what's worse than a hangover?

please humor me. i would like to tell you about my day yesterday. don't worry, it won't take long.

i woke up at about 9 and got dressed. feeling groggy and unable to breathe, i went to school to get the prescription for allergy medication i had gotten from the doctor last week (see previous entry). i got to my office and realized that i had the prescription all along, but i figured it wasn't a total waste, since i could check my email (i don't have the internet at home). as i was doing so, i thought, maybe i should get some work done while i'm here, but since i couldn't figure out whether to drop my prescription off before or after i did all this work, i just left. and of course i didn't even have any email, since i had checked it at a friend's house late the night before.

anyway, i got my prescription filled on the way home and bought a thermometer. when i got home, i felt faint, so i called a friend i was supposed to hang out with and told her i was going to take a nap first and i'd call her afterwards. keep in mind that at this point it was only 11 am.

so, i took a nap and when i woke up at 12 felt even worse. i cancelled with my friend and went back to sleep. at 2 i called the friend i was supposed to hang out with that night and cancelled. i managed to heat up some soup and potatoes, then watched Punch Drunk Love (Paul Thomas Anderson, 2002), barely managing to stay awake. at 4:30 i popped some popcorn and started reading Art and Lies (Jeanette Winterson, 1994). i finished it at 8:30 and went to sleep, waking up every two hours to blow my nose until finally arising for good at 5:30. and of course, all night max was worried about me, which prompted her to repeatedly attempt to secure a resting place on my pillow. and of course, i'm allergic to cats.

allergies. grr.


this website has a lot of information on allergies.
and it's all in french, for an added challenge.

good news for today: they are shipping my camera!


mmmmm, yes, precious....

hanging over.

there's nothing worse than being at work with a hangover, in my opinion. ok, ok, you could have toothpicks stabbed down into your fingernails, so it's not the worst thing. but seriously, it does suck.


i think this is worth reposting, especially today.

i went to the star bar last night to see the bluejays, the cogburns, and rocket 350. we left before rocket 350 went on (i'm sorry i had to leave, y'all!) but had a great time up until that point. the bad time started this morning at 5:30 when i woke up, i guess because i've been waking up early for work. i went back to sleep but finally at 7:30 had to get up because i couldn't go without water any longer. once up, i made a yummy breakfast of home fries and orange juice, and then i took a shower. i fell asleep at 9 and my coffee was sitting on my dresser, cold, when i woke back up at 10:30.

basically, i have tons of work to do today and tomorrow but i haven't been able to do much of anything today. blegh. i went to the gym, though, so that was nice, although it didn't help my energy level now that the workout excitement has faded...

last night was really fun, though, aside from the leftovers: my hangover and my scratchy hurty throat (blegh! cigarettes bad!). i made a new friend, too, who wants to go to the clermont lounge on my birthday! yippee!!

1968 advertisement from their myspace profile:

you know, i'm bad (i'm bad bad, really really bad)...

high quality film-making, starring wesley snipes and directed by martin scorsese:



i love it! my friend zach won this tape on the radio when it first came out and my brother and i rode with his family in his mom's minivan to the radio station to pick it up. what excitement for a ten-year-old! almost as exciting as meeting the man himself... (which i never did, by the way)

and i guess no entry on michael jackson videos would be complete without vincent price. oh, michael. how i miss the old you. i used to love him!! i guess that's an unpopular thing to admit, but billie jean still makes me want to dance and i can't help but sing when i hear his older stuff. i saw moonwalker recently. yay! i mean, who still has that?! i had forgotten about all about it. one thing you can say for certain is that without him making all these videos, a lot of dancers are out of work! once my friend brought her thriller album cover to the Y after school (the record itself was too precious). we all crowded around it, pointing and giggling. that may have been the first time i coveted, come to think of it. anyway...



Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize yalls neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller
[AAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAHHAAHAAAAAA]

i want to go roller skating!!!!

(oh, and i ordered the camera....)

digital camera?

By the way, i'm going to invest in a digital camera. I guess it's time to move on into the 21st century: the one inhabited by wealthy, technologically up-to-date people, that is.

I've tentatively settled on the Fujifilm FinePix F30, which i settled on because it seems the most for the money. I want to be able to take pictures in low light, and it is definitely the best i've found for that in the price range. It's a little big (although our standards for big have definately changed; i used to have a phone in a bag for emergency use only that was so big i couldn't even carry it around with me) but it's still smaller than my current camera.

