Yesterday I was driving home from my massage and I got stuck behind such a jerk. Those of you who have ever ridden in a car with me already know only too well that my most serious personality problems tend to manifest themselves when I'm behind the wheel of the car: impatience, irritability, externalization of anger, need for control, rampant use of foul language, etc. Those of you who have not ridden with me probably just made the decision never to do so, and I understand.
So when I got behind this jerk of a driver who had the nerve to go the speed limit on Briarcliff (UGH!), even the beautiful day with the bright sunshine and warm breeze and new flowers, and even the tape I was listening to of all my favorite sexy songs from a few years ago, and even my new Bust magazine with a picture of Gretchen Moll as Bettie Page on the cover, and even the fact that I had just received an amazing massage couldn't prevent my blood pressure from beginning its quick, predictable, and powerful ascent.
At that moment, though, I heard the lyrics Amy Ray was singing to the Neil Young song "Down By The River." She said, This much madness is too much sorrow, baby and I actually had to stop the tape, rewind it, and listen again (the CD player in my car is currently broken). Sure enough, that's exactly what she was saying. And I thought back to all the Buddhist writings I've read on anger. The only result of my anger in this situation, I realized, is increased frustration and upset for me. All my blood boiling, cursing, and teeth grinding were not going to change the fact that I was stuck behind this slow mover. So, I realized that while I could not control the situation in which I found myself, I could control the way I reacted to it. I could control the effects the situation had on me.
So I took a deep breath and let go of my anger. And I actually was happy to be stuck behind this moron, bless his heart. HE was doing his best, it just sucked (ok, so i couldn't let go of all my irritation). We were on a hill at the time, so the car inevitably slowed even more. So I tried again, and it worked again.
Now, how about that? The only reason I can't let go of anger in all situations like this is pure stubbornness. Those of you who know me may not know how stubborn I actually am. PSYCH. Of course you do. And I realized that sometimes I would rather continue to be upset by something, even when I know I can let it go, simply to prove that it is indeed something worth complaining about. But who am I trying to prove that to?
Happiness or contentment is optional. If you have a million dollars and all your wildest dreams come true, you'll just have wilder dreams tomorrow. And it will rain in paradise. And something you spend a lot of money on will break. The trick is seeing the beauty in the unexpected, and the funny in the fucked.
I'm one of the worst about seeing the worst in things (haha). I think that is the part of myself that irritates me the most. But you know what? I can change that! Coz that's a choice, too.
xoxox
charity :)
ps-i'm getting ready to go to the carnival!!! yeah, funnel cakes and ferris wheels!!!
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