Weekend Warriors!

Mom has been here visiting this weekend. We've had a good time; we watched the fireworks from a distance, thus avoiding the crowds (YAY), we went to see two movies (Knight and Day, Please Give), we ate at La Fonda, Fellini's, AND the Olive Bistro, and Sanks and I took Seussie for a walk in Piedmont Park, too. Mom and I went to Petsmarts, which was NOT smart, because mom spent $225! We had a great time, though, and Seussie had fun going shopping with us--there aren't any dog-friendly stores in Asheboro, apparently.

Anyway, we've had a great time. I haven't gotten quite as much crafting done as I'd like... to have... gotten done... However I'm supposed to say that. Anyway, it's been fun. I think I'm going to try to get my sewing machine threaded. That seems like a reasonable goal for the afternoon.

YIKES! I just remembered I have to go back to work tomorrow. :-(

OMG LOL!!

Can-do condo? Can-don't.

I saw this cute CUTE condo right beside my work and it would be so awesome if I lived there and was able to walk to work every day!

Then I did an online rent calculator that said if I invest the difference in what I'm paying in rent now, I'd be better off to rent for the next 30 years. Now, what the hell and I supposed to do with this information?! Silly hoo-hahs.

I just want to be able to get a dog and paint my living room and have a craft room. WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT?!?!

I'm still going to look into it.

I WON'T BE DISCOURAGED THAT EASILY!!!!

Charity :-)

Ouchie.

My sinuses are killing me! Geez Louise.

Question:

Am I ever going to be able to breathe again? I have come down with a terrible sinus infection, and currently my ribs are hurting because of all my nose-blowing. Terrific.

Yesterday Sanks and I watched the World Cup at Manuel's. I felt like I was in a foreign country. Who are these people and why are they cheering and yelling and groaning at once?! On the other hand, I had a really tasty beer: Terrapin Boom Shakalager. It was as yummy as it was creatively named. It's also 9% ABV so I really shouldn't have had more than one. After a 2 hour nap post game (did I mention 9% alcohol?) Sanks and I got pizza and a few videos.

By 10 pm I was ready for a nice long sleep, but that's when the runny nose and allergies turned serious. After an unexpectedly and irritatingly fitful sleep, I woke up feeling kinda yucky. I'm tired, I'm dehydrated, I can't breathe through my nose at all, my throat hurts from all my mouth-breathing, my sinuses are squeezing my brains into a tiny ball, I've eaten a bunch of unhealthy foods and drunk too much, and I have done approximately 1% of the tasks I intended to do here at home.

BUT!

I washed the dishes. So, there.

Question:

What if we are all reeally extras in a natural disaster movie?

No, seriously!

What if, tonight, while we sleep, a comet comes into view that the government has been trying to hide, in the desperate attempt, however misguided, to prevent chaos?

And what if, tomorrow, it's on all of the newsstands and televisions, and all of the internet home pages...

And what if we go into work, and everyone's walking around in a daze, like, "Seriously?" and then, around lunchtime, important or rich people fill the sky in helicopters, on their way to Siberia because it is supposed to be best off environmentally and will recover the quickest, because they have known for years enough to build a giant eco-dome where they alone will survive on the earth?

What if, around 4:30, people go outside in Washington DC and stand in the streets staring into the sky, because the comet has come into view directly over the White House, and network news stations all over the US are playing a loop of people standing around looking up at the sky...

And what if Obama, around dinnertime, gives a final motivational message from the Oval Office because he's too noble to go hide in the eco-dome with the Bushes..

And what if we are standing around in our living rooms drinking wine and kissing our babies, flipping between that and watching the comet approach the Statue of Liberty on the network news, because of course the comet is visible over both simultaneously, and then, all of a sudden, an attractive young woman in a suit comes in, and she gives Obama a piece of paper, and he smiles, and announces that the problem is solved, because 5 very brave astronauts just flew into space and set nuclear warheads off on the comet and unfortunately they are all dead, but look. Look! LOOK!

What if they then cut to a looped video of the comet blasting apart taken on someone's home camera because apparently they are saving it for posterity?

What would I change the day after that?

How would I want to spend my days?

How might I try to leave a better legacy? To be the one everyone looks back on with tears in their eyes?

Would anyone else care?

Would it issue in a new era of peace and acceptance?

And... why was that one guy videotaping it?

Ooooh, yeah.

I got them internets at home this morning. Sho nuff. So I'm going to be posting from home base from now on. Sweet. I'll holla atcha later.

