hanging over.

there's nothing worse than being at work with a hangover, in my opinion. ok, ok, you could have toothpicks stabbed down into your fingernails, so it's not the worst thing. but seriously, it does suck.


i think this is worth reposting, especially today.

i went to the star bar last night to see the bluejays, the cogburns, and rocket 350. we left before rocket 350 went on (i'm sorry i had to leave, y'all!) but had a great time up until that point. the bad time started this morning at 5:30 when i woke up, i guess because i've been waking up early for work. i went back to sleep but finally at 7:30 had to get up because i couldn't go without water any longer. once up, i made a yummy breakfast of home fries and orange juice, and then i took a shower. i fell asleep at 9 and my coffee was sitting on my dresser, cold, when i woke back up at 10:30.

basically, i have tons of work to do today and tomorrow but i haven't been able to do much of anything today. blegh. i went to the gym, though, so that was nice, although it didn't help my energy level now that the workout excitement has faded...

last night was really fun, though, aside from the leftovers: my hangover and my scratchy hurty throat (blegh! cigarettes bad!). i made a new friend, too, who wants to go to the clermont lounge on my birthday! yippee!!

1968 advertisement from their myspace profile:

you know, i'm bad (i'm bad bad, really really bad)...

high quality film-making, starring wesley snipes and directed by martin scorsese:



i love it! my friend zach won this tape on the radio when it first came out and my brother and i rode with his family in his mom's minivan to the radio station to pick it up. what excitement for a ten-year-old! almost as exciting as meeting the man himself... (which i never did, by the way)

and i guess no entry on michael jackson videos would be complete without vincent price. oh, michael. how i miss the old you. i used to love him!! i guess that's an unpopular thing to admit, but billie jean still makes me want to dance and i can't help but sing when i hear his older stuff. i saw moonwalker recently. yay! i mean, who still has that?! i had forgotten about all about it. one thing you can say for certain is that without him making all these videos, a lot of dancers are out of work! once my friend brought her thriller album cover to the Y after school (the record itself was too precious). we all crowded around it, pointing and giggling. that may have been the first time i coveted, come to think of it. anyway...



Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Creatures crawl in search of blood
To terrorize yalls neighbourhood
And whosoever shall be found
Without the soul for getting down
Must stand and face the hounds of hell
And rot inside a corpses shell
The foulest stench is in the air
The funk of forty thousand years
And grizzy ghouls from every tomb
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil of the thriller
[AAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAHHAAHAAAAAA]

i want to go roller skating!!!!

(oh, and i ordered the camera....)

digital camera?

By the way, i'm going to invest in a digital camera. I guess it's time to move on into the 21st century: the one inhabited by wealthy, technologically up-to-date people, that is.

I've tentatively settled on the Fujifilm FinePix F30, which i settled on because it seems the most for the money. I want to be able to take pictures in low light, and it is definitely the best i've found for that in the price range. It's a little big (although our standards for big have definately changed; i used to have a phone in a bag for emergency use only that was so big i couldn't even carry it around with me) but it's still smaller than my current camera.

I'll be sad not to have an old-fashioned camera, but i guess i'll buy another one when i can afford a nice one. And perhaps a dark room; i do like the red lights...

Does anybody know anything about this sort of thing?

charity :)

choose your own adventure: dissertation or lupus?

i just took off the small bandages that kept my blood from leaking out of the tiny holes in my arms down to my wrists, although my feeling is that somehow my platelets alone would have eventually have managed to stem the tide.

they are sending my blood to a lab, again. to test me for lupus, again. this is why i can't stand western medicine: this is like an exact replay of events from 6 years ago, evidence of which is still filling my chart to the brim.

based on my experiences last time, i now expect to be shuttled around from doctor to doctor, each of whom will test me for different things ("is it syphilis? is it rocky moutnain spotted fever? is it ringworm?) because what i really have time and energy for at this point it more uncertainty. and what i really want is to be poked and prodded by people who can't heal me, but only facilitate my transformation into a medical freak. "hang on, let me get so-and-so; he's got to see this!!"

speaking of anxiety, my nurse also urged me to go to a psychiatrist, i guess because it's unusual to tear up when being tested for lupus. again.

i went in today because i've been having a cough, and for someone who smoked on and off for 10 years, this may be a concern. especially for someone whose mother recently was diagnosed with emphysema, despite her status as a lifelong NON-smoker.

so i took the pulmonary functions test but when the nurse was listening to my lungs she saw the rash. THE RASH, the curse of my existence. the simple allergic reaction to milk that seems to draw doctors in like flies to honey. "ooooh!!! let's get a biopsy!!!"

so, the good news is that i don't have emphysema or asthma, the bad news is that apparently i might have lupus, again. the nurse told me as i left, "don't worry, we've only begun our dance. we'll find out what's wrong."

and i'm thinking, well, i have the prescription for allergy medication you wrote me. i imagine that will stop the coughing. all the other "problems" are a direct result of your own imagination. furthermore, i don't want to dance with you. you smell like cigarette smoke, and there's no music.

i just hate the thought of starting all this again. i really do. it was so disempowering. and scary, and frustrating. i remember thinking, well, at least at the end of this i will know what is wrong with me, but here is it six years later and i'm starting the whole fucking thing all over again.

[sigh]

i told her, "you know, i've been really stressed out lately, and i think that's why i've been depressed," when she urged me to go to the psychiatrist. "i've been writing my dissertation, i moved, i broke up with someone, i've had a lot on my mind."

"yeah," she said. "a lot of people, when they're writing their dissertations, they want something like leukemia or emphysema, because in a way it's easier to deal with than finishing the dissertation."

absurd. and 100% true.

what makes a man, lebowski?

on getting older.

It’s not that I mind getting older. Really! It’s just that I can’t quite believe that I am. I think about how much time has passed since I began graduate school and I’m amazed. I think about all that’s happened; I think about the way things were before—the people I knew, the people I didn’t know, the status of my family, the things I liked doing, my state of mind—and I know I can never be like that again. I was 21, so young.

And now my brother is getting married, and I am amazed every time I talk to him because he is definitely a man. I still feel like a girl. And yet, he is almost 27 years old. In some circles, that’s an old age to get married. And I’ll be 29 in less than two months. I look in the mirror and I see wrinkles around my eyes. Pretty ones, I think, laugh lines. When I smile, they stretch down the sides of my face lazily, caressing the tops of my cheeks.

I always thought by now my life would be in order: I would be married, I would have kids, I would have a job, I would be doing something I loved, or at least something that pays the bills. And yet, here I am, 9:30 on a Tuesday morning, sitting in a computer lab, writing a blog entry before getting started working on a paper, like 18- to 21- year old college students everywhere.

I always thought my legacy would be my children; something of me to live on after I’m gone. At the very least, I thought my legacy would be the love I shared with another person. Now, I’m thinking… well, not that I’m unlovable per se, but I’m definitely difficult. I heard a Bjork song this morning, Cocoon. It’s one of my favorites (I recently made a playlist called “these are songs that make me feel” and all of them are my favorites. I really love it; I would put a track list but I know you don’t care, plus it’s 245 songs). She says:

Who would have known

That a boy like him

After sharing my core

Would stay going nowhere

And I guess what I’m trying to say is that after all of my experience dating, sleeping around, etc., I have determined that I am not going to find this person. At the most optimistic, I think it’s fair to say that I might not.

So then, what is to be my legacy? If I can’t rely on these things?

All I have is my work. In the Jeanette Winterson novel I’m reading (Art and Lies, 1994) she says “if all you’re doing is living, you can only die.” And what are the implications of this statement? For waiting around, for pursuing your dreams, for seeking happiness, for work?

All I really have for sure; the only legacy I can know I will leave is my work. So I have to keep working. I always felt so sorry for those people who all they had was their work, but sometimes it’s not your choice.

So I’ll continue to work.

The other day I was walking to my building from the parking deck and I noticed the holly type bushes were growing new leaves. They are lighter green than the older leaves, and the magical thing is, you can run your hand through without any pain or scratches. I felt the little points on the leaves as I ran my hand through the very top of the bushes. As the leaves get older, they will become tougher, and it will be impossible to get so close to them. The heart of the bush will be farther away and increasingly inaccessible. The leaves will soon be trimmed back, and cut off from their life sources, will lie dying on the sidewalk until the landscapers blow them away with their leaf blowers. Sad, I know, but it serves a purpose. The rotting leaves will make mulch for the soil, fertilizing it so more leaves can grow. Just not them.

I immediately thought to myself, this is like me. I am that bush. Impossible to get close to, destined only to be trimmed off, hoping only to fertilize the soil for the growth of others. So is that me, or what? Why do I feel like I am constantly on the outside looking in? Why is it that others seem to flourish and not me?

