yesterday when i got home from lenoir i realized i left my guitar in the hotel room and i broke down--about my mom's emphysema, about my stepdad who fell down the stairs and was all bruised and scraped up, about my little brother who is smoking cigarettes and who knows what else, about my dissertation and all the associated deadlines, about the part-time data coding job i have that is making me crazy, about my impending move, about my finances, about my back which has been hurting and stiff, about having to quit my job at the salon, about all the laundry i have to do, about all the stuff from my childhood that is in boxes in my car, about the classes i am teaching in the fall and spring, about losing my guitar, etc. i literally had to go get a paper bag and breathe into it. i'm feeling better now, but only in the sense that i'm no longer hyperventilating, really. i am desperatey craving stability and calm. the fact that i'm close to finishing grad school is very much a relief. i just wish i could go ahead and finish before my panic attacks start to become a daily event....
last night after the storm had somewhat subsided, i sent out an email asking people to help me move, and i HATE asking people for help (it's like my least favorite thing in the world). then my friends are all "i'll help!" "i'll help!" and it has really warmed my heart. thank god for friends and family. the best things in my life.
xoxo
charity :)
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