Not sure what's going on with my speech patterns this morning. I blame the coffee.

Wah, wah, wah...

See, is that a baby crying or a slide guitar? Who knows? It's all a matter of perception. Just saying.

Rehearsal last night was... ok. I'll probably write more about it in my improv blog, but maybe not! Maybe I'll just stuff it down, deep inside, where all my other non-memorable, disappointing and deflating experiences go. Yay! Feels better that way. ;-)

I finished the embroidery last night while I finished watching the last episode of Firefly. I love that series. I got it on sale at Borders recently and I'm really glad I got it. It's a subtly good show -- just consistently good quality, not using flashy stupid things to get your adrenaline going, but with enough exciting scrapes to keep the show fast-paced. It's really good. My favorite episode is definitely "Out of Gas" but "Heart of Gold" is a close second. The latter was never even aired! I hate when networks give up on brilliant shows just because they hate me and are out to get me. Another one I want is Jericho, but that ended tragically (i.e. with a huge unanswered cliffhanger). Firefly ended reasonably well, although the movie Serenity did a good job on some story lines and on others SUCKED. Anyway, moving on...

So the little embroidery thingy-do is done, but now I have to make it into a pillow or something. I don't know about that. I want to start a sewing project, actually, but 1) I'm nervous, and 2) I can't decide on any fabrics! This is totally a good thing for me. I need practice making safe (relatively inconsequential) decisions. It will build up my confidence for when I have to make big (real) decisions.

So I'm going back to work. Today I get to design things (newsletter, brochure) so I'm excited about that! This is the part of my job that I really love.

Charity :-)

New developments!

Can there be old developments? Just curious.

I am excited to announce that I have ordered internets at my house! Yay! They will be here Friday. This will be great because I will finally be able to do all my internets stuff at home, and not have to sneak around work to do it. I will be able to focus on one thing at a time, which will be nice.

In the interest of focusing, then, I'm focused on going home right now. I'm sorry that this entry is so lame, but that's how it has to be.

I started another embroidery project last night. Still having the same commitment issues with it, though. I don't want to start something because I might start hating it halfway through. This is a good exercise for me, I think.

Rehearsal at nine tonight. I'm already sleepy. That's a bad sign.

Collections

Well, I got my first letter from a Collection Agency today. I have officially joined the ranks of the debt-ridden and down-trodden, I guess. I feel so welcome.

Seriously, it's so funny because after almost an entire year (about 10 months) I had actually just finally paid it! Crazy. I wanted to call and be all irate, like "You sisterfuckers! I paid this LAST WEEK after I received your FIFTEENTH NOTICE. Do you really have to be such impatient jerkfaces? Or did you not even bother to get your shit together in time to let the Collection Agency know I already paid this shizzle?! Geez. Let me speak with your manager."

Tonight I'm not in the show (so sad) but I'm SO looking forward to staying at home with the cats, and perhaps even doing some CRAFTS! Hmm, but I guess I should be writing. Last night I wrote a joke. :-) I'm very proud of myself, actually. I'll try to write more tonight. I'm seriously considering the stand-up class. Who wants to give me $500? (Last time I asked for money, the universe provided it, so I thought I'd give it a chance.)

Oh! And also, I'm working lights this weekend at the theatre. All by myself!

I'm full of all kinds of new skills! Better than being chock full of nuts I guess. (The joke is a little better than that...)

xo,
Charity :-)

Hawaii Slideshow!

Enjoy!

ARE THOSE 1 MILLION PINEAPPLES?!

if this day were any longer i'd hit my head on it when i stood up.

i'd step on it when i walked up the stairs.

Back-ack-ack-ack!

I'm baaaaaack! We had too much of a good time, clearly. My job has been really difficult but I decided to take the rest of the week off from improv, too, which is good, since I'm exhausted after work, but wide awake by 2 am. My schedule is WAY off. It could also do with the fact that I finally started watching the Wire. See, the thing is, no one ever told me it has Dominic West in it! I would have been watching this shizzle from the get-gizzle!

I'm still working on posting photos. I uploaded them to my computer, but now I can't get my computer to go on them internets, so, you know -- speed bumps. I'll get to it eventually.

xoxox! Trying to keep the ALOHA SPIRIT alive!!

Charity :-)

Computer-schmuter

Sanks is going to work and taking his laptop. I'm not getting as much writing done as I'd hoped, since, you know, he has to take his laptop to work and when he's not at work we're doing something FUN! Anyway, I'm doing the best I can.


