Attitude adjustment.

Ok, so I MAY have an attitude problem today. That MAY have been lingering since Monday.

It's not good, because I have a show tonight. I need to get my head in the game, and quit, um, having my head not in the game.

It's just, I had a terrible experience with improv Monday night, which I catalogued in my Improv Blog, and then last night I worked with some folks on a game I struggle with: Repeat Scene. These two things did not really combine to make me feel that "I can DO this!!" feeling that I normally have about improv. So now, I'm not so much nervous as anxious about tonight.

And also, my head shots won't come in the mail until tomorrow.

Blegh.

(See how I need to get out of this funk?!?!)

Trying to get happy!

For Kimberly.

Unmentionable

I am depressed. Actually, not really depressed so much as filled with seething, inexplicable rage.

I don't know why. This is one of those days where I wished there was an "Answer Key" to my life and I could consult it, find out what my deal is, and fix that poo. Unfortunately there is not one. So here I am, looking and feeling and acting like a crazy person, with my eye twitching and my legs both bouncing up and down, shaking my head back and forth. Grrrr...

I have some ideas about why I'm feeling this way, actually. I'll deal with it in a few hours, but in the meantime I need my ridiculous anger to get me to work a few hours out of spite, grimacing and growling all the way.

I'll fill you in later. I PROMISE.

Waiting for Baxter at a bar in Union Square

At the Tim Burton special MoMA exhibit.

Something not at all awesome.

I will have $6.00 in my bank account when my outstanding bills are paid. FOR THE MONTH.

Luckily my medicine is paid for through my FSA, or I'd be very very depressed here in a little bit.

I need to wait to write more. I'm still pretty much in shock.

Sigh.

UPDATE: I realized that is how much I will have in my account IF I buy the awesome pair of boots I found on Zappos.com. Hmm... Well, $6.00 is still SOME money, so I can afford them, right?

Wha....!?!

I just noticed that in all of 2009 I only had 17 posts. Hilarious. Not my most fertile year.

Yargh.

Good news: I started taking my medicine and feel much better. Bad news: my friends don't feel better and my boss is stuck in DC with her sick daughter. I want to work out but I want to stay home with the cats. I'm confused and I miss my sweet BF, since we were having a very tense time until the day before he left to go back to NC for two weeks.

MEH!

Bad news: I'm still at work. Good news: LOST is on tonight and I have some great photos to post of my awesome trip last weekend. Oh, and this week it's SHOWTIME!!

Charity :-)

Warning: entering therapy step-down!

Not the best time of my life to forget to take my medicine, I'll admit. Unfortunately I find myself in this situation, while preparing to go on a whirlwind trip to NYC with my boyfriend right before Valentine's Day, my least favorite holiday, and a few months before the one-year mark, historically my least favorite anniversary. In fact, I've never even been in a relationship that long. Ever. Oh, and I'm not sleeping enough, I'm falling behind at work, and I'm on my period. Awesome.

So basically, what better time to begin distancing myself from therapy and forgetting to take my medicines?! Looks like someone might be trying to self-sabotage again...

I need to go update my zombie blog I think. It's much less depressing.

Hello?!?

OMG, how could I forget?

It's freaking GROUNDHOG DAY!!!

Unfortunately, Punxsutawney Phil DID see his shadow again, so 6 more weeks of winter. But at least one of my favorite movies is on Bravo: GROUNDHOG DAY! Sweet.

Charity :-)

PS-Don't forget your booties 'coz it's COLD OUT THERE!

Egggggcellent.

I don't really have anything eggcellent to say, although Sanks and I went to Flying Biscuit this weekend and I got some sort of Eggcellent something or other. Anyway, it was gross. I keep thinking I like eggs, since I like eggs, but in fact, I don't really like eggs. Yes, I'm confused about the whole "egg" thing, too.

I was supposed to go work out with Katie this evening. We have a regular Tuesday date to work out while watching the Biggest Loser. I've been quite enjoying it. However, I've been torn all day because what I really want to do is make a huge pot of chili, get some beer, guacamole, and tortilla chips, and watch LOST. This obviously conflicted in every way with my previous plans. However, due to unforeseen unfortunate work obligations of Katie's, she is unable to go to the gym, hence: PLAN B IT IS! No, not the failed birth control option. The literal plan B.

