Random writings, photos, and video clips. No, you didn't ask. Yes, I'm going to tell you anyway.
Thursday, May 29, 2025
ChatGPT and the End of the World (8)
ChatGPT and the End of the World (7)
ChatGPT and the End of the World (6)
ChatGPT and the End of the World (5)
ChatGPT and the End of the World (4)
ChatGPT and the End of the World (3)
ChatGPT and the End of the World (2)
ChatGPT and the End of the World (1)
Wednesday, January 05, 2022
The Insanity of the Mundane
Hi there. It's been a while. I hope you are well.
For me, as with most people probably, it's been a roller coaster.
[By the way, I'm not talking about the kind of coaster that is fun and exhilarating and makes you feel like you're flying and afterwards you stand tall, ready to conquer all of life's problems. I'm talking about the kind of coaster where the seats in the car are covered in pee, the headrest is smeared with blood, and your shoes are ruined by the pools of vomit in the floor, and where you go up the first hill hearing ominous noises and watching nuts and bolts fall to the ground, so you close your eyes the rest of the trip - after you survive, against all odds, you stumble towards the exit and collapse on the bench outside, unable to walk or eat or drink water for the rest of the day due to the lingering nausea and psychological trauma. Not fun. But a teaching moment.]
As 2020 starts again for the third time, I feel exhausted, overwhelmed, useless, and defeated. I truly hope you feel better.
I've missed blogging and writing, but have been basically paralyzed by angst for the past however many months. In mommy terms I would say that my current trauma state is entering its 25th month.
[On second thought, I'd probably say my trauma was born August 2016, when Collin and I moved from SF to NC to be closer to our family. Just last night was the latest time one of us looked drearily at the other and said "I wish we'd never left San Francisco." This time it was Collin, but the hot potato goes back and forth repeatedly. That would make the trauma a fitting 66 months old. Deep breath.]
I know everyone is having a hard time, and other people continue to function relatively effectively in this modern pseudo-hell. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am thankful for it. In fact, I'm in an almost constant state of desperation to appreciate everything I have before the other shoe falls and everything immediately slips away. I'm clinging to the bearable NOW before it inevitably turns into the horrific THEN, when I just won't be able to survive it anymore. My mind pushes out adrenaline, whispering enjoy it now bitch and cackling terrifyingly. Then I look around in the silence with wide, wild eyes and say a short prayer of thanks for the mediocrity of my life.
"Everything's ok," I blurt out to myself as a mantra, hoping no one heard me. "This is fine, I have a wonderful life, I should be happy," I blather on and on inside because if I stop for long, the other voice comes back from the shadows: enjoy it now, bitch.
From the outside I guess it probably seems like I live a life of leisure. The truth is I'm just barely hanging on from one day to the next. I haven't had a full-time job since 2019, and after almost two years of underemployment in a global pandemic my daily routines have become ice floes. I swim from one to the next like a polar bear, all the while stuffing my face day after day in preparation for a hibernation that never happens. I complete my chores and small projects and then try to find a new one before the panic sets in. [Let's not talk about how climate change is making the ice floes further and further apart, but it's clearly happening in my metaphor, too.]
After 25 months of surviving-not-thriving, I'm feeling pretty hopeless. Actually, hopeless isn't quite the right word. Let's see, what's the feeling called when you are handcuffed in prison on the Titanic trying to stand on something to keep your head above water before you drown? That's what I'm feeling. Maybe not hopeless, but definitely helpless. Just waiting for Rose to show up with the ax, I guess.
I hope you are better. I hope the new year brings happiness and gratitude and blessings and laughter and love to all of us. I hope we find ways to help others. Maybe if we still have hope, we can help, and that will help us all.
Charity
Wednesday, September 19, 2018
A trip to San Francisco (July 2017)
Birthday Blues
As you may have guessed, I did not finish any of my 40 before 40 or 400 before 40 or 4 before 40 lists or anything similar. I now have one more thing that I think I did poorly though, so I could easily make a list of 40 failures before 40, and perhaps to cap off this week of turning 41, I could even list 40 failures since 40. It's been a sickening unsatisfying messy cycle of getting wind in my sails and then having my sails fall apart over and over and over again.
Life is good, though. I could be incredibly or uncomfortably unhealthy, rather than just inconveniently and embarrassingly so. I could be destitute and without the safety of a roof over my head, or I could be living life with no amazing wonderful cats which would also be terrible.
Overall things aren't terrible but I just expected more, you know? I just expected more, that's all.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, August 09, 2017
AFI Top 100: Swing Time (#90 in 2007; not listed in 1998)
Not to sound like an old fuddy-duddy or anything, but I'm so happy to be watching a movie that doesn't have lots of blood and cursing. What a joy!