Aloha! Hugs!
Charity :-)

I will post more later.

I love Hawaii.

Sanks is in many ways ridiculous, and in many ways hilarious.

Beach...

Aloha!

Tomorrow Sanks and I leave at a ridiculously early hour to get to Honolulu!

I've not needed a break this bad since I-don't-know-when. Honestly, at this point I'm repeating every few minutes, "It's ok, Charity. I'll have an entire week without having to worry about this! I can do it! Just a few hours more..."

I did laundry today. I have cleaned my apartment for the most part. I rearranged my office area into a space MUCH more conducive to writing, which I'm hoping will encourage me more. I'm glad I was able to, because I was thinking I might "need" a new desk -- this arrangement is way more than satisfactory, though.

I still have bunches of work to do before I'm able to leave, though, so this can't be a terribly long post. I'm excited to say that I've bought a couple of books on writing, though, and I'm looking forward to trying this out. My first step is to get internets at my house full-time though. Yes, that will definitely be nice. And I think it's a justifiable expense, especially now that I don't get TV.

I know money isn't everything, but I sure wish I had enough money so that I didn't get stressed out about $50 a month. :-(

HAWAII!!!!

(See how much it helps?!?)

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh..

I was supposed to go to the theatre tonight. I was so excited about learning how to do lights. Then Sanks had come to town, so we were hanging out, and then I cooked dinner for him, and then he took FOREVER at Marshall's picking out swim trunks and towels so he was late to my house, and I was trying to rearrange my furniture because I'm leaving Sunday night (basically) and I don't want my neighbor to wander through a nasty house to feed my cats and also I don't want to leave my cats in a disaster area...

So I forgot to go.

[Sigh]

What does it all mean?

I love performing, but I am continuing to feel not-ok about this whole nonsense. I mean, did I just forget? Or do I want to quit? The decision is really difficult since I love performing but the main people either hate me or are disinterested, and this flaking out is NOT going to help my image at the theatre. And how can I improve if I'm constantly fighting even to be noticed? I feel like they're not on my side anymore. I REALLY need this vacation to Hawaii. Maybe I'll just stay there. Wow. That is tempting, I must admit.

Fresh and Clean

I'm thinking of getting calling cards!! How fun!

I like these the best. Etsy is super.

I need to straighten my desk at work. I've been trying to clean up my life a little. The kitchen is fabulous, and I've managed to keep it CLEAN for 4 days now, I'm happy to say. The bathroom has been mostly clean this whole time (it's just SO TINY that it gets cluttered). However, the bedroom and living room of my apartment are a real challenge. Mostly because everything that doesn't fit into the kitchen, bathroom, and living room is stacked up in the bedroom, and because I haven't been able to put together my new bookshelf yet so all the stuff that needs to be ON the bookshelf in the living room is stacked up on the floor and on my desk. And on my couch. And since I need the room for making the bookshelf, everything from the middle of the room is stacked around my desk as well. Yeah, a huge mess.

Plus, poor cats. I'll be leaving for HAWAII and I'm so flustered right now that I haven't even asked anyone to cat sit. I HATE asking people for things. I always feel self-conscious (why would they do anything for ME?) and embarrassed (they're just doing this because I asked and they can't think of a way to get out of it). I know, not very productive thinking. Oh well.

I guess I'll go clean my desk now. I need to get my office organized since I'll be gone all next week. TO HAWAII. :-)

[Sigh of relief] This is going to be awesome.

Ok, let me not be lazy.

Today has been ok. I've been off all day. It's strange. It's like, skeptical? or hesitant? or confused? It's hard to describe. Not cynical or bitter, not angry or sad... Uncertainty I think. Hmm.

I have these ideas for my blog, but I don't know what to do with them. I'd like to spend more time on my blog. Wow, just thinking about doing that full-time is SUPER exciting! I'm not sure how I could make THAT work, though. Nikki is trying to get me to do more with my writing, and I totally agree that it is a great idea. I bought a book called "The Portable MFA in Creative Writing" and in what I read, they basically said, like Nikki, that unless you're David Sedaris, no one is going to buy a book of personal essays, which is really my preferred medium. Back to the drawing board! The book also suggested that having a popular blog, or stories published in magazines, will also up your chances of getting a foot in the publisher's door. So now I just need to figure out how to get my foot into magazine publishers' doors, I guess...