I'll be sad not to have an old-fashioned camera, but i guess i'll buy another one when i can afford a nice one. And perhaps a dark room; i do like the red lights...

Does anybody know anything about this sort of thing?

charity :)

choose your own adventure: dissertation or lupus?

i just took off the small bandages that kept my blood from leaking out of the tiny holes in my arms down to my wrists, although my feeling is that somehow my platelets alone would have eventually have managed to stem the tide.

they are sending my blood to a lab, again. to test me for lupus, again. this is why i can't stand western medicine: this is like an exact replay of events from 6 years ago, evidence of which is still filling my chart to the brim.

based on my experiences last time, i now expect to be shuttled around from doctor to doctor, each of whom will test me for different things ("is it syphilis? is it rocky moutnain spotted fever? is it ringworm?) because what i really have time and energy for at this point it more uncertainty. and what i really want is to be poked and prodded by people who can't heal me, but only facilitate my transformation into a medical freak. "hang on, let me get so-and-so; he's got to see this!!"

speaking of anxiety, my nurse also urged me to go to a psychiatrist, i guess because it's unusual to tear up when being tested for lupus. again.

i went in today because i've been having a cough, and for someone who smoked on and off for 10 years, this may be a concern. especially for someone whose mother recently was diagnosed with emphysema, despite her status as a lifelong NON-smoker.

so i took the pulmonary functions test but when the nurse was listening to my lungs she saw the rash. THE RASH, the curse of my existence. the simple allergic reaction to milk that seems to draw doctors in like flies to honey. "ooooh!!! let's get a biopsy!!!"

so, the good news is that i don't have emphysema or asthma, the bad news is that apparently i might have lupus, again. the nurse told me as i left, "don't worry, we've only begun our dance. we'll find out what's wrong."

and i'm thinking, well, i have the prescription for allergy medication you wrote me. i imagine that will stop the coughing. all the other "problems" are a direct result of your own imagination. furthermore, i don't want to dance with you. you smell like cigarette smoke, and there's no music.

i just hate the thought of starting all this again. i really do. it was so disempowering. and scary, and frustrating. i remember thinking, well, at least at the end of this i will know what is wrong with me, but here is it six years later and i'm starting the whole fucking thing all over again.

[sigh]

i told her, "you know, i've been really stressed out lately, and i think that's why i've been depressed," when she urged me to go to the psychiatrist. "i've been writing my dissertation, i moved, i broke up with someone, i've had a lot on my mind."

"yeah," she said. "a lot of people, when they're writing their dissertations, they want something like leukemia or emphysema, because in a way it's easier to deal with than finishing the dissertation."

absurd. and 100% true.

what makes a man, lebowski?

on getting older.

It’s not that I mind getting older. Really! It’s just that I can’t quite believe that I am. I think about how much time has passed since I began graduate school and I’m amazed. I think about all that’s happened; I think about the way things were before—the people I knew, the people I didn’t know, the status of my family, the things I liked doing, my state of mind—and I know I can never be like that again. I was 21, so young.

And now my brother is getting married, and I am amazed every time I talk to him because he is definitely a man. I still feel like a girl. And yet, he is almost 27 years old. In some circles, that’s an old age to get married. And I’ll be 29 in less than two months. I look in the mirror and I see wrinkles around my eyes. Pretty ones, I think, laugh lines. When I smile, they stretch down the sides of my face lazily, caressing the tops of my cheeks.

I always thought by now my life would be in order: I would be married, I would have kids, I would have a job, I would be doing something I loved, or at least something that pays the bills. And yet, here I am, 9:30 on a Tuesday morning, sitting in a computer lab, writing a blog entry before getting started working on a paper, like 18- to 21- year old college students everywhere.

I always thought my legacy would be my children; something of me to live on after I’m gone. At the very least, I thought my legacy would be the love I shared with another person. Now, I’m thinking… well, not that I’m unlovable per se, but I’m definitely difficult. I heard a Bjork song this morning, Cocoon. It’s one of my favorites (I recently made a playlist called “these are songs that make me feel” and all of them are my favorites. I really love it; I would put a track list but I know you don’t care, plus it’s 245 songs). She says:

Who would have known

That a boy like him

After sharing my core

Would stay going nowhere

And I guess what I’m trying to say is that after all of my experience dating, sleeping around, etc., I have determined that I am not going to find this person. At the most optimistic, I think it’s fair to say that I might not.

