I used to love that song. I think when I was little I thought about that, about how pretty women would get their payback when no one would marry them. Because really, what women really need is another reason to compare their looks to the looks of other women, and judge each other based on these comparisons. Oh, and judge each other based on the success of getting a man.
"Hey man, I saw your wife the other day."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, and she's UGLY!!!!"
"Yeah she's ugly, but she sure can cook!"
It pisses me off that this song is so danceable, because I'd rather hate it; it might be responsible for a large number of my neuroses. That, and the teen novel I read that described a girl as beautiful and even more so because she didn't think she was. Somehow along the way, I became convinced that I was not pretty, and that my thinking so was a good thing. And I also got all of the advice (HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HEARD THIS?!?!) that as soon as I think I'm not going to meet someone; as soon as I give up on love, love will walk right in the door.
Almost a year ago this week my mom told me that I'm "one of those women who meets the perfect guy when she's 45." Yay. Great. I always think that's bullshit, and then another year passes and I find myself in the exact same position, with the exact same issues.
A friend told me that just because I change my behavior, I can't expect the world around me to change overnight. However, I would expect SOME difference. Instead, I'm still in the situation of having 1) guys who want to be my little brother, and 2) guys who want to go on one date with me (preferably without the date part).
I'm so fed up with the whole thing. And then I hear songs like the one above and it just tears me up inside. Mostly because I remember young Charity hearing this song and becoming convinced that having poor self-esteem is the way to meet a wonderful man and finally (of course, with the man's help) have the life I always wanted.
It's just so twisted. And I hate to say it, but I may have also been influenced by third wave feminists. I'm thinking, for example, of Ani Difranco's anthem of anti-pretty:
"Not A Pretty Girl"
I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling
and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere
and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up
I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl
As if pretty girls, as a rule, need to be rescued and can't be self-sufficient. I mean, sure she allows that the "kittens" in the "trees" might figure out how to get out of the trees, but why so defensive? Why so combative? So now I'm supposed to be irritated at beautiful women and at men? So basically what is left is me as an ugly spinster! Yay!!
(This video was made by someone and posted on MySpace, obviously. It was the only video I could find of the entire song.)
All of that is bullshit. You have to be pretty, you have to know you're pretty, and you have to expect love to get love. You can't love another and allow them to love you if you don't love yourself.
And the thing about "pretty" that it took me so long to realize is that you can be pretty simply by KNOWING you're pretty. The truth is, if you think you're not, even if you are, you don't look pretty. You look sad, and bored, and rejected, and defensive, etc. And if you think you are, even if you're "not," you look pretty. You look fun, and happy, and warm, and inviting, and interesting. It's about carrying yourself, and about knowing what you want and deserve and having faith that it will come along.
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