favorite drinks:
1. red wine (rioja or pinot noir preferably)
2. bitter beers (fullers esb especially)
3. coffee (soy latte especially)
4. water
5. fountain cokes
6. cream soda floats
7. iced red zinger tea
8. strawberry banana smoothies made with apple juice and peanut butter and maybe chocolate (but no milk or ice cream!!)
Seven things you wear daily:
1. glasses
2. underwear including bra
3. hair tie around my wrist or in my hair
4. shirt
5. usually my rings
6. skirts or slacks (not shorts)
7. nightie at some point
Six things that annoy you:
1. people who don't use their turn signals
2. inconsideration
3. when people say they're going to do something and then they don't
4. passive aggressiveness (especially in me)
5. the traffic lights in decatur
6. people honking their horns when they pass me walking
Five favorite foods:
1. lasagna (it makes me super sick)
2. my mom's fried okra and fried green tomatoes
3. tomato sandwiches with mayonnaise or honey mustard
4. alfredo noodles
5. my mom's potato soup
Four shows you watch:
1. friends on dvd
2. the office uk on dvd
3. arrested development on dvd
4. ren and stimpy on dvd
Three celebrities you have a crush on:
1. james spader
2. sufjan stevens
3. jake gyllenhaal (and also maggie. it's sick, i know)
Two things you come in contact with everyday:
1. my ibook thank god
2. my cell phone
One song you like right now:
1. chariots rise by lizzie west
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
thanks
1. this morning no one in my building turned on their water while i was in the shower, so i had uninterrupted hot water the whole time
2. there's this loose square of sidewalk on the way to school that i always enjoy walking on, because it sways up and down like a miniature see saw for one
3. i am through with course work in my program, so everyone is walking around like stressed out zombies and i can feel a surprising sense of relative calm
4. my friend michael was able to come in to school today and we could code together, which made the yucky task much more tolerable
5. morrissey
6. someone brought donut holes from dunkin donuts into school today and i got to have two powdered sugar coated ones, which aside from fresh, hot glazed krispy kreme donuts are my favorite breakfast dessert
7. for at least a few days, the "tell us what you're reading, viewing, or listening to" option on myspace was working
8. someone uploaded the napolean dynamite dance clip into youtube.
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that's all for now.
charity :)
2. there's this loose square of sidewalk on the way to school that i always enjoy walking on, because it sways up and down like a miniature see saw for one
3. i am through with course work in my program, so everyone is walking around like stressed out zombies and i can feel a surprising sense of relative calm
4. my friend michael was able to come in to school today and we could code together, which made the yucky task much more tolerable
5. morrissey
6. someone brought donut holes from dunkin donuts into school today and i got to have two powdered sugar coated ones, which aside from fresh, hot glazed krispy kreme donuts are my favorite breakfast dessert
7. for at least a few days, the "tell us what you're reading, viewing, or listening to" option on myspace was working
8. someone uploaded the napolean dynamite dance clip into youtube.
that's all for now.
charity :)
Monday, May 01, 2006
you CAN make a difference in television!!
the other day i got a phone call. and by "i," i mean "a person 18 or more years of age who lives in my household." but still, i'll take what i can get some afternoons. so the caller and i proceeded to talk about my television viewing and local newspaper reading and radio listening habits. (i guess it was better than the phone survey where i had to rate caribou and starbucks in like 750 different areas, but still: yawn...) so i was answering all her questions, even though i was bored out of my mind (i don't watch local television, i don't read local newspapers, and i don't listen to local radio, so i figured it wouldn't be much of a commitment to agree to the survey). then when we finally finished, she told me they would send me more surveys in the mail and wouldn't i please fill them out because my input really does make a difference, yada yada. and, she said, "be sure not to throw them away, because there will be a small cash payment in there for your troubles."
geez.
a few days later, sure enough, i received the envelopes, with two seperate booklets of surveys, one of which was a "television viewing diary." luckily i never watch television, so i only have to check the "no" boxes in front of every single 30-minute interval, all of which are listed covering a period of 7 whole days.
so, since they actually did send a cash payment ($7 in cash bizarrely taped to the letter enclosed with the booklets...), i decided to do it. i mean, really. fuck it. you guys know how i love taking surveys. so i took the non-diary book with me to java monkey, and then sat for like an hour and filled out that mess. but the thing is, the questions just depressed me! the one that really got me was the question "in the last 7-day period, about how much would you say you've walked?" the options were: less than one mile, between one and three miles, and more than three miles.