I watched Through a Glass Darkly (1961) last night. I was afraid to watch it because it’s an Ingmar Bergman film and I just watched the Seventh Seal (1957) and hated it. I felt at the end like I had been forced to watch Bergman’s existentialist search for meaning/wrestling match with Catholicism, which I found quite boring, although I’m sure it was a big deal in the 50s. Apparently Bergman said that the movie helped him overcome his fear of death, and I’m glad, but it didn’t do much for me. Through a Glass Darkly was awesome, though. It was about a woman who literally in the course of two days goes violently insane. She was home in her isolated home in northern Sweden after being institutionalized for an indeterminate time, and her dad comes home, a writer who has abandoned his family for his art (there’s also some really weird weirdness with her brother that thankfully did not resonate with my own experiences). Her husband, a doctor, loves her but basically has to watch as she willingly loses her grip on reality.

So why was it so awesome? First of all, the actress who played Karin was amazing. I mean, you have to see it to believe it. Like the little girl in The Exorcist (1973, also featuring Max von Sydow, incidentally), you just can’t believe she’s NOT actually going insane. The story, too, really appealed to me. I mean, everyone knew that what was driving Karin crazy wasn’t real; that her hallucinations were just that. The whole time, I was frustrated along with her family that she wouldn’t just “come to her senses” and snap out of it. At the same time, by the end of the film, like Karin, I felt that she had no other options. It was a very frustrating story and it really spoke to the way I’ve been feeling lately. I know I am making big deals out of nothing. I know that. I know that if I could just come to my senses, I would see how many people actually care about me, and how much I’ve got going for me. And I know, like Karin knew, that how I feel, which side I take, which reality I exist in, is a choice. I have only to make it.

So, pushed to the wall, forced to admit I am getting older and forced to make such decisions, I choose work. Work will be my legacy, and work will be my touchstone. I guess it’s either that or insanity. And frankly, I don’t have my family with me to make sure I get in that helicopter to the hospital, and I don’t have my husband with me to give me a sedative when I have a screaming fit about seeing God, who turns out to be a huge spider.

diamonds...

Emma Goldman said:
“I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck.”

Holly Golightly said:
"Of course, personally I think it would be tacky to wear diamonds before I am forty."

and yet...



charity ;)

something for your eardrum.

i just wanted to share this with you guys. this album is amazing. i'm not surprised. it's zion i, who's in with planet asia and rasco (cali agents), the grouch, babu, dilated peoples, the beat junkies, and all of that group. i've been trying to find the world famous beat junkies, mix tape volume 1, for like 5 years now. it has a bunch of these guys on it. anyway, i hope you enjoy it! feel free to send me your own recommendations...


Mind over Matter

charity :)

ps-if you don't want to register with napster to listen to it, you're on your own.

beverages.

last night i went out with a friend of mine. we had sour apple martinis.



ever since "the unfortunate incident of the martinis and fried pickles in the night-time" i experienced in the summer of 99, i rarely partake, for fear of reenacting some of the less-fun portions of that evening. however, last night was really pleasant. as i drove home at midnight, tired at the end of a long day, i thought to myself about the times in my past where i woulnd't even head out until 12. i mean, why go to the club before 12? no one got there until 1 anyway. it's weird to think about it. then i thought, yes, but back then i didn't get up for work at 5:30 like i did today, but i don't actually get up for work every day at 5:30, and back then i actually had to be at work at 7 most days, since i worked at the front desk of a hotel. maybe i'm just getting old. or boring.



working at the front desk of the hotel was an interesting job, made interesting by the people i worked with mostly. i'll have to write some stories about it someday. i actually enjoyed the work often enough. it was nice to give nice people nice rooms with nice views. and it was satisfying to give assholes the room next to the ice machine.



oh, plus we got discounted hotel rooms when we travelled. yes, good times. except for having to be there at 7. i finally switched to second shift because i just couldn't hack it. that was once i quit my job at the pizza place.

from: http://www.svcn.com/archives/sunnyvalesun/10.27.99/taste-9943.html

the pizza place also provided me with many stories. and a couple of scars.



i love stories.

i'm going back to work now. big deadline. i hope you're all well. i think i want some coffee.

another survey.

it is an addiction. i know it is.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
open.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
no. it's crap. i only use aveda.

3. Have you ever 'done it' in a hotel room?
HA! wait, done what?

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
no, but my roommate in college found a speed limit 16 sign someone had stolen and then thrown away (i know, i know, INGRATE!) and so we had it, then our RA confiscated it because it was stolen property and threw it away again.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
i must. it's a compulsion.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
no, i used to save the big mailers full of restaurant coupons when i lived in decatur, though. i used a couple of them over the course of like 3 years total.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of a bees?
i would most rather be attacked by your mother.
like last night.

[please note that someone has taken it upon him- or herself to remove number 8]

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
yes, if you consider a smirk a smile.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
there is no way on earth to narrow this down to one. or even ten. please.

11. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? as tucked in as possible, although somehow they always manage to come untucked. i toss and turn.

12. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
sometimes subconsciously, but when i realize i am doing it, i stop, because i don't actually care.

13. Have you ever peed in the woods?
please. have you ever been camping?

14. Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?
no, i don't think so.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
i want to, but i try not to, because i know it's really gross.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
omg. none. but it's friday!!! ;)

17. Do you like popcorn from those big tins?
oh, i just realized what they meant by tins. no way, that shizz is nasty. i make mine fresh whenever i want it, with real butter.

18. What is your "song of the week"?
"mad misson" by patty griffin.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
i don't care what color people wear!

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
i watch jem and the holograms and ren and stimpy coz i have them on dvd. i would watch other ones, but only if i used to watch them when i was younger. the real-retro factor.

21. What's your favorite scary movie?
scary movie 2. or dawn of the dead (the romero one). i don't know. i don't watch them usually. i had a very bad experience with poltergeist (the movie) when i was 8. plus i thought ghosts were satan's angels and could hurt me, so that hasn't helped. hmm, exorcist was pretty good, actually.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
in a file folder in my living room. no one would ever find it. :)

23. What do you drink with dinner?
depends on the meal.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
i like the fake spicy ones, dipped in barbeque sauce and ketchup.

25. What is your favorite food/ cuisine?
too many to name. like pet peeves.

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
too many to name. some are batman returns, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, now voyager, being john malkovich, and the big lebowski.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
someone who does not have a myspace account, thank god.

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
yes, both. it's complicated.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
probably not.

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
i wrote a bunch of thank you cards for people who helped me move coz they're the bomb-diggity.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
i *know* how to do it, but i've never *done* it.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
yes. a very long time ago.

33. Ran out of gas?
no, thank goodness.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?:
a (fake) bacon, lettuce, and fresh-from-the-garden tomato sandwich. on ezekiel bread, with mayonnase. i know, i know, i hate mayonnaise. it's a thing.

35. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
strawberries. i prefer waiting for brunch and really pigging out on hash browns, pancakes, eggs, and fake sausage. i think i eat too much fake meat.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
i haven't had a bedtime since high school. (my dad and stepdad were real reactionaries, like the malibu chief of police)

37. Are you lazy?
often, but i hate myself for it in the morning.

38. When you were a kid, what were you for Halloween?
usually a witch.

[notice anything missing here?? DO YA??]

40. How many languages can you speak?
one well. i also speak a little spanish but my comprehension is really bad, so i can't really have conversations, i can just ask for things.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
hmm, yoga journal, our state (about north carolina), mother jones (i haven't paid for it; they keep sending it). i think that's it.

42..Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
legos, since i never played with lincoln logs. maybe once.

43. Are you stubborn?
incredibly.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
letterman, i guess, but i haven't watched it in a while.

45. Ever watch soap operas?
no.

46. Afraid of heights?
yes.

47. Sing in the car?
yes. loudly.

48. Dance in the shower?
no.

49. Dance in the car?
uh, no.

50. Ever used a gun?
yes. i didn't like it. i won't do it again. it was just a bb gun, too.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
when i went to chattanooga with my ex we got those old-timey portraits made. i guess it depends on how you define "photographer."

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
not inherently. have you seen dancer in the dark?

53. Is Christmas stressful?
yes, but i LOVE IT. the christmas season is a nightmare, but christmas day with my family makes it all worthwhile.

54. Ever eat a pierogie?
once.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
apple. although i really get in the mood for cherry pie sometimes.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
actor, teacher, astronaut, queen, president, lawyer, musician. one out of seven isn't bad, i guess. :)

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
kind-of. i no longer believe they are satan's angels, though.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
didn't you just ask me that?