This particular film won an Academy Award for best original song (The Way You Look Tonight) and many say it's the best Astaire-Rogers film (although there's a common perception that the plot needs improvement). It's funny to me that Lucky initially sings this beautiful song to Penny while she's washing her hair, a clichéd excuse women gave for not going out. (Yes, Lucky and Penny...)
Much of the film is centered around their performances at a club mysteriously called the Silver Sandal. I wish I'd been able to go out for dinner and see entertainment like this. What an experience that must have been! It makes me wonder how they can afford it though. Cover charge? Overpriced entrees? Sixteen drink minimum?
Some of the performances were less romantic than the above. For instance:
And perhaps the pièce de résistance:
Update 4: 400 B4 40
Forty Playlists:
I'm falling behind on these because they are really hard! I'm almost done with 1987-1990, which will bring me right into adolescence and grunge music, so that should be a breeze, right?!?!Year 0: 1977
Year 1: 1978
Year 2: 1979
Year 3: 1980
Year 4: 1981
Year 5: 1982
Year 6: 1983
Year 7: 1984
Year 8: 1985
Year 9: 1986
Forty-ish Films:
1 (100): Ben-Hur
2 (99): Toy Story
3 (98): Yankee Doodle Dandy
4 (97): The Last Picture Show
5 (96): Do the Right Thing
6 (95): The Last Picture Show
7 (94): Pulp Fiction
8 (93): The French Connection
9 (92): Goodfellas
Forty Defining Experiences:
I have created a list of 21 experiences so far!
Forty Chores:
1 - repair paint on carl
2 - get NC license plate
3 - get ivy from trees
4 - remove dead weeds from walkway [I feel like I've done this a million times and they keep coming back. I think that's the nature of weeds, which makes me wonder if I should take this off the list...]
5 - trim azalea
6 - file all paperwork
7 - update blog background
8 - replace filter on cat fountain
9 - do something about the doors
10 - plant something?
11 - get a new passport (need to wait until after July)
12 - go to the eye doctor
13 - go to the lady doctor
14 - go to the dentist
15 - go to the dermatologist?
16 - find a real doctor
17 - cancel Foreign Affairs subscription
18 - update address at SFFCU and get new debit card
19 - hang plants from ceiling
20 - hang intentions board
21 - edit video footage of Louis from 2015
22 - edit video footage of Collin from 2016
23 - edit video footage of Devon from 2017
24 - renew library books and return books that can't be renewed anymore
25 - fix slow draining shower!!!
26 - Write May Minimalism Challenge blog entry
27 - edit video footage of Greer's wedding from 2017
28 - finish year 1 (SF) photo book! :-)
29 - photobook for Greer!
30 - take donations away from the house!
31 - oil change for Carl
32 - curtains for the bathroom
33 - make shed lockable
Forty Unbroken Chains:
I have been steadily accumulating stuff and feel certain I will be able to accumulate more.
Forty Letters:
Honestly I'm reconsidering writing these. I'll think about it more and if I change my mind I will explain why.
Forty Acts of Self-Love:
1 - 14 - I started doing Richard Hittleman's Yoga: 28 Day Exercise Plan. I'm on day 14, so I'm counting it as 14. :-)
15 - another sweet half hour in the massage chair while Collin got another haircut
16 - visited some of my wonderful friends in SF
17 - mani-pedi in SF!
18 - shiatsu massage with communal bathing at Kabuki Springs & Spa, which should really count as 50 self-care acts because it was so amazing and I'm so glad I didn't find it when we lived in SF or I would have spent all of my money there, which actually may not have been such a bad thing come to think of it :-)
19 - signed up for regular facials
20 - massage and facial at Massage Envy
21 - lots of foot soaking!
22 - facial steam
23 - haircut
24 - rainbow mani-pedi
25 - massage chair at Collin's haircut
26 - lying out in the sun on the porch reading Borne
Forty Job Applications:
I am currently working part-time as a companion and just finished my application to be a Lyft driver. I'm also in talks to finalize another part-time job opportunity, so I'm feeling slightly optimistic. I'm very thankful for the opportunity I've had to really focus on finding work that makes me happy, while also taking some time to get settled into our new life in Durham. I'm ready to be at work full-time, though. This gig economy is exhausting for real.
Forty Photos:
I gave a print of this to my mom one Mother's Day and this year I got a print for myself too. It's hanging beside my computer screen so I see it whenever I am in my office and often look at it when I take my "space-out breaks" (not sure what they are actually called but I'm sure you know what I mean). It's very special to me.
Forty Haiku:
Five:
my motto of late:
suck it up and suck it in!
(not sure it's helping)
Six:
seagulls gathering -
in the twilight they sort through
abandoned memories.