now i just think that's really sad. i mean, we live in a society where walking is so seldom done that we as a population routinely go a seven-day period without walking one mile. and who can blame us? in atlanta where are we going to walk to? i am supremely lucky because right now i live close enough to campus to be able to walk. but when i move this summer i probably won't be able to afford a place this close. and aside from distance, there are the problems of sidewalks in disrepair, insane drivers, and extremely poor city planning.
what really got to me, though, was the question about fast food restaurants we had visited in the past seven days. there was a whole page of options. literally, the options covered more than one whole page, single spaced, small type, average size page. and we wonder why americans are overweight. we refuse to and/or cannot walk anywhere and we drive everywhere, especially to our precious fast food restaurants. or starbucks. to read our local paper. then come home and watch our local news. or dr. phil. (or check our myspace messages...)
the options for how much have you driven in the past seven days went up to "over 100 miles," which just makes me wonder: where are we going??
well, i'm going to walk to school, do some work, work out, then walk home. i hope you guys have a good evening.
charity :)
geez.
a few days later, sure enough, i received the envelopes, with two seperate booklets of surveys, one of which was a "television viewing diary." luckily i never watch television, so i only have to check the "no" boxes in front of every single 30-minute interval, all of which are listed covering a period of 7 whole days.
so, since they actually did send a cash payment ($7 in cash bizarrely taped to the letter enclosed with the booklets...), i decided to do it. i mean, really. fuck it. you guys know how i love taking surveys. so i took the non-diary book with me to java monkey, and then sat for like an hour and filled out that mess. but the thing is, the questions just depressed me! the one that really got me was the question "in the last 7-day period, about how much would you say you've walked?" the options were: less than one mile, between one and three miles, and more than three miles.
now i just think that's really sad. i mean, we live in a society where walking is so seldom done that we as a population routinely go a seven-day period without walking one mile. and who can blame us? in atlanta where are we going to walk to? i am supremely lucky because right now i live close enough to campus to be able to walk. but when i move this summer i probably won't be able to afford a place this close. and aside from distance, there are the problems of sidewalks in disrepair, insane drivers, and extremely poor city planning.
what really got to me, though, was the question about fast food restaurants we had visited in the past seven days. there was a whole page of options. literally, the options covered more than one whole page, single spaced, small type, average size page. and we wonder why americans are overweight. we refuse to and/or cannot walk anywhere and we drive everywhere, especially to our precious fast food restaurants. or starbucks. to read our local paper. then come home and watch our local news. or dr. phil. (or check our myspace messages...)
the options for how much have you driven in the past seven days went up to "over 100 miles," which just makes me wonder: where are we going??
well, i'm going to walk to school, do some work, work out, then walk home. i hope you guys have a good evening.
charity :)
always a secretary, never a bond girl...
You are Miss Moneypenny -- efficient and indespensible. You're a true survivor. You've seen them come and go...bad guys, girlfriends, supervisors, assistants, but when it comes right down to it, you're the one woman Bond can't live without.
[Take this quiz!]
i hate just posting a quiz, so i thought i'd add a statement: "not only am i miss moneypenny [not ms.], i am also tired and my tummy hurts." i am at work and i've already eaten my mid-morning and most of my mid-afternoon snacks. i'm hoping they'll let me go early today because i'd love to be able to go do some work at school. it's really piling up. kind of like all these things i want to write blogs about. sometimes i just don't have the energy. i've been really tired lately, but trying to keep working out and drinking less. this weekend i went to a cookout and i had a great time but definitely drank too much. it's been good to stop during the week, but i need to get to the point where i don't "make up for it" on the weekends!
luckily it didn't rain for the cookout, although it was so cold we ate inside and when the food was cooking on the grill we surrounded it like a bonfire. i felt like i was in college again, and kept expecting someone to put in van morrison's "moondance" or the beastie boys' "check your head." or bring our their djembe.
it was also really cold this morning. i don't understand. i feel at a loss. isn't it may? and wasn't it in the 80s last week? well, i've been inside all day; it's probably 95 by now. atlanta is crazy.
hmm, and as for the quiz. i know it's silly, but it's really the most i could muster today. it was pretty fun to take, though. although i wish i would have gotten someone a little more dangerous.
i hope you are all well today
charity :)
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