So I'm psyched. In keeping with my current psychodalia, I also caught up on my sweet friend's blog and realized that I have a new nickname: Double C. It might not sound like much, but I've always been flattered by nicknames. My inner child feels validated that someone likes me enough to give me a pet name. She feels special, so I feel special.

I need to go home now. I may post something a bit more meaningful later, but I probably won't. Today is too awesome for blog-writing. :-)

By the way, Sanks sent me a link to this hilarious "sitcom" made by guerrilla actors/filmmakers in California and I'm posting it so you can enjoy it, too. I could say awesome again, but I think it will actually go without saying after you watch it. It would probably be more appropriate to say "eggcellent" anyway, at this point.

Charity :)

Verizon: Never Again!!!

I have been getting letters from Verizon begging me to upgrade my plan--the most recent was a few days ago and promised me a $30 credit on my next bill and no contract extension. I asked on their website via "Live Chat" if they had any information on it, since I was prescient enough to know the website was not a place to try to upgrade if I had anything out of the ordinary to do (this I learned from a previous experience with Verizon Wireless that I can't even go into right now. I don't have the energy or strength in my fingers for a story that long). No, he said, I would need to call customer service. He gave me the number.

Poor Tamra, who was unlucky enough to answer my call, walked me through the ways that my bill would change, and really ridiculous charges, etc. It was a much longer experience than it should have been, largely because my bill next month would be more expensive than my bill this month (if I hadn't gone over by about 400 minutes...) AND more expensive than the new plan, even. Poor Tamra. THAT was difficult to explain. Then I asked about the $30 credit.

"I don't have record that we mailed you a letter." Funny, since it had my phone number, name, and address on it. "Well, we outsource some of our marketing so it could be that they sent it. Was there another number on the letter?" Well, maybe, but it's at home now and I'm at work. "Well, you can call us back. We're open until 11 tonight." I don't want to upgrade without the $30 credit, Tamra, and I sure don't want to use my apparently precious minutes to call and be led through another conversational rope course about it. On a Friday night. "Well, I'm sorry-it's not that I don't believe you got the letter. You probably did. But there's no way I can give you a credit on your bill. It won't be approved."

You know what? Thanks for the vote of confidence, Tamra, but don't bother upgrading my plan. I'll just get a couple of tin cans and a rope.

today is going swimmingly!

This morning when I was on my way out the door (15 minutes late, as usual), I saw the package that had arrived yesterday that I assumed was for my upstairs neighbor, as I do not have packages delivered to my apartment (too much temptation for the crackheads, you see) and they apparently order online at least 4 days a week, since there always seems to be a package waiting for them on my porch (I know, very disheartening).

But the package had my name on it!

"What the heck could this be?" I wondered, since I never get packages delivered to my apartment.

I didn't recognize the sender, but thankfully the post office had already sliced through the top of it, perhaps to make sure it didn't have a bomb in it (thank you so much for your concern about my safety!), so I could see that it contained three thin letter-size paperback books.

"Hmm..." I wondered. I opened the package on the porch (like I said, I *never* get packages at home!) and...

My dissertation had arrived in printed form! Hooray! I wish I could paste a .gif of fireworks without looking like a douchebag, because that's what it felt like.

I've been on cloud 9 all day. Of course, I only read the epilogue and acknowledgements, and I've already found a typo, but who cares!? The cover says, "Graduation Date: 2009" which is last year! Not next week, not three years from now, but a previous date!

So while I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up, at least I have proof that 1) I have a PhD bitches, 2) I'm a good writer, and 3) I can construct a logical and innovative theory and back it up with data using appropriate methods of study.

Sweet.

sink or swim.

Well, hello there.

It has been forever, I guess. At least a few months, that is. Since then I've been doing my improv, working at making my job work, trying to scrape by paycheck to paycheck, so pretty much the same stuff I was doing before.

That's pretty much why I haven't updated the blog--I'm not really sure what the point is. I wish I could say I've been writing, but I haven't. I wish I could say I've been trying to find a faculty job, but I haven't been. I think at this point I am working on sustaining unsustainability as long as possible.