So then, what is to be my legacy? If I can’t rely on these things?

All I have is my work. In the Jeanette Winterson novel I’m reading (Art and Lies, 1994) she says “if all you’re doing is living, you can only die.” And what are the implications of this statement? For waiting around, for pursuing your dreams, for seeking happiness, for work?

All I really have for sure; the only legacy I can know I will leave is my work. So I have to keep working. I always felt so sorry for those people who all they had was their work, but sometimes it’s not your choice.

So I’ll continue to work.

The other day I was walking to my building from the parking deck and I noticed the holly type bushes were growing new leaves. They are lighter green than the older leaves, and the magical thing is, you can run your hand through without any pain or scratches. I felt the little points on the leaves as I ran my hand through the very top of the bushes. As the leaves get older, they will become tougher, and it will be impossible to get so close to them. The heart of the bush will be farther away and increasingly inaccessible. The leaves will soon be trimmed back, and cut off from their life sources, will lie dying on the sidewalk until the landscapers blow them away with their leaf blowers. Sad, I know, but it serves a purpose. The rotting leaves will make mulch for the soil, fertilizing it so more leaves can grow. Just not them.

I immediately thought to myself, this is like me. I am that bush. Impossible to get close to, destined only to be trimmed off, hoping only to fertilize the soil for the growth of others. So is that me, or what? Why do I feel like I am constantly on the outside looking in? Why is it that others seem to flourish and not me?

I watched Through a Glass Darkly (1961) last night. I was afraid to watch it because it’s an Ingmar Bergman film and I just watched the Seventh Seal (1957) and hated it. I felt at the end like I had been forced to watch Bergman’s existentialist search for meaning/wrestling match with Catholicism, which I found quite boring, although I’m sure it was a big deal in the 50s. Apparently Bergman said that the movie helped him overcome his fear of death, and I’m glad, but it didn’t do much for me. Through a Glass Darkly was awesome, though. It was about a woman who literally in the course of two days goes violently insane. She was home in her isolated home in northern Sweden after being institutionalized for an indeterminate time, and her dad comes home, a writer who has abandoned his family for his art (there’s also some really weird weirdness with her brother that thankfully did not resonate with my own experiences). Her husband, a doctor, loves her but basically has to watch as she willingly loses her grip on reality.

So why was it so awesome? First of all, the actress who played Karin was amazing. I mean, you have to see it to believe it. Like the little girl in The Exorcist (1973, also featuring Max von Sydow, incidentally), you just can’t believe she’s NOT actually going insane. The story, too, really appealed to me. I mean, everyone knew that what was driving Karin crazy wasn’t real; that her hallucinations were just that. The whole time, I was frustrated along with her family that she wouldn’t just “come to her senses” and snap out of it. At the same time, by the end of the film, like Karin, I felt that she had no other options. It was a very frustrating story and it really spoke to the way I’ve been feeling lately. I know I am making big deals out of nothing. I know that. I know that if I could just come to my senses, I would see how many people actually care about me, and how much I’ve got going for me. And I know, like Karin knew, that how I feel, which side I take, which reality I exist in, is a choice. I have only to make it.

So, pushed to the wall, forced to admit I am getting older and forced to make such decisions, I choose work. Work will be my legacy, and work will be my touchstone. I guess it’s either that or insanity. And frankly, I don’t have my family with me to make sure I get in that helicopter to the hospital, and I don’t have my husband with me to give me a sedative when I have a screaming fit about seeing God, who turns out to be a huge spider.

diamonds...

Emma Goldman said:
“I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck.”

Holly Golightly said:
"Of course, personally I think it would be tacky to wear diamonds before I am forty."

and yet...



charity ;)

something for your eardrum.

i just wanted to share this with you guys. this album is amazing. i'm not surprised. it's zion i, who's in with planet asia and rasco (cali agents), the grouch, babu, dilated peoples, the beat junkies, and all of that group. i've been trying to find the world famous beat junkies, mix tape volume 1, for like 5 years now. it has a bunch of these guys on it. anyway, i hope you enjoy it! feel free to send me your own recommendations...