59. Take a vitamin daily?
i can't remember. i'm too senile.

60. Wear slippers?
yes, it's very hard for me to get the right pair. i have one that is currently sufficing, but i'm in the market for a better pair.

61. Wear a bath robe?
not usually. i love living alone. :)

62. What do you wear to bed?
i usually sleep in a nightie.

63. First concert?
the indigo girls. with stacie, who is on myspace! hi stacie!

64. Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
target, although i'd rather avoid all three if possible.

65. Nike or Adidas?
adidas.

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
doritos.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
dry roasted peanuts!!

68. Ever hear of, "gorp"?
yes. it's trail mix, with nuts, dried fruit, and m & m's. we used to make it in girl scouts. see, polyester, you should have made time for girl scouts.

69. Ever take dance lessons?
yes, i took ballet until i got tired of the teacher telling me to pull in my fat butt, then i took modern until i got tired of hopping across the room to the tune of "ghostbusters" by ray parker junior, doing that thing where you pull your two fingers across your eyes, like they did in pulp fiction. see, i only wanted to be a dancer because of the accessories. i can do interpretive dance on my own, homie! i don't need lessons!

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
i actually can't picture my future spouse, so this question means nothing to me.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
yes.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
no. i never participated in one. too stressful.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
yes.

74. Own any record albums?
no.

75. Own a record player?
no.

76. Regularly burn incense?
no.

77. Ever been in love?
unfortunately.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
patty griffin, the magnetic fields. i wish i could have seen ella fitzgerald, sam cooke, and the squirrel nut zippers.

79. What was your last concert you saw?
geez, i think it was mark kozelek, forever ago. could it be? i'm going to see sufjan stevens in a few months.

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
hot tea in the fall, winter, and sprin. cold (SWEET) tea in the spring and summer.

81.Tea or coffee?
coffee, although i have repeatedly tried to break myself of my coffee addiction.

82. Favorite kind of cookie?
oatmeal molasses chocolate chip cookies.

83.Can you swim well?
well enough.

84.Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose?
yes.

85. Are you patient?
god, no.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
i don't care, it's not my wedding.

87. Ever won a contest?
not that i remember.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
no.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
black olives.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
i knit myself a scarf, but i haven't knit anything since then.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
i don't really like fireplaces. i know, it's weird. i have a nice one in my living room, though.

92. Do you want to get married?
i don't know.

93. If married, how long have you been married?
four years. just kidding. obviously.

94. Who was your HS crush?
you know, i don't even feel like saying. besides, there were several. ok, many.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
i cry, but it's involuntary, and i never throw a fit to get my way. well, maybe a little...

96. Do you have kids?
i have two cats.

97. Do you want kids?
yes, but i do love my cats.

98. What's your favorite color?
black and blue. it's a tie. and a rolling stones album.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
i miss my family, and nikki.

100. Who do you wanna see right now?
i'm looking forward to going out tonight with a friend of mine.

there's a thin line between funny and horrifying, isn't there?

Open iTunes/turn on your iPod.
1.) Put your songs on shuffle.
2.) Press forward for each question.
3.) Use the song title as the answer to the question.
4.) NO CHEATING!

1.) How am I feeling today? Seven Swans (Sufjan Stevens)

2.) Where will I get married? Take On Me (A-Ha)

3.)Whats my best friends theme song? It's a Great Day to be Alive (Travis Tritt)

4.) What is/was highschool like? My Life is a Succession of People Saying Goodbye (Morrissey)

5.) What is the best thing about me? Come On! Feel the Illinoise! (Sufjan Stevens) (not sure i get this one)

6.) How is today going to be? Crimson and Clover (Tommy James and the Shondells)

7.) What is in store for this week? The Well-Tempered Clavier (performed by the Swingle Singers)

8.) What song describes my parents? Rape Me (Richard Cheese version) (this one definitely makes me want to delete this email and pretend it never happened)

9.) How is my life going? Don't Cry (Guns N'Roses) (well, of course, see above)

10.) What song will they play at my funeral? Broken-Hearted Savior (Big Head Todd and the Monsters)

11.) How does the world seem to me? I Melt (Rascal Flatts)

12.) What do my friends really think of me? You're My Only Home (The Magnetic Fields)

13) Do people secretly like me? Cancer of Everything (Lisa Germano) (wow this one is really killing me today)

14.) How can I make myself happy? Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Wang Chung) (yeah, drink myself into an early grave; seems my only hope)

15.) What should I do with my life? Very Funny (The Magnetic Fields) (i swear i'm not making this up)

17.) What is some good advice? The Marriage of Figaro (Mozart) (again, wtf?)

18.) What do I think my current theme song is? Insane in the Brain (Richard Cheese version)

19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song is? I Ran (So Far Away) (A Flock of Seagulls)

20.) What type of men/women do you like? Help Me (Timo Maas ft. Kelis)

21.) Will you get married?: Time Enough for Rocking When We're Old (The Magnetic Fields)

22.) What should I do with my love life? Wi' Nee Wee Bairn Ye'll Me Beget (The Magnetic Fields)

23.) Where will you live? Parachutes/Funeral Song (Mates of State)

24.) What will your dying words be? Metal Heart (Cat Power)

a picture from las vegas.

nikki and me in las vegas.
note my favorite t-shirt, which i am wearing in almost all photos of myself.
it was given to me by my future sister-in-law.
note also my tongue, which is sneaky and has a mind of its own.

fast, fast. slow. slow.

when i was little i used to stay with my grandma (dad's mom) a lot. she had a little boombox that she kept on 104 WTQR, the country music station at that time in greensboro, so when she wasn't listening to elvis, we listened to country. i used to hate it, except when they played old time country, which was her favorite, too: johnny cash, bob wills, patsy cline. then when i grew up i realized that as much as i tried to run from it, country music was in my blood so to speak, even pop-country. even still, i rarely listen to it. that's one reason i loved two-stepping at hoe-downs: the music, the gliding around the dance floor, the losing weight and toning my legs, the boots and cowboy hats. i think my favorite song for two-stepping is shania twain "i'm jealous" [sigh]. whenever it would come on, i would grab whomever i was with and drag them onto the floor.

my mom came to visit for her birthday last year and we went to see ralph stanley (talk about old-time country...) and the sacred harp singers (see below) and then went two-stepping. i will never forget watching her glide around the dance floor with my flamboyant dance instructor. she told me about two-stepping with her father, who is from texas. i could not remember ever seeing my mom that happy. we have a karaoke machine and i remember my mom singing "man, i feel like a woman" in her nightgown last time i went home, laughing and dancing and snapping her fingers.

yesterday i found this rascal flatts song, which is a huge hit for them (i always think it's funny, since i never listen to the radio, that there are such wildly popular songs out there that i don't know at all) and the video made me cry. since i've been feeling depressed lately, i thought it reflected my mood better than the k-fed/britney entry from the other day, although i'm going to leave that posted since they make me laugh. but, there is something to say for a good cry every once in a while, i guess.

charity :)



"what hurts the most" by rascal flatts

and since i can't find "i'm jealous..."



"that don't impress me much" by shania twain



sacred harp singing AKA shape note singing, a southern gospel tradition

a perfect pair.

this is so funny. i keep watching it and it makes me LAUGH! i posted it on my page too, as you may have noticed. oh, k-fed. how i love you. and yet, not at all.




sigh. it is wrong. that i know. at least i'm upfront about my shit.

charity :)

is it wrong to love las vegas so?

When the clouds cleared and the plane completed its final descent into Atlanta my eyes teared up. I couldn't even see the houses and buildings for all the smog. I called my mom from the plane to let her know i landed ok, but had to cut my message short. I called Nikki to let her know I landed ok, but had to cut short our conversation. Talking about Atlanta was too disturbing.

When I walked out to the taxi stand at the airport, I noticed the difficulty of holding my shoulders straight, even after setting my bags down on the dingy sidewalk, in line with a bunch of yuppy businesspeople and watched by sullen minimum wage workers. I took deep breaths and thought about Vegas. The humidity here is suffocating me and so is graduate school.



the beautiful waters of the bellagio.

Nikki called and gave me some good advice, that she said was silly: god is smarter than me. I get so anxious, but how am i supposed to be able to control everything? I am seemingly incapable of just chilling the fuck out and letting it ride. I mean, how much worse would it be if i actually was responsible for everything in the world running smoothly? It's not my job. My job is to do the best i can with what I am given. So, ok.

Then my mom called and said pretty much the same thing, along with something like "and Nikki is a good person to learn from." Basically she was saying that we learn from pain, and I am in pain, and Nikki has been in pain, and I need to figure out how to get out of that. Then, I will be a better person because of the troubles I have experienced. I will be able to relate to people and even if I don't understand things, I have to have faith that it will get better. "What if it never does, though, Mom? What if this is as good as it gets?" She just told me it will get better. We agreed, you never know what is around the corner.