I know I need to get up and grab a hold of life. You know, grab the bull by its horns, step up to the plate and swing, sink or swim. It's just, it's so much easier to sink.

I don't think I'm sabotaging myself, or that I'm afraid of failing, and I'm really liking being called "the Doctor." I feel like I earned it.

But it's like, working on my dissertation was like being on a treadmill that was constantly going, going, going, and I always thought I wasn't going to make it, or just overwhelmed by fatigue. Now, the treadmill is off, so I'm just standing there. In an empty gym, staring at the walls.

I think I just don't know how to go after what I want. Maybe I never have. Gosh, how depressing, right?

In good news, I had a nice party this weekend, making Valentine's Day cards. It was a craft/tea party, so I went to Ikea and bought a tea set and tray. I've been wanting one for quite some time. It was a real treat to be able to use it. I also bought myself three bunches of flowers and combined it into a super bouquet. That's really the way to do it.

But you know me, when I go, I go big.

Ram Dass interviewing Thich Nhat Hanh

I'm currently watching Ram Dass: Fierce Grace. It's really amazing. And of course, I've loved Thich Nhat Hanh for some time. His work has really changed my life for the better.

Charity :-)

i love this song!

I posted an entry about Michelle's cat Marley on my other blog and Bob Marley came up on the YouTube. Ben used t hate Bob Marley - basically his argument was that he has become "imagey" to use Michelle's term (long story) - but the thing about that is that Ben pretty much hated everything. He was probably just going through a bad time, but maybe he just needed to listen to more Bob Marley. ;-)

good walk!

Once, a long time ago, I realized that the main reason I write in my journals is that I'm so upset and need to vent/"write things through." So it struck me that if I died, and someone was reading my journals, trying to remember the wonderful times with me, and how much they loved me, and how much I enriched their existence... they'd be inundated with entries about how bad my PMS is, and about how useless I am and how much my friends hate me, and how I have screwed up so much and so bad... It really kind of freaked me out. I know it's not best to imagine someone reading your journals after you die, since the whole point of journaling is that you're free to write what- and however you want. But anyway, so I'm trying to at least write more positive things, since in general I love my life, I don't even get really bad PMS, I am very helpful and productive at work, I've done tons of awesome things including earning a PhD, and all my friends love me, since that's kind of the definition of friendship...

So anyway, I walked to the grocery store today. It's a beautiful day! I passed by a house and a boy was lying in the front yard. When he saw me he played dead which was hilarious. Then while I was in the store, I was reminded of things I had forgotten, instead of the usual, i.e. me forgetting everything one thing at a time. Then the bagger got all my stuff into my one reusable bag, and everyone was very friendly.

As I walked home, I passed the boy again, who was actually practicing his baseball (shortstop) with his dad. AWESOME! I thought it was some sort of miracle thing that never actually happens, since the dad in people's stories is always too busy to play catch. They were having a great time, though, so I can see why the others are upset about missing it.

Then I saw my landlord and asked him about repainting my apartment for me and he totally is! And he even said I could pick out colors, and that he would take that crazy massively-chipping many-layered paint on the door OFF, and refinish the original door casings!

As if that wasn't enough, when I got home I checked my mail and I got a birthday card. With a check in it.

The other night, after improv, I went to the grocery store. I had been practicing a really cheerful, sweet character, so I wondered "Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to be in character as I walk through Kroger." By the time I got in the door, I didn't even need to be in character anymore. Being nice and being treated nicely was in itself enough to keep me feeling cheerful and happy without the character.

Sweet. Now if only my cat would quit peeing on my laundry.

Charity :-)

Carolina Beach Photos August 2009

So many pictures, so few subject matters...

Enjoy!
Charity :)

At Home in Asheboro August 2009

Mom, Seussie, Richard, and me.

Old Photos! (April 09)

I spoke with Sanks on the phone recently. I'm excited that he's coming back from India soon! In the meantime, it's awfully difficult to align convenient times to talk since India is 9.5 hours ahead of us.

Anyway, it reminded me that I hadn't posted these photos, which I found in my camera when I went to the beach. Oh, I guess I need to post those, too.

Charity :)