Mind over Matter

charity :)

ps-if you don't want to register with napster to listen to it, you're on your own.

beverages.

last night i went out with a friend of mine. we had sour apple martinis.



ever since "the unfortunate incident of the martinis and fried pickles in the night-time" i experienced in the summer of 99, i rarely partake, for fear of reenacting some of the less-fun portions of that evening. however, last night was really pleasant. as i drove home at midnight, tired at the end of a long day, i thought to myself about the times in my past where i woulnd't even head out until 12. i mean, why go to the club before 12? no one got there until 1 anyway. it's weird to think about it. then i thought, yes, but back then i didn't get up for work at 5:30 like i did today, but i don't actually get up for work every day at 5:30, and back then i actually had to be at work at 7 most days, since i worked at the front desk of a hotel. maybe i'm just getting old. or boring.



working at the front desk of the hotel was an interesting job, made interesting by the people i worked with mostly. i'll have to write some stories about it someday. i actually enjoyed the work often enough. it was nice to give nice people nice rooms with nice views. and it was satisfying to give assholes the room next to the ice machine.



oh, plus we got discounted hotel rooms when we travelled. yes, good times. except for having to be there at 7. i finally switched to second shift because i just couldn't hack it. that was once i quit my job at the pizza place.

from: http://www.svcn.com/archives/sunnyvalesun/10.27.99/taste-9943.html

the pizza place also provided me with many stories. and a couple of scars.



i love stories.

i'm going back to work now. big deadline. i hope you're all well. i think i want some coffee.

another survey.

it is an addiction. i know it is.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
open.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
no. it's crap. i only use aveda.

3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
HA! wait, done what?

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
no, but my roommate in college found a speed limit 16 sign someone had stolen and then thrown away (i know, i know, INGRATE!) and so we had it, then our RA confiscated it because it was stolen property and threw it away again.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
i must. it's a compulsion.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
no, i used to save the big mailers full of restaurant coupons when i lived in decatur, though. i used a couple of them over the course of like 3 years total.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of a bees?
i would most rather be attacked by your mother.
like last night.

[please note that someone has taken it upon him- or herself to remove number 8]

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
yes, if you consider a smirk a smile.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
there is no way on earth to narrow this down to one. or even ten. please.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? as tucked in as possible, although somehow they always manage to come untucked. i toss and turn.

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
sometimes subconsciously, but when i realize i am doing it, i stop, because i don't actually care.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
please. have you ever been camping?

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
no, i don't think so.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
i want to, but i try not to, because i know it's really gross.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
omg. none. but it's friday!!! ;)

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
oh, i just realized what they meant by tins. no way, that shizz is nasty. i make mine fresh whenever i want it, with real butter.

18. What is your "song of the week"?
"mad misson" by patty griffin.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
i don't care what color people wear!

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
i watch jem and the holograms and ren and stimpy coz i have them on dvd. i would watch other ones, but only if i used to watch them when i was younger. the real-retro factor.

21. What's your favorite scary movie?
scary movie 2. or dawn of the dead (the romero one). i don't know. i don't watch them usually. i had a very bad experience with poltergeist (the movie) when i was 8. plus i thought ghosts were satan's angels and could hurt me, so that hasn't helped. hmm, exorcist was pretty good, actually.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
in a file folder in my living room. no one would ever find it. :)

23. What do you drink with dinner?
depends on the meal.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
i like the fake spicy ones, dipped in barbeque sauce and ketchup.

25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine?
too many to name. like pet peeves.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
too many to name. some are batman returns, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, now voyager, being john malkovich, and the big lebowski.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
someone who does not have a myspace account, thank god.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
yes, both. it's complicated.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
probably not.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
i wrote a bunch of thank you cards for people who helped me move coz they're the bomb-diggity.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
i *know* how to do it, but i've never *done* it.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yes. a very long time ago.

33. Ran out of gas?
no, thank goodness.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?:
a (fake) bacon, lettuce, and fresh-from-the-garden tomato sandwich. on ezekiel bread, with mayonnase. i know, i know, i hate mayonnaise. it's a thing.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
strawberries. i prefer waiting for brunch and really pigging out on hash browns, pancakes, eggs, and fake sausage. i think i eat too much fake meat.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
i haven't had a bedtime since high school. (my dad and stepdad were real reactionaries, like the malibu chief of police)

37. Are you lazy?
often, but i hate myself for it in the morning.

38. When you were a kid, what were you for Halloween?
usually a witch.

[notice anything missing here?? DO YA??]

40. How many languages can you speak?
one well. i also speak a little spanish but my comprehension is really bad, so i can't really have conversations, i can just ask for things.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
hmm, yoga journal, our state (about north carolina), mother jones (i haven't paid for it; they keep sending it). i think that's it.