I guess, even if it doesn't get any better, it's still not for me to decide. I don't like giving up that power, or admitting that the power i think i have is an illusion. Mom said people come through her program every week (she is an executive leadership trainer) who are realizing all this, and maybe it's good that I'm going through it all now. So, basically, my mom told me I'm having the mid-life crisis that affects all rich white men in their 50s. Great. I almost wish I could have waited, as bizarre as that sounds, just so I could have all this other shit handled already. Although, if i had taken that social work job out of college and realized at 40 that I wanted to go to grad school, I would be pretty upset. Plus, I'd have house payments to make and kids to deal with. I don't know. I just don't know. Nikki says we think too much. She's probably right.

But my Mom and i did talk about Austin, and Mom is going to go with me. We're going to try to see a taping of Austin City Limits, although the process for getting tickets is a bit unpromising. It would be best if we could go to the Austin Music Festival, but that's in September (yes, right after my birthday, when I will be one year closer to retiring from a job I'm not yet qualified for) and I'm not sure we'll be able to pull it together in time. Plus she wants to go in the winter. I'll just be happy to leave Atlanta again, if only for a weekend.

in the meantime...





"Con Te Partiro (Time to Say Goodbye)"
performed by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli

really? the lone star state?

one year from now.



now i just need a job...

charity :)

toby's quiz by way of felicia.

LAST
1. friend you saw: nikki
2. Talked to on the phone: nikki
3. Text: mauricio
4. person messaged over myspace: i think alison

1. Wearing: tank top and jean skirt
2. Better than yesterday? i'm at school in atlanta and yesterday i was at nikki's in las vegas, so everything is worse; nothing is better

t o m o r r o w
1. Is: wednesday
2. Got any plans: work. i'll try to make it a day without crying. don't think i will be able to do so.
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: i'm in atlanta sans nikki

f a v o r i t e
1. Number: 13
2. color: navy blue i think. i may be starting to get tired of it.
3. Season: spring except for my allergies.

c u r r e n t l y
1. Missing someone: nikki, and laroyce since they live together. my mom and stepdad.
2. Mood: depressed
3. Wanting: to not be depressed

Qs & As
Q: First thing you did this morning:
A: fought back tears and cursed the town of atlanta and its disgustingly oppressive humidity

Q: Last thing you ate:
A: i'm drinking a latte. last night i had a slice of pizza and a salad at fellini's, which is less than a block from my new apartment.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?:
A: i've lost my passion in life. i feel like i'm wasting my life but don't know how to fix it. you asked.

Q: What's annoying you right now?
A: the fact that i am stuck in atlanta for one more year

Q: What's the last movie you saw?:
A: shanghai noon last night. i have a leonard cohen documentary and callas forever waiting for me at home though and am very excited.

Q: Do you believe in long distance relationships?:
A: i believe they exist but i have difficulty maintaining them. of course, here i'm referring to friendships, since the possibility of a long distance romantic relationship is unimaginable to me. my closest friend lives all the way across the country though, so i know those can work.

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now:
A: yes, and it's not who you think.

Q: Do you think that a person is thinking of you too?
A: no

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: i went to starbucks, the evil villian, to get my latte fix. i couldn't face the coffee making routine this morning at my apartment because my coffee maker is currently on the floor until i buy a table for it and they were doing very loud work on the house that was making me feel crazy.

Q: Do you look like your mom or dad?:
A: i wish i looked like my mom, but i think i look like the mailman. except i got my dad's smirk. thanks, daddy.

Q: Do you have any siblings?:
A: two younger brothers with whom i am close and two older stepsisters with whom i am not

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: i don't know. when i have something to smile about i guess

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: yes

Q: Are you a friendly person?:
A: i'm pretty moody. sometimes i am very friendly (especially when i've been drinking) but usually i'm introverted and evasive.

Q: Whose bed did you sleep in last night?:
A: my own

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?:
A: periwinkle, and it ties in the back. it's incredibly lame, but it has a shelf bra, so that's nice.

Q: What were you doing at 12 last night?:
A: trying to sleep unsuccessfully, realizing that jet lag does indeed affect even me.

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?:
A: too long ago. i can't remember when. maybe christmas

Q: Do you have more guy or girl friends?
A: define "friend"

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: when i read nikki's comment on my page

Q: Do you get angry easily?
A: i get irritated very easily, and when i do get angry i get really rude apparently.

Q: What was your last thought before you went to sleep last night??
A: something about "hang on, charity, you only have one more year here..."

Q: Take any vitamins?
A: no, i can't remember them

Q: What are you about to do?
A: i've been looking up relocating to austin tx on the internet, dreaming of next summer

Q: Do you ever check your phone, waiting for someone to call?
A: is this something that most people do not do?

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10.
A: no

Q: Would you say that most people who first meet you like you?
A: often, but then when they get to know me is when they stop.

here's a piece of advice: don't fill out surveys when you're really depressed.

still in las vegas...

and viva it!

the weather has been nice. rain we've had for the past few days has really cooled the temperature. although, nikki and i sat inside all day watching fellowship of the ring and eating leftovers, so we didn't really notice. yesterday we watched castaway and the ice age. i was surprised at how much i enjoyed castaway and--i'm only telling you guys this because i trust you and you are in the inner circle of love in my life--i cried like 6 times. at one point i went over the the kitchen (i couldn't leave long enough to go to the bathroom) and tore a paper towel off the roll and then in half. i gave the other half to nikki and blew my nose. ridiculous i know. but that movie was really good. i even liked old pencil neck tom hanks after that one. at the end of the movie i actually found myself attracted to him. that was embarassing.

then we went out to the strip, which was predicatably exciting. we went to fremont street, the "old-town vegas" or what have you. we settled in at the golden gate casino where i lost $2.00 in nickel poker and $13.00 in what went by the name "salmon dinner" (only the baked potato was any good). at least my vodka and ginger was delicious, as only a vodka and ginger can be. the waitress recommended a great place to get chicken-fried steak, lowering her voice as she admitted going there when she got off work.

we walked down to an irish country and western bar, where a friend of a friend of a friend was playing drums in his dad's band. they were really great. his dad's guitar had a mother-of-pearl inlay in the shape of texas, and when he sang "marguaritaville" he said, "and i know, it's all charity's fault," to which the small crowd of us cheered and whistled.

we drove back down the strip on the way home and made plans to come back saturday and really do the touristy things: ride a doubledecker purple bus, watch the water show at the bellagio, wander through the elaborately ornate casinos, and visit the world's largest souvenir shop: i need some velvet elvis.

tonight we are going to first fridays, something in the art district that promises to be an adventure. afterwards we are going to a bar to meet some friends.

and who knows, maybe i'll make a detour to visit one of the world famous chapels of love/bells/flowers/romance if things go really well...

charity :)

i finally made it to las vegas.

i am in las vegas at last. i like it. it's completely manufactured, just like they say. i saw the grand canyon flying in. even from the plane it was huge.

i love Nikki, who can force me forcelessly after five long years to finally take a trip by myself all the way across the country to visit her in her small house that looks like all the other small houses in her neighborhood. her backyard is full of rocks. the sky here is bigger than any i've seen in some time. the mountains are like ginormous rocks.

we played scattergories earlier and i realized that somewhere along the way my vocabulary went to shit. we are getting ready to go swimming. i am having a great time. her puppy named puppy is the sweetest little thing. when you talk to her she jumps up in the air like a circus dog.

i'm happy to be here.

charity :)

ps-and my new apartment is GREAT! let me know if you need the new address!

6 days until Vegas...

...and the status of my life is as follows:


- I am mostly packed. I still have to pack my kitchen stuff, the remains of my bathroom and linen closet stuff, and my dress clothes that need to not be folded.

- I have a huge stack of things I want to give away: probably about 30 books (I want to try to sell them, but I don't know when I'll do that; I may end up just hanging onto them, in which case, I still have about 30 books to pack), 2 and a half trash bags full of clothes (I think my roommate is going to be sweet enough to take them to the Salvation Army with her stuff), and several trinkety things, like stationary sets and file holders and stuff.

- My cats are freaking out, and Sam has awoken me every morning at 6, which is fine if I have to be at work at 8:30, but not if I didn't get to sleep until 1:00 and planned on sleeping in.

