the low price guarantee.

I was on my way to babysit tonight when I noticed a sign on a telephone pole. As luck would have it, I was compelled by a traffic light to stop right beside it, giving me plenty of time to read the following:

Indian Healer

Love Luck
Money Health

Solves All Problems $10

Now, in terms of marketing, sure it grabbed my attention. However, the sign left many unanswered questions.

For instance, what exactly is an "Indian Healer"? Is that Native American, or Indian the continent? Do they include this qualifier to give the healer more legitimacy? Would fewer people feel inclined to call if the sign simply read "Healer"? Would they think they wouldn't get their money's worth or that their hopes for satisfaction would be unrealized?

How did they come up with the four advertised rewards? Are these the main things people desire? Did they sample the population to make sure? Why does health come last and love first? Would the order be different in, say, Santa Fe or Minneapolis? Wouldn't good luck be unnecessary in most cases if people's dreams for love, money, and health were realized?

By "all problems" do they really mean that the Indian Healer can solve any problems even if they aren't related to love, luck, money, or health? Really? Like, what about indigestion? Can this Indian Healer help me find my life's passion? Can this Indian Healer open my heart and let me trust people and forgive those who have hurt me in the past? Can the Indian Healer make my apartment slightly bigger so that my cats don't have to use the litter box right under my work desk? Can the Indian Healer make H & M hurry up and open here in Atlanta? Can this Indian Healer help me stop playing "Oregon Trail" on Facebook?

And finally, $10? Seriously? I'm surprised the sign didn't say "OBO" (or best offer). Any legitimacy the "Indian" label gives is somewhat diminished by the fact that the solutions are practically free. It kind of makes me not want to trust this sign stapled to a phone pole on Ponce de Leon Avenue.

Of course, I do have several pressing problems, to which I have been looking for solutions...