42..Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
legos, since i never played with lincoln logs. maybe once.

43. Are you stubborn?
incredibly.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
letterman, i guess, but i haven't watched it in a while.

45. Ever watch soap operas?
no.

46. Afraid of heights?
yes.

47. Sing in the car?
yes. loudly.

48. Dance in the shower?
no.

49. Dance in the car?
uh, no.

50. Ever used a gun?
yes. i didn't like it. i won't do it again. it was just a bb gun, too.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
when i went to chattanooga with my ex we got those old-timey portraits made. i guess it depends on how you define "photographer."

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
not inherently. have you seen dancer in the dark?

53. Is Christmas stressful?
yes, but i LOVE IT. the christmas season is a nightmare, but christmas day with my family makes it all worthwhile.

54. Ever eat a pierogie?
once.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
apple. although i really get in the mood for cherry pie sometimes.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
actor, teacher, astronaut, queen, president, lawyer, musician. one out of seven isn't bad, i guess. :)

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
kind-of. i no longer believe they are satan's angels, though.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
didn't you just ask me that?

59. Take a vitamin daily?
i can't remember. i'm too senile.

60. Wear slippers?
yes, it's very hard for me to get the right pair. i have one that is currently sufficing, but i'm in the market for a better pair.

61. Wear a bath robe?
not usually. i love living alone. :)

62. What do you wear to bed?
i usually sleep in a nightie.

63. First concert?
the indigo girls. with stacie, who is on myspace! hi stacie!

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
target, although i'd rather avoid all three if possible.

65. Nike or Adidas?
adidas.

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
doritos.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
dry roasted peanuts!!

68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
yes. it's trail mix, with nuts, dried fruit, and m & m's. we used to make it in girl scouts. see, polyester, you should have made time for girl scouts.

69. Ever take dance lessons?
yes, i took ballet until i got tired of the teacher telling me to pull in my fat butt, then i took modern until i got tired of hopping across the room to the tune of "ghostbusters" by ray parker junior, doing that thing where you pull your two fingers across your eyes, like they did in pulp fiction. see, i only wanted to be a dancer because of the accessories. i can do interpretive dance on my own, homie! i don't need lessons!

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
i actually can't picture my future spouse, so this question means nothing to me.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
yes.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
no. i never participated in one. too stressful.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yes.

74. Own any record albums?
no.

75. Own a record player?
no.

76. Regularly burn incense?
no.

77. Ever been in love?
unfortunately.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
patty griffin, the magnetic fields. i wish i could have seen ella fitzgerald, sam cooke, and the squirrel nut zippers.

79. What was your last concert you saw?
geez, i think it was mark kozelek, forever ago. could it be? i'm going to see sufjan stevens in a few months.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
hot tea in the fall, winter, and sprin. cold (SWEET) tea in the spring and summer.

81.Tea or coffee?
coffee, although i have repeatedly tried to break myself of my coffee addiction.

82. Favorite kind of cookie?
oatmeal molasses chocolate chip cookies.

83.Can you swim well?
well enough.

84.Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
yes.

85. Are you patient?
god, no.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
i don't care, it's not my wedding.

87. Ever won a contest?
not that i remember.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
no.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
black olives.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
i knit myself a scarf, but i haven't knit anything since then.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
i don't really like fireplaces. i know, it's weird. i have a nice one in my living room, though.

92. Do you want to get married?
i don't know.

93. If married, how long have you been married?
four years. just kidding. obviously.

94. Who was your HS crush?
you know, i don't even feel like saying. besides, there were several. ok, many.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
i cry, but it's involuntary, and i never throw a fit to get my way. well, maybe a little...

96. Do you have kids?
i have two cats.

97. Do you want kids?
yes, but i do love my cats.

98. What's your favorite color?
black and blue. it's a tie. and a rolling stones album.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
i miss my family, and nikki.

100. Who do you wanna see right now?
i'm looking forward to going out tonight with a friend of mine.

there's a thin line between funny and horrifying, isn't there?

Open iTunes/turn on your iPod.
1.) Put your songs on shuffle.
2.) Press forward for each question.
3.) Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4.) NO CHEATING!