- I have not written in my blog much lately. This is partly a function of my busy-ness, and partly a function of an unpleasant visitor to my myspace page. If it's you, you know who you are. I don't understand some people. These are my thoughts. I honestly don't mind sharing them with friends and total strangers. Even enemies are welcome to read; that's how little I guard this type of intimacy. However, why would an enemy threaten to sue me for mentioning him in an entry? Am I not allowed to think bad things about him? Further, am I not allowed to write about things he's done? First, it doesn't make any difference (I can't imagine that any friends he has would read my blog). Second, he's the one who acted like a dick, and now I have to pretend he didn't? Shouldn't he just have thought about that long ago? I can think of countless stories that I imagine people could tell about me that would be less than flattering, but I'm not going to threaten litigation to keep them under wraps! Third, everyone who knows him can't help but know he's an asshole, so it's not like I'm telling people who happen to know him something they didn't know already.

- My dissertation is coming along nicely. My committee is all going to be out of the country by the beginning of next week, which I think is a strange coincidence. One of them is only gone for a week, one is gone for the rest of the summer, one is gone until next summer, and the one who has not actually agreed to be on my committee yet will be returning in a couple of weeks. At least my committee members are worldly, and recognize the importance of getting out of Atlanta once in a while.

- I can't wait for Vegas though. I am very much looking forward to my trip!!! Then when I get back I may be going to Six Flags finally. This is funny. I want to ride roller coasters so bad; I've really been thinking a lot about it lately. And yet, my life of late feels pretty much like a constant roller coaster ride. So, why do I need to pay $50 for the experience? I guess because roller coasters make you feel totally vulnerable and out of control, but only for a very short period of time. Afterwards, you can stand back and look up at the ride and go, "I did that. And now I want some funnel cake." Whereas in my life lately, I have been waiting and waiting for the end of the ride, but around each corner just come more and more loops and hills. I really want that funnel cake.

charity :)

it's no 8 and a half...

or la dolce vita, but i do love Fellini's Roma (1972). I just got it from Netflix and i love the description on the back: "Writer-director Federico Fellini's virtually plotless ode to the city of Rome is a gaudy collection of images and sounds celebrating the famed Italian capital. Partly autobiographical, the film reconstructs Fellini's arrival in Rome during the Mussolini years, a trip to a brothel and a circus-like visit to a music hall. More realistic scenes of a movie company making a film about the city are mixed with absurd images of Rome after dark."




see also Fellini: I'm a Born Liar (2002).

another survey (61 things)

i thought i'd repost this since i haven't written a blog entry in so long. so busy, so anxious. i hope if you're reading this that you are doing better than i am. xoxo, charity

1)How old do you wish you were?
however old i will be the day i walk across the stage with my phd

2) Where were you when 9/11 happened?
9/11/01 i was sleeping late because i was depressed and unemployed. i was dreaming about my upcoming birthday and my mom woke me up yelling about how a plane flew into the world trade center tower and it exploded. i had to follow her downstairs coz she wouldn't stop to explain. i watched tv pretty much nonstop for two days. i fell in love with peter jennings

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
last time the laundry machine stole my quarter i just put another one in

4) Do you consider yourself kind?
i could be more kind

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
if there was a reason i "had to get a tattoo" then i guess the location would likely be predetermined as well

6) If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
spanish

7) Do you know your neighbors?
some of them

8)What do you consider a vacation?
sleep

9) Do you follow your horoscope?
not the daily ones

10) Would you move for the person you loved?
there are many more factors involved in this decision

11) Are you touchy feely?
in a way

12) Do you believe opposites attract?
no

13) Dream job?
editor for ROUTLEDGE

14) Favorite channel(s)?
turner classic movies

15) Favorite place to go on weekends?
i actually enjoy going to the laundromat, and i used to go to the planetarium or museum when i could. that was also fun

16) Showers or Baths?
bath at night, shower in the morning!

7) Do you paint your fingernails?
i rarely paint my nails, but they are always neatly trimmed and filed

18) Do you trust people easily?
too easily, but then at some point i usually stop and never do again

19) What are your phobias?
Bethany the other night a big cockroach from outside came in and crawled into my stacks of boxes so i couldn't get him out, then as i stood paralyzed trying to figure out what i was going to do it sneaked back and CLIMBED ON MY BARE FOOT. i screamed and ran into my room, and then a few minutes later my cat brought it into the room and ate it in front of me. that was gross

20) Do you want kids?
yes

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal?
sometimes, although i usually only write in case of emergency so if anyone reads them after i die i think they will be very disappointed and or depressed.

22) Where would you rather be right now?
hawaii

23) What makes you feel warm and fuzzy?
hot atlanta mornings after a rain. oh, sorry, i thought you said warm and disgusting.

24) Heavy or light sleep?
way too light

25) Are you paranoid?
why do you ask?

26) Are you impatient?
this question is a waste of time.

27) Who can you relate to?
usually my mom and nikki

28) How do you feel about interracial dating?
i "feel" like i would do it again

29) Have you been burned by love?
i can think of few people who have not been

[i just wanted to point out that 3 questions are missing]

33) What are you reading?
this book called the wonder spot by melissa banks and a bunch of articles about acupuncture and western medicine

34) Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
my own

35) Favorite Color?
blue

36) Movie you most want to see?
i don't know. i am getting fellini's roma on netflix tomorrow and it's one of my favorites, so i'm looking forward to it. i guess of movies coming out i want to go see the superman movie. that looks fun

37) Name three things you have on you at all times?
glasses, hair tie, my attitude (?)

38.) What color are your bed sheets?
i have blue ones and purple ones and navy ones (two sets) and white flannel ones with stars and planets and constellations, and several other sets as well. several hand-me-down sets from my family, who apparently are now all too good for full beds (they've upgraded to queens)

39) How much cash do you have on you right now?
not enough

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken?
the blank stare coupled with the willingness to peck a cellmate to death with its mouth trying to escape and/or secure breathing room (leave me alone! i'm NEVER militant!)

41) What's your favorite city?
there's this story i like about a buddhist monk who was sitting at the wall of a city, meditating. another guy came up and asked "hey, so what are the people like here?" the monk looked up at him and said "well, friend, what are the people like in the city where you come from?" the guy responded "oh, they're terrible backstabbers, and malicious, and uncaring, and spiteful, and selfish. they only think of themselves and never lend a friendly hand." the monk shook his head and sighed. "i'm afraid you are going to find the same here, my friend." the guy grumbled and walked in. a second man approached and asked "hello, what are the people like here?" the monk looked up at him and said "well, friend, what are the people like in the city where you come from?" the second man said, "the people in my hometown are the best you could find anywhere. no matter how down i got, there was always someone to lift me up. people cared about each other and relied on one another. there was always someone around to make me smile. i was very lucky to live there." the monk nodded. "well, friend, i expect you will find the same thing when you enter these gates." life is what you make it. and cities are what you make them. having said that, i would say london

42) I can't wait until:
i go to vegas in like a week!!

43) Who got you to join myspace?
i give credit to monique gabrielle and nikki

44) What did you have for dinner last night?
last night i had some lasagna i made. mmmmm!!!

45) How tall are you barefoot?
i think about 5'6"

46) Have you ever smoked heroin?
no

47) Do you own a gun?
no

48) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
soy lattes

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
my weapon was confiscated years ago

50) Do you have A.D.D.?
i don't know

51) What time did you wake up today?
my alarm went off at 6:15 and every 10 minutes until 6:55

52) Current worry?
my dissertation proposal that i have to defend in two months, my move in 4 days, jobs that i don't have time to work, and all the weight and years i've put on in the past 6 months, etc.

53) Current hate?
food allergies

54) Favorite place to be?
in the mountains, on a trail after a rain. or on the beach at sunset.

55) Where would you like to travel?
new zealand, still. i'm just going to stop answering this question, i think

56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
hopefully back home in north carolina

57) Last thing you ate?
something i'm allergic to :)

58) What songs do you sing in the shower?
i've been singing ruby baby lately. sometimes easy by the commodores. usually it depends on what i've been listening to in the morning

59) Last thing that made you laugh?
my cat knocked on the door and wouldn't tell me how

60) Worst injury you've ever had?
i just hurt my back in a car wreck. it was hardly an injury at all but i did have to ride in an ambulance. i don't usually take risks, so my stories are pretty lame. pun intended

61) Does someone have a crush on you?
maybe, it's unclear

little things i will miss about my apartment i am noticing as i pack.

. i park in a reserved spot behind the building. when i lean forward to put on my shoes after parking at night, the yellow light from a street light shines to me through the leaves of overhanging trees. once there was a spider web in the leaves, made by a spider so big i could see it from many yards away. when it rains, the light reflects off all the droplets of water that fall on my windshield.

