my world without television...

I tell you what. I am addicted to TV after all. I knew it would be tough to begin yesterday since I would miss Project Runway. What I wasn't prepared for was the eerie calm while preparing dinner. I didn't even miss Project Runway, actually, since by that time I was already watching Blood Diamond. (I can't give up movies, too! But I'm not renting, so until my Netflix gets here, it's just eerie quiet from that corner of the room...)

Anyway, last night I couldn't even make a decision about what to eat with all the quiet. It was so strange. I started feeling agitated, like I needed some companionship, like I was crawling out of my skin. I called my mom, who told me just to turn on some music. The thought hadn't even occurred to me.

Me: "Oh, yeah, I'll just do that. That's a good idea. Isn't it funny that I didn't even think of it?"

Mom: "Yeah, well, Charity, I gotta go, if you don't mind. Family Feud is on, and it's my favorite part. The part where they...[Drifts off, I imagine to look at screen] That's ok, right?"

Me: "Yeah, that's ok, I'll just..."

Mom: "Ok, bye."

[click]

I decided to make the ratatouille again. It was good as usual. Tonight I'll make a stir-fry in honor of Chinese New Year. Happy Year of the Rat! Hopefully it will be a year filled with economic prosperity, although stories of a recession abound. This article gives tips on investing in these "troubling" times, and investments are supposed to pay off well if made wisely during a Year of the Rat (if you're into that sort of thing). It is supposed to be a year filled with socializing as well as bickering, but no lasting ill will. A great time for fresh starts.

We'll see. There are several fresh starts I'd like to make this year: a new start as a graduate of graduate school, a new start as someone who does yoga every day, a new start as someone who weighs twenty pounds less.

I've been re-reading the absolutely amazing Comfortable with Uncertainty and am on the quest to love myself as I am, no matter whether I make those fresh starts or not. It's amazing how conditional my love can be for myself. I'm going to work on that. I've been making good progress.

I've recently realized that I am responsible for my own happiness and that I alone am capable of creating it. It's pretty liberating, actually, since I realize that I don't have to worry about requiring something from someone else or even myself, but that I must just accept "now" and find happiness in the present moment. It's always there if we open ourselves to it.

The yoga helps. In fact, one reason I didn't think about putting on music while preparing dinner is because I have been listening to meditation "music" (a soft gong for thirty minutes, then a Tibetan singing bowl for thirty minutes) while I'm at home. It's very peaceful. I've been doing yoga by candlelight before bed, with meditation music in the background. It's been very relaxing, but I think it might be causing me to wake up in the night. I can't see why it would but I don't know how else to explain it.

Anyway, to fresh starts and loving unconditionally! I'll keep you posted as my world without television continues to unfold.

Charity :)

PS - I have been fiddling around with Dreamweaver, which I recently got at my part-time job. It's not as simple as I'd hoped, but it has inspired me to want to change the layout of my blog. So maybe I'll do that. Just FYI.