1.) How am I feeling today? Seven Swans (Sufjan Stevens)

2.) Where will I get married? Take On Me (A-Ha)

3.)Whats my best friends theme song? It's a Great Day to be Alive (Travis Tritt)

4.) What is/was highschool like? My Life is a Succession of People Saying Goodbye (Morrissey)

5.) What is the best thing about me? Come On! Feel the Illinoise! (Sufjan Stevens) (not sure i get this one)

6.) How is today going to be? Crimson and Clover (Tommy James and the Shondells)

7.) What is in store for this week? The Well-Tempered Clavier (performed by the Swingle Singers)

8.) What song describes my parents? Rape Me (Richard Cheese version) (this one definitely makes me want to delete this email and pretend it never happened)

9.) How is my life going? Don't Cry (Guns N'Roses) (well, of course, see above)

10.) What song will they play at my funeral? Broken-Hearted Savior (Big Head Todd and the Monsters)

11.) How does the world seem to me? I Melt (Rascal Flatts)

12.) What do my friends really think of me? You're My Only Home (The Magnetic Fields)

13) Do people secretly like me? Cancer of Everything (Lisa Germano) (wow this one is really killing me today)

14.) How can I make myself happy? Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Wang Chung) (yeah, drink myself into an early grave; seems my only hope)

15.) What should I do with my life? Very Funny (The Magnetic Fields) (i swear i'm not making this up)

17.) What is some good advice? The Marriage of Figaro (Mozart) (again, wtf?)

18.) What do I think my current theme song is? Insane in the Brain (Richard Cheese version)

19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song is? I Ran (So Far Away) (A Flock of Seagulls)

20.) What type of men/women do you like? Help Me (Timo Maas ft. Kelis)

21.) Will you get married?: Time Enough for Rocking When We're Old (The Magnetic Fields)

22.) What should I do with my love life? Wi' Nee Wee Bairn Ye'll Me Beget (The Magnetic Fields)

23.) Where will you live? Parachutes/Funeral Song (Mates of State)

24.) What will your dying words be? Metal Heart (Cat Power)

a picture from las vegas.

nikki and me in las vegas.
note my favorite t-shirt, which i am wearing in almost all photos of myself.
it was given to me by my future sister-in-law.
note also my tongue, which is sneaky and has a mind of its own.

fast, fast. slow. slow.

when i was little i used to stay with my grandma (dad's mom) a lot. she had a little boombox that she kept on 104 WTQR, the country music station at that time in greensboro, so when she wasn't listening to elvis, we listened to country. i used to hate it, except when they played old time country, which was her favorite, too: johnny cash, bob wills, patsy cline. then when i grew up i realized that as much as i tried to run from it, country music was in my blood so to speak, even pop-country. even still, i rarely listen to it. that's one reason i loved two-stepping at hoe-downs: the music, the gliding around the dance floor, the losing weight and toning my legs, the boots and cowboy hats. i think my favorite song for two-stepping is shania twain "i'm jealous" [sigh]. whenever it would come on, i would grab whomever i was with and drag them onto the floor.

my mom came to visit for her birthday last year and we went to see ralph stanley (talk about old-time country...) and the sacred harp singers (see below) and then went two-stepping. i will never forget watching her glide around the dance floor with my flamboyant dance instructor. she told me about two-stepping with her father, who is from texas. i could not remember ever seeing my mom that happy. we have a karaoke machine and i remember my mom singing "man, i feel like a woman" in her nightgown last time i went home, laughing and dancing and snapping her fingers.

yesterday i found this rascal flatts song, which is a huge hit for them (i always think it's funny, since i never listen to the radio, that there are such wildly popular songs out there that i don't know at all) and the video made me cry. since i've been feeling depressed lately, i thought it reflected my mood better than the k-fed/britney entry from the other day, although i'm going to leave that posted since they make me laugh. but, there is something to say for a good cry every once in a while, i guess.

charity :)



"what hurts the most" by rascal flatts

and since i can't find "i'm jealous..."



"that don't impress me much" by shania twain



sacred harp singing AKA shape note singing, a southern gospel tradition

a perfect pair.

this is so funny. i keep watching it and it makes me LAUGH! i posted it on my page too, as you may have noticed. oh, k-fed. how i love you. and yet, not at all.




sigh. it is wrong. that i know. at least i'm upfront about my shit.

charity :)

is it wrong to love las vegas so?

When the clouds cleared and the plane completed its final descent into Atlanta my eyes teared up. I couldn't even see the houses and buildings for all the smog. I called my mom from the plane to let her know i landed ok, but had to cut my message short. I called Nikki to let her know I landed ok, but had to cut short our conversation. Talking about Atlanta was too disturbing.