. my cats love chasing each other through the several big rooms, and sitting on the wide ledges of the third floor windows watching the squirrels and birds living in communities among the tall trees outside.

. we have a huge closet in our living room where we can store big boxes and winter coats and unused office chairs that we have accumulated spmehow. the litter box is also there, which means we don't have to have it in a room where living occurs.

. at night i can close my door and let the cats play outside in the rest of the apartment. max has a sparkly blue ball that she for some reason loves intensely. she will wake me up some nights talking to it. she will somehow (she never plays fetch) bring it to my door and sit in front of it begging it to throw itself. i come out and put the ball on the built in shelves in the hallway and she goes about her business as if nothing happened.

. there is so much light in our apartment. green light, since it shines through the trees. we have a screened in back porch with a rocking chair outside and when the weather is pleasant in the fall and spring we can leave the screen door and windows open and a nice breeze blows through (spreading pollen in its wake, admittedly). the cats love sitting on the porch. they spread out in the sun or lounge underneath the little table we have out there. i enjoy sitting in the rocking chair with my feet on the table and max or sam underneath.

. we have a little space behind the back door where we can keep our recycling until we find time to take it out.

. we have beautiful hardwood floors. big rooms hardwood floors = perfect linedancing conditions. mahsa has set up speakers all over the living room that we can plug our ipods into making a beautiful musical paradise.

. my bathroom has a huge pedastal sink and original black and white tiles, with a very deep porcelain tub underneath a window.

. we have a lovely walk-in pantry.

. last summer we painted the kitchen a lovely pale green. it was a lot of work and the apartment was filled with fumes for weeks, even though we left the windows open so it was hot as hades, but our kitchen looks great. it was worth the trouble. and the painting part was fun.

. mahsa.

there will be good things about the new apartment, and i look forward to finding these things out. i am pretty anxious about it, though, because my landlord kind of made it sound like we would have to kick out the current tenant on the 30th. this makes me nervous, but i'm not above doing it. i do not want to sleep on the highway.

charity :)

ps-now, off to work on my dissertation...

last one today, i swear!

when i go to doc chey's i always get two fortune cookies: one for before my meal, one for after. i used to not like them, but the combination of my fascination with "the occult" and my conditioning not to waste food (thanks, mom!) eventually resulted in my defenses being worn down. now i love them.

i recently had dinner there and got the following three fortunes (one cookie contained two):

First cookie:

"Your efforts in a critical area will soon be rewarded."
"You shall attain great wisdom with each passing year" (emphasis added).

Second cookie:

"Now is the time to try something new."

i take these as good news. i hope i am gaining wisdom, since i am writing a dissertation, and the fact that my efforts may be rewarded gives me hope for finishing. and i'd love to try something new while continuing to work towards being rewarded. yes, overall i feel these fortunes are much better than my friend Michelle's fortune from a cookie she ate many years ago at the same restaurant, which said:

"In fifty years, people will live on the moon."

funny story. sort-of.

Ricky's Blue Heaven. mmmmm!!!!

When I was 24, I took a year off from graduate school. I was kind of having a nervous breakdown, but that's a story for another day (or never, for most of you). Anyway, so around April, we decided to go to Key West. By "we," I mean my mom, my stepfather, my youngest brother (he is ten years my junior), and me. By "go," I mean drive. In a recreational vehicle (RV). From the mid-1980s. That my stepfather bought at an auction. He tried to get us all to practice driving it, since he had the vision of us each taking our turns behind the wheel.

He spent so much time getting that thing ready for the trip. My stepdad is really quite the project man. He is constantly thinking up new ideas and inventions, mapping them out in a sketch pad. Often, he'll sit at the table, drawing engines and designing better ways to build things. For Christmas last year I got him a book about boats; it had diagrams of engines and electrical systems and sail set-ups, and all that kind of stuff. He read it from cover to cover while I was there, and when I left had already begun copying the drawings and figures. He's an idea man. So he had the idea that we would all drive to Key West.

Driving this thing scared the shit out of me, and I basically refused to do it. Isaac, of course, was too young to drive. So, when we headed off to Key West from North Carolina, my stepdad was behind the wheel, where he spent most of the trip, unfortunately for him.

My mom was very good at driving it. I'm not kidding when I say, she once made a u-turn in it. I got behind the wheel once and once only. We were stuck in a traffic jam and Richard was going crazy with fatigue, so I agreed very whinily to take a turn. I can't remember how long I stayed there, but it certainly wasn't long enough for Richard and Mom to rest. Seriously, it was about 30 minutes maybe.

We slept in the parking lots of Super Wal-Marts, once on the way down and once on the way up. That was creepy. People milling about a Super Wal-Mart in the middle of the night in rural South Florida are not the kind I necessarily want to spend a lot of time with.

Key West was gorgeous of course, and we had a really nice place. Of course it was an RV parking lot type place. The guy next to us had a huge brand-new one. He was ex-military, retired. We hit his mirror on the way in, but he assured us he could fix it, and did then and there.

Of course, driving an RV down meant that we had to walk everywhere once we got to our destination. And it was hot, and Isaac was miserable and I am the moodiest person on the planet. Plus my mom is sensitive, my stepdad is easily frustrated, and none of us slept very well, since it was hot and everyone snores. We also had to use semi-public showers (which, although completely nasty and freaky, was also exciting).

Considering all that, I think it was pretty remarkable what a fun time we had. We went snorkeling (see below), we had picnics, we walked around together, we saw the sights, went to museums and ate delicious food (see above). When we looked around Hemingway's house (see below) I imagined living a life like his, writing in a quaint studio in a carriage house behind my gorgeous house, standing in the window while the breeze blows through the open floor-to-ceiling windows, with my dozens of cats wondering the place, chasing around the "wild" chickens (see below). I thought about setting up a table as a glass blower during the nightly sunset celebrations (I was taking lessons at the time).

On the way back home, we tried to make it to Jacksonville. It was so late and we were all so tired. Richard was driving, Isaac was morosely sitting, Mom was in the passenger seat looking at a map, and I was staring blankly out the window, taking a break from writing in my journal because I had started feeling nauseous. All of a sudden I saw an SUV in the far left lane swerve to the left, then back across all four lanes of traffic. By the time he was heading towards us he was perpendicular to the direction in which he started, and completely in no control of his vehicle. I screamed and Richard slammed on the brakes. The next thing we knew the Dodge Durango was square in front of us and we hit him dead on. He then flipped to the side and by the time we all came to a stop, his car was upside down to the left of us. All four lanes of traffic were blocked off for more than half an hour at 11:30 on a Friday night in Jacksonville, and people had to drag this guy out of the car. I wrote this in my journal (along with the above description):

i had saved some flowers from the place we stopped while officer
ASS wrote up the report (apparently all the eyewitnesses imagined
what happened) but there were a bunch of nasty bugs on them so
i got rid of them. This is how it was: [diagram, with a note: after
impact he flipped] He's alright, though. Mom keeps climbing in and
out of the van complaining about her knees. we are all so tired. we
were so tired before the wreck. i feel like i'm going to throw up but
i don't have anything to throw up or energy to throw it up with.

When the law enforcement guy got there I swear to god he was wearing snakeskin boots. He was a big fat old guy with a swagger. He was wearing a brown uniform and chewing something. The time that passed seemed like forever, and was filled talking, trying to stay awake and keep from crying, trying to figure out what happened, going over and over the details, moving vehicles, making sure the other driver, sitting stunned for a while beside his upturned "sport-utility" vehicle, was not badly injured. The officer was really trying my patience, which is not difficult, even under normal circumstances. At one point he said, "It will be labeled as his fault, of course, unless he has a good explanation." At this point, I coldly and not-calmly replied, "What possible good explanation could this guy have for being perpendicular on a major highway at high speed putting all our lives in danger? Unless maybe, the fact that he's on drugs is a good explanation?" At this point my parents prevented me from talking with the law enforcement official anymore. Which was fine with me.

At the Super Wal-Mart parking lot we finally limped to, this one in south Georgia, I think, the surrounding situation was pretty similar to south Florida: poverty, way too bright lighting, extreme heat, creepiness. A little less humidity, which was nice. We bought some duct tape and literally duct taped the RV together. At rest stops and gas stations the whole way home we entertained questions from other sympathetic RV drivers (there's a community of them out there, you know) who wanted to know about the accident. Of course, this meant that people were constantly ogling and inquiring regarding out pathetic RV. This did not make the rest of the trip home any more pleasant.

I didn't write in my journal again until I went to acupuncture for the first time the week after we returned.

My stepdad repaired the RV completely (see below), which involved way more effort than I can believe, and recently took his daughter (my stepsister) and her then-fiancé, now-husband to a lake for a weekend getaway. I am happy to say, they did not have similar problems.