When I walked out to the taxi stand at the airport, I noticed the difficulty of holding my shoulders straight, even after setting my bags down on the dingy sidewalk, in line with a bunch of yuppy businesspeople and watched by sullen minimum wage workers. I took deep breaths and thought about Vegas. The humidity here is suffocating me and so is graduate school.



the beautiful waters of the bellagio.

Nikki called and gave me some good advice, that she said was silly: god is smarter than me. I get so anxious, but how am i supposed to be able to control everything? I am seemingly incapable of just chilling the fuck out and letting it ride. I mean, how much worse would it be if i actually was responsible for everything in the world running smoothly? It's not my job. My job is to do the best i can with what I am given. So, ok.

Then my mom called and said pretty much the same thing, along with something like "and Nikki is a good person to learn from." Basically she was saying that we learn from pain, and I am in pain, and Nikki has been in pain, and I need to figure out how to get out of that. Then, I will be a better person because of the troubles I have experienced. I will be able to relate to people and even if I don't understand things, I have to have faith that it will get better. "What if it never does, though, Mom? What if this is as good as it gets?" She just told me it will get better. We agreed, you never know what is around the corner.

I guess, even if it doesn't get any better, it's still not for me to decide. I don't like giving up that power, or admitting that the power i think i have is an illusion. Mom said people come through her program every week (she is an executive leadership trainer) who are realizing all this, and maybe it's good that I'm going through it all now. So, basically, my mom told me I'm having the mid-life crisis that affects all rich white men in their 50s. Great. I almost wish I could have waited, as bizarre as that sounds, just so I could have all this other shit handled already. Although, if i had taken that social work job out of college and realized at 40 that I wanted to go to grad school, I would be pretty upset. Plus, I'd have house payments to make and kids to deal with. I don't know. I just don't know. Nikki says we think too much. She's probably right.

But my Mom and i did talk about Austin, and Mom is going to go with me. We're going to try to see a taping of Austin City Limits, although the process for getting tickets is a bit unpromising. It would be best if we could go to the Austin Music Festival, but that's in September (yes, right after my birthday, when I will be one year closer to retiring from a job I'm not yet qualified for) and I'm not sure we'll be able to pull it together in time. Plus she wants to go in the winter. I'll just be happy to leave Atlanta again, if only for a weekend.

in the meantime...





"Con Te Partiro (Time to Say Goodbye)"
performed by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli

really? the lone star state?

one year from now.



now i just need a job...

charity :)

toby's quiz by way of felicia.

LAST
1. friend you saw: nikki
2. Talked to on the phone: nikki
3. Text: mauricio
4. person messaged over myspace: i think alison

1. Wearing: tank top and jean skirt
2. Better than yesterday? i'm at school in atlanta and yesterday i was at nikki's in las vegas, so everything is worse; nothing is better

t o m o r r o w
1. Is: wednesday
2. Got any plans: work. i'll try to make it a day without crying. don't think i will be able to do so.
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: i'm in atlanta sans nikki

f a v o r i t e
1. Number: 13
2. color: navy blue i think. i may be starting to get tired of it.
3. Season: spring except for my allergies.

c u r r e n t l y
1. Missing someone: nikki, and laroyce since they live together. my mom and stepdad.
2. Mood: depressed
3. Wanting: to not be depressed

Qs & As
Q: First thing you did this morning:
A: fought back tears and cursed the town of atlanta and its disgustingly oppressive humidity

Q: Last thing you ate:
A: i'm drinking a latte. last night i had a slice of pizza and a salad at fellini's, which is less than a block from my new apartment.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?:
A: i've lost my passion in life. i feel like i'm wasting my life but don't know how to fix it. you asked.

Q: What's annoying you right now?
A: the fact that i am stuck in atlanta for one more year

Q: What's the last movie you saw?:
A: shanghai noon last night. i have a leonard cohen documentary and callas forever waiting for me at home though and am very excited.

Q: Do you believe in long distance relationships?:
A: i believe they exist but i have difficulty maintaining them. of course, here i'm referring to friendships, since the possibility of a long distance romantic relationship is unimaginable to me. my closest friend lives all the way across the country though, so i know those can work.

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now:
A: yes, and it's not who you think.

Q: Do you think that a person is thinking of you too?
A: no

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: i went to starbucks, the evil villian, to get my latte fix. i couldn't face the coffee making routine this morning at my apartment because my coffee maker is currently on the floor until i buy a table for it and they were doing very loud work on the house that was making me feel crazy.