Snorkeling in the Dry Tortugas

Hemingway House

Key West Chickens

The recovered RV is in the background; me and Miss Tubb are in the foreground.

Hermann. Hesse. how predictable.

when i was in high school i read siddhartha and demian (which i think should be among required extracurricular reading for all high school students). these books really influenced me a lot. i've always felt like a bit of a loner, but like an observer. an eternal outsider looking in on something i can never really be part of. yet i have always nonetheless felt an intense connection with the rest of humanity despite my isolation. even more, in my more "present" moments i relish the connection that i can feel between me and everything else here (at the risk of betraying my hippie roots).

i happened to pick up a journal i randomly kept in high school and i had copied a section of demian into my journal. i thought i would repost it here, too. it was nice to revisit it. the following comes from the introduction (i'm not sure if this is from the original introduction, but the book was originally published in german in 1919 and in english a few years later).
_________________

What a real living human being is made of seems to be less understood today than at any time before.... [Each human being] represents a unique and valuable experiment on the part of nature... If we were not something more than unique human beings, if each one of us could really be done away with once and for all by a single bullet, storytelling would lose all purpose. But every man is more than just himself; he also represents the unique, the very special and always significant and remarkable point at which the world's phenomena intersect, only once in this way and never again. That is why every man's story is important, eternal, sacred; that is why every man, as long as he lives and fulfills the will of nature, is wondrous, and worthy of every consideration. In each individual the spirit has become flesh, in each man the creation suffers, within each one a redeemer is nailed to the cross.... I do not consider myself less ignorant than most people. I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me. My story is not a pleasant one; it is neither sweet not harmonious, as invented stories are; it has the taste of nonsense and chaos, of madness and dreams - like the lives of all men who stop deceiving themselves.

Each man's life represents a road toward himself, an attempt at such a road, the intimation of a path. No man has ever been entirely and completely himself. Yet each one strives to become that - one in an awkward, the other in a more intelligent way, each as best he can.... Each [man] represents a gamble on the part of nature in creation of the human. We all share the same origin.... But each of us ... strives toward his own destiny. We can understand one another, but each of us is able to interpret himself to himself alone.
_______________

I love this because it's one of those works that straddles the humanities and social sciences, and the mid 1800s through the early 1900s was a very interesting time intellectually. Evident in his writing is Hesse's thinking about some of the same things that motivated the work of Simmel. He is playing with questions that drive intellectuals of the time such as Marx, Weber, and Durkheim, notably: what holds society together and what is the role of the "individual" especially in regards to larger contexts? What is the relationship of religion to individuals and society?

Clearly Simmelian notions of individual identity as intersecting group memberships are evident. Even Marx talks about class consciousness as necessasry for social development, implicating a social psychological aspect. in addition, thinkers of the time that we now hold as canonical were increasingly looking at religion in new ways. Weber and Durkheim both gathered anthropological data on religions to propose theories about how society works, leading Durkheim to focus on ideas such as totems, rituals, and collective effervescence as mechanisms of social cohesion, and leading to Weber's focus on the institutionalization of rituals and beliefs. In both theories we see evidence of a more functionalist view of religion, as a way of keeping society together (Weber emphasizing that part less so than Durkheim). These guys were looking increasingly at "other" religions as a way to understand their own. It is almost always easier to see something we have not grown up with as social object that can be studied, as opposed to a Truth that must be taken for granted. The challenge is seeing the objectivity in that Truth: how are the Truths that we live by themselves created and maintained by individuals and our institutions?

Hesse, as someone destined and expected to go into the Protestant ministry, eventually got to a point where he could look outside the Truth he had always known, and see the motivation behind social institutions such as religion. He was influenced by eastern religions and philosophies, but unlike Weber, who wrote a social scientific book about it (the sociology of religion, still one of my favorites) and several articles (chinese literati, for example), Hesse played around with the ideas and alternative Truths themselves, incorporating them into his works in fascinating ways for people who have ever felt disillusioned from mainstream or the taken-for-granted mundane everyday western Truth, such as myself. We can play with these Truths and yet, we don't have to give up one Truth to believe in another ("within each one a redeemer is nailed to the cross"). We can form our own Truth, and that is actually the road we are all travelling.

In a more practical, less philosophical way, Hesse's perspective introduced me to (prepared me for?) buddhism. this introduction is what allowed me to get through my friend allen's death so many years ago. when he died i was so confused, because i hadn't seen him in many many months. we hadn't spoken, and so i couldn't miss him any more than i already did; it made my grieving very confusing. i remember staring out the window during classes watching the trees lose their bright yellow and red leaves, thinking about his smile and his silly happy laugh. i never felt like he was really gone. then one day i was walking across campus. although the trees were losing their leaves, there were still some bright red remnants of fall. i was walking with someone, i don't even remember who. all of a sudden, the wind blew from behind me. i felt it blow across my back and up through my hair. it caught me off guard and i looked up to see it make its way across the grass and ruffle the scattered red leaves in the distant trees. for some reason i thought to myself, "it's allen." i realized that even though he was gone, the relationship that we had was still there. even if i died too, our relationship would remain. because a connection between people is bigger than the people themselves. thought about in that sense, a person is bigger than the person him or herself. all the people i know influence me to a certain degree, some more deeply than others. even people that are no longer in my life have influenced me. how can we possibly be "individuals" in the sense of isolated, self-sufficient beings? the whole purpose of being here is to interact. there's nothing else to do! these interactions are what makes up a society, not the individuals within it. so, allen's still here. just as Hesse is still here, even though he died in 1962. these interactions and relationships are critical, but the "individual" is still a real constraint on these interactions ("we can understand one another, but each of us is able to interpret himself to himself alone"). the task is to recognize the beauty and limitations of social interaction and relationships.

i'm thankful for all the interactions that have made me who i am today as an individual, and that have simultaneously made me a member of this community (which in turn influences my individual identity in a Simmelian way). it's the social that allows us to see ourselves as individuals. we see ourselves in relation to the "other" (see also Patricia Hill Collins). so even though our search for individual identity aims at creating a "unique individual," this can only be done in comparison with the society in which one exists, using aspects such as group membership that are socially contextual. the search itself is driven and influenced by contextual factors ("what a real living human being is made of seems to be less understood today than at any time before").

i wish you the best on your own journey!!

with love and individualized solidarity,
charity :)

ps-contrast to: "Life is a tale told by an idiot--full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." William Shakespeare (eternal optimist)

astrology follow-up/correction

well, after all that i looked at a chart and i'm a capricorn rising. which is funny, coz it does sound exactly like me. maybe it is all make-believe???

See this website to calculate your own. You just need the date, time, and location of your birth.

Here's some info i got about capricorn rising i got from Cafe Astrology.

---------

Capricorn Ascendant

There's a seriousness to Capricorn rising people that is unmistakable. Even when they're joking around, it's of the deadpan variety. In fact, plenty of very humorous people have Capricorn Ascendants. It's all in the timing...and the fact that they don't giggle before the joke is over.

Capricorn Ascendant people project competence. They simply ooze it. They're generally very image-conscious people--the clothes they wear and their manner are a big deal to them. They want to appear successful, and they generally succeed!

Often the Ascendant persona is the one that was forced upon us by family conditioning. For example, parents may label their Libra Ascendant child the "nice" one; their Aries Ascendant child the "independent" one; and their Pisces Ascendant child is generally the space cadet of the family. We adopt these roles as familiar ones, and often carry them with us as our defense mechanisms, in some way or another, for the rest of our lives. In the case of Capricorn Ascendants, these were the children who were considered the responsible ones. Sometimes, it was they themselves who looked around them and felt the need to be the structured, dependable, and responsible members of the family. So, often, Capricorn rising people adopted a strong sense of tradition, family, and responsibility at a very young age.

Capricorn rising people are generally big on family, and forever worry about security--for themselves and their dependents. They come across to others as hard-working, competent, and dependable people. What others may not see under that cool, even suave, exterior, is an inner struggle: they often ask themselves, "Am I doing enough?", "Do I deserve all of this?", "How can I make things better?" They worry a lot about the future.

If success seemed to have come easy to these folks, it hasn't. They just made it look that way with a patient, hard-working, driven personality. Some Capricorn rising people practice some form of self-denial. They know how to do away with the frivolous. Still, they'll spend money on the clothes they really want (the ones with the right labels, that is), and other status symbols. Although they're rarely showy, their quiet air of success is often a result of conscious effort.

More often than not, Capricorn rising individuals are success stories. Their childhoods may have been difficult, but they slowly but surely turn their lives around. Saturn rules this Ascendant, and this generally means a kind of backwards way of living--as children, they are serious and bear a lot of responsibility; and as they grow up, they age beautifully, learning how to loosen up.

Celebrity examples of Capricorn Ascendant are George Burns and Alan Alda.

---------

fucking alan alda and george burns. i'm remembering that myspace bulletin for the face-mapping genealogy website that probably sent my picture to neocons everywhere after telling me i look like a recent miss india, and also larry king.

nikki, yours is here.

charity :)

i like this shirt!!

astrolo-gee

hi!

so, one thing i learned from lenoir is that i was born at 8:49 pm. i have wondered what time i was born for a while because i needed it to find out my rising sign. with my new information, i went today and found out that this makes me:

sun sign: virgo
moon sign: virgo
rising sign: aries

the sun sign is who you are inside (your soul, so to speak). the moon sign is your emotional core (your heart, so to speak). the rising sign is the image you portray, the person people think you are from the way you act, the impression they get of you upon just meeting you.

i find my combination fascinating. they seem like opposites, and i think it really explains a lot. i always say so much and then afterwards can't stop going over and over it in my head, wondering why i said what i said, etc. questioning others, myself. i'm constantly going and doing and then i just get worn out and want to stay at home and yet critcise myself for it nonstop!

anyway, i just thought i'd share.

charity :)

ps. the pilot episode of wonder woman is SO AWESOME!!!!! every time i watch it i crack up. cloris leachman is incredible.



(from a different but equally awesome episode)

pps. check out this amazing dress from Stop Staring:




ppps. from Moon Cat Astrology:

VIRGO: Virgo is the angelic reflection of goodness and purity in humanity. While the Gemini (also ruled by Mercury) is gathering information, the Virgo is busy finding practical applications for that knowledge. She is constantly analyzing and assessing facts and details, pulling out and discarding that which is not useful.

The Virgo is a highly discerning individual. She lives to serve, and has little tolerance for that which does not fit into her world. She may therefore seem finicky and critical, when in reality she is only being as concise and pure minded as possible for those she feels responsible for. She is in tune with the higher forces of nature, which constantly strive toward a perfected state of being.

Virgo's great sense of morality and purity may be tested at different times in her life, tempering her soul with a fortified ability to cut through the ugliness of the world and establish a clear path to simple goodness and charity. She will use the wisdom gained to guide others on the path.

The Virgo is the most gracious of hostesses, knowing intuitively how to please. She is drawn irresistibly to helping others and can dig in and work hard under any circumstances. She will watch and manage her resources carefully, and spend wisely. In love, the Virgo seeks someone she can give her all to, and treat with the utmost consideration and respect, thus she sets very high standards for those she may choose to share herself with.


MOON in VIRGO (also Moon in sixth house): Moon in Virgo is very objective and practical in emotional situations. It may seem that she shies away from confrontation or open displays of feeling. She needs to study the facts before committing to an opinion. Her first reaction may be to ask questions - she wants all the information she can get. Moon in Virgo nurtures others with kindness, an eagerness to help, constructive criticism and practical solutions. She likes to have a clean or organized environment, and people around her who are pure minded and hard working.


ARIES RISING (also Mars rising): The woman with Aries Rising views the world as a place of adventure and opportunity. She has a look of bold determination and fearlessness. She expects much of herself in terms of personal achievement. Aries Rising believes that everyone is essentially alone in the world, and should be self-supporting. She is proud of herself when she is able to forge ahead on her own, or lead others. Aries Rising is here to be a model of self-reliance and courage.

from some aussie named Milton Black's website:

Virgo is careful and needs to thoroughly analyze a situation before proceeding. Aries on the other hand, is impulsive and direct and often abrupt. Aries will act first, and think about the consequences later. Aries is prone to emotional outbursts and short-lived, but frequent flares of temper. Virgo is rather sensitive and becomes nervous, fretful, or anxious by Aries brashness.

Virgo is a bit of a worrier, and Aries, who hates to admit ever feeling frightened or insecure, may scoff at Virgo's concerns and worries.

Also Virgo is something of a perfectionist, dislikes making mistakes, and can be very critical of self and others. Aries has a strong need to take chances on new ventures, to be daring and original, and is bound to make numerous mistakes in the process. Virgo's criticisms can be very discouraging to the bold pioneer in Aries. One way you can support each other is for Virgo to help organize and practically implement some of Aries creative ideas.

The relationship is more than likely to have its fair share of frustrations and difficulties. There is a sense of responsibilities towards each other, but the union may not necessarily be long lasting.

At times you both feel emotionally constrained and inhibited by being together, and this relationship may feel like a form of imprisonment! Virgo, in particular, may feel disheartened by Aries criticisms, worries, fears, or need to dominate Virgo's life. Virgo's emotional needs and feelings are ignored and much emphasis on responsibilities and obligations and not enough attention given to the needs for acceptance and tenderness.

yea for nikki!

another quiz from brook (yea brook!)

brook, what is the matter with us and asked another way, why can't we sleep normal times????

1. Do you still talk with the first person you kissed?

uh, no. it was some guy i kissed on a double dare when i was little. and if you mean with tongue, i actually wanted to go out with that guy's brother, so i never really had any reason to keep in touch with him.

2. Have you ever seen your best friend naked?

no. boundaries are important to me, i have discovered.

3. What did you do when you weren't in school in the 2nd grade?

my brother and i went to after school care at the Y. i also had swim lessons, soccer practice (yes, really), gymnastics, and brownies. i played with my brother and played piano (i think i had quit my lessons by then).

4. What is the best thing about your job?

i only have to do it twice a week. if you're talking about the receptionist job.

5. Do you like more than one person right now?

i have a few friends.

6. Are you against gay marriage?

i'm not sure how i feel about marriage in general right now. although i'm very happy for my brother and his fiance. ask me later.

7. Did you vote for Bush?

i think a more interesting question is, did you vote for nader?

8. Where are you going on your next vacation?

LAS VEGAS, baby.

10. Are most of your friends guys or girls?

what, am i supposed to count them out? approximately equal numbers i guess.

11. Do you own any furniture from IKEA?

yes, and i hope to own a bit more in a few months.

12. Last book you read?

marginal to mainstream (about alternative health).

13. If you could have one super power what would it be?

making my mom healthy.

14. Where have you lived most of your life?

north carolina.

15. What are 2 of your fav. movies?

eternal sunshine, what ever happened to baby jane?

16. Where do you see yourself in 4 years?

OUT OF SCHOOL. ANYWHERE. hopefully with a dog. and a house.

17. What's your favorite smell?

i don't know. banana bread? lasagna? new shoes? that's tough.

18. What is your favorite sound?

crickets.

19. Are you moody?

absolutely.

20. Favorite band right now?

i don't know.

21. Have you ever done anything hurtful to your classmate?

i think i have hurt a lot of people, and i feel bad about it all the time, actually. sometimes i think i should have been catholic.

22. Have you ever gone to therapy?

i've started it several times, but never really got into it.

23. Have you ever Played Spin the bottle?

i don't think so.

24. Have you ever toilet papered someones house?

no.

25. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?

yes.

26. Have you ever gone camping?

yes.

27. Have you ever had a crush on your brother's friend?

um, yes. a big one!!! ;)

28. Have you ever gone to a nude beach?

no, and i don't really want to. i don't think i would want to see that many naked people. it's just not appealing to me.

29. Have you ever gone streaking?

i don't think so.

30. Have you ever had a stalker?

well, my downstairs neighbor was kind of a stalker for a while. which was really really gross and icky.

31. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping?

YES!

32. Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

kind of.

33. Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober person?

not for long.

34. Have you ever been in love?

[blows raspberry]

35. Have you ever felt betrayed by your best friend?

YES.

36. Have you ever lied to your parents?

sort of. not biggly.

37. Have you ever been out of the US?

yes. i'd love to live outside the US. i think.

38. Have you ever thrown up from working out?

no way.

39. Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore hat.

no.

40. Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in one day?

gross. that's disgusting.

41. Last song you listened to?

someone to die for, by belly.

42. Have you ever spied on someone?

no, but i used to sneak peeks out the window in high school to see my friends' comings and goings enviously, since i was usually not allowed to leave the house.

43. Have you ever slept with one of your coworkers?

colleague? fellow employee? yes. yes. i'm a very bad decision-maker.

45. Who was the last person who called you?

my mama.

46. When was the last time you slept for more than 12 hours?

god, how i miss those days.

47. Have you ever been arrested?

uh, no.

48. Have you ever stolen anything?

nothing of consequence.

50. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be?

asleep in bed, but i accidentally drank a caffeinated latte at 7 pm, so i'm having sort of a difficult time with that.