Q: Do you look like your mom or dad?:
A: i wish i looked like my mom, but i think i look like the mailman. except i got my dad's smirk. thanks, daddy.

Q: Do you have any siblings?:
A: two younger brothers with whom i am close and two older stepsisters with whom i am not

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: i don't know. when i have something to smile about i guess

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: yes

Q: Are you a friendly person?:
A: i'm pretty moody. sometimes i am very friendly (especially when i've been drinking) but usually i'm introverted and evasive.

Q: Whose bed did you sleep in last night?:
A: my own

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?:
A: periwinkle, and it ties in the back. it's incredibly lame, but it has a shelf bra, so that's nice.

Q: What were you doing at 12 last night?:
A: trying to sleep unsuccessfully, realizing that jet lag does indeed affect even me.

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?:
A: too long ago. i can't remember when. maybe christmas

Q: Do you have more guy or girl friends?
A: define "friend"

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: when i read nikki's comment on my page

Q: Do you get angry easily?
A: i get irritated very easily, and when i do get angry i get really rude apparently.

Q: What was your last thought before you went to sleep last night??
A: something about "hang on, charity, you only have one more year here..."

Q: Take any vitamins?
A: no, i can't remember them

Q: What are you about to do?
A: i've been looking up relocating to austin tx on the internet, dreaming of next summer

Q: Do you ever check your phone, waiting for someone to call?
A: is this something that most people do not do?

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10.
A: no

Q: Would you say that most people who first meet you like you?
A: often, but then when they get to know me is when they stop.

here's a piece of advice: don't fill out surveys when you're really depressed.

still in las vegas...

and viva it!

the weather has been nice. rain we've had for the past few days has really cooled the temperature. although, nikki and i sat inside all day watching fellowship of the ring and eating leftovers, so we didn't really notice. yesterday we watched castaway and the ice age. i was surprised at how much i enjoyed castaway and--i'm only telling you guys this because i trust you and you are in the inner circle of love in my life--i cried like 6 times. at one point i went over the the kitchen (i couldn't leave long enough to go to the bathroom) and tore a paper towel off the roll and then in half. i gave the other half to nikki and blew my nose. ridiculous i know. but that movie was really good. i even liked old pencil neck tom hanks after that one. at the end of the movie i actually found myself attracted to him. that was embarassing.

then we went out to the strip, which was predicatably exciting. we went to fremont street, the "old-town vegas" or what have you. we settled in at the golden gate casino where i lost $2.00 in nickel poker and $13.00 in what went by the name "salmon dinner" (only the baked potato was any good). at least my vodka and ginger was delicious, as only a vodka and ginger can be. the waitress recommended a great place to get chicken-fried steak, lowering her voice as she admitted going there when she got off work.

we walked down to an irish country and western bar, where a friend of a friend of a friend was playing drums in his dad's band. they were really great. his dad's guitar had a mother-of-pearl inlay in the shape of texas, and when he sang "marguaritaville" he said, "and i know, it's all charity's fault," to which the small crowd of us cheered and whistled.

we drove back down the strip on the way home and made plans to come back saturday and really do the touristy things: ride a doubledecker purple bus, watch the water show at the bellagio, wander through the elaborately ornate casinos, and visit the world's largest souvenir shop: i need some velvet elvis.

tonight we are going to first fridays, something in the art district that promises to be an adventure. afterwards we are going to a bar to meet some friends.

and who knows, maybe i'll make a detour to visit one of the world famous chapels of love/bells/flowers/romance if things go really well...

charity :)

i finally made it to las vegas.

i am in las vegas at last. i like it. it's completely manufactured, just like they say. i saw the grand canyon flying in. even from the plane it was huge.

i love Nikki, who can force me forcelessly after five long years to finally take a trip by myself all the way across the country to visit her in her small house that looks like all the other small houses in her neighborhood. her backyard is full of rocks. the sky here is bigger than any i've seen in some time. the mountains are like ginormous rocks.

we played scattergories earlier and i realized that somewhere along the way my vocabulary went to shit. we are getting ready to go swimming. i am having a great time. her puppy named puppy is the sweetest little thing. when you talk to her she jumps up in the air like a circus dog.

i'm happy to be here.

charity :)

ps-and my new apartment is GREAT! let me know if you need the new address!