It's scary to think about all this. I keep hearing that little voice in the back of my head saying "You're crazy if you think you are good enough at writing to get people to read your stuff. And who cares about your personal stories?" But I'm like, um, a few people that I know of. What's the harm in thinking there might be more?

Here's my thinking. If Augusten Burroughs can get "Running With Scissors" which I HATED published, surely I can get a little SOMETHING published! Yikes. Scary. But my recent favorite quote is:

Great love and great achievements require great risk. -Anonymous

So yeah, better get on that shizz. And at worst, I have an excuse not to go to the gym tonight! Oh wait... That's not good.

The good is that LOST is finally over. It's like my heroin. I hated having to watch it but I LOVED IT SO MUCH. Like anything on Bravo. Luckily my cable cut off so I couldn't watch my crack. And now that there's no more heroin, I might finally be able to detox from TV. Leaving me at least one FULL night to write. Must. Take. Advantage. Of. Opportunity...

Today.

I haven't done much, but I've reformatted all of my blogs, so shut up about it already!!

Yes.

One more reason I love marriedtothesea.com:


marriedtothesea.com

You know, it's amazing. It's like there's a new reason every day!!!

What a weekend?

This past weekend definitely DOES NOT qualify as one of my apparently bi-monthly Relaxation Weekend o'10s! Argh. It's not that the weekend was bad, it just left me feeling wiped out. I needed a Relaxation Weekend o'10 is what I'm saying, but what I got was a Crazy-ass Crazy Weekend o'10. Highlights:

Friday: Went out with an old friend I hadn't seen in years, literally. That was awesome, but I heard the craziest drama from my old job! I mean, involving lawyers, and gang wars at country club weddings, and terminations of employment left and right. It was pretty crazy. So the good news is that me having one too many (pitchers of) margaritas at my first graduation party was not the reason my former boss never called me to babysit again. Unfortunately, it reminded me that she never called me to babysit again, and I really love the girl I used to babysit. Babysitting also satisfied my annoying and illogical baby-making impulse for quite a while, and now I'm starting to be tormented by it again. Which is not being helped by the fact that everywhere I turn a friend of mine is either having a baby, having another baby, or bragging on their baby/kid. I GET IT! Your kid is awesome! Families are awesome! You know what? So are PhDs and margaritas! Please just let me sit back and enjoy my pleasures in life without feeling like a total loser! OK, let me stop. It's my issue, not theirs. [Deep breaths in, out, in, out...]

Saturday: The day started out grandly! I went to Hhighland Bakery with Kendra and ate to my heart's content! I saw a friend from improv eating there with his wife and was able to have a short conversation while waiting so I didn't even have to worry about any "dead" time. Brunch was fabulous and I got to wear my awesome new dress! It was awesome. So I went home and at that point things started to get weird.

I think the turning point was standing my couch up on its side so I could get to the bottom of it. While I was talking to Nikki on the phone (AWESOME! LOVE HER!) I decided to fix the upholstery on my living room furniture, which Sam and Max ripped out from the underside during their "the bottom of this furniture is our world, and we will hammock it up to our hearts' content - try and stop us" period. So I was nailing the upholstery back under the furniture frames, which led to the standing upways of my couch. Sam promptly climbed up the side of it (scratch, scratch, scratch, scratch, success!) and settled in for a nap about 1 foot from the ceiling. It was adorable, but it just wasn't "right".

So, it was off to improv for my volunteer shift. How can I say this without being a whiner ... some people need to LAY OFF THE CRYSTAL METH BEFORE TRYING TO BOSS *ME* AROUND. I'm sorry to bring this up, but "HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT." And by "Homie" I mean me, and by "play that" I mean put up with someone treating me like shit just because they have severe personality disorder(s). Seriously. That shit is NOT OK. So that pissed me off, since he's in the cast with me, and it's just that much more interpersonal drama at the theatre that I'm having to deal with AGAINST MY WILL. All signs lately have been pointing to taking up a different hobby. So now I just need to find something else. I'm thinking sewing.

I didn't get home until after 1, but that was ok since I didn't have anything to do Sunday morning! Yay! Which was wonderful, because it meant I could sleep in! Things were going great until I woke up at 2:30, 4:30, 6:30, 6:45, 7:00, 7:30, 7:45, 8:00, and then finally at 8:10, when I just gave up and got out of bed.

Sunday: By Sunday I was exhausted. I went to get frozen yogurt with Kendra and Ali, another friend I haven't seen in some time. It was fun, but every time I see people from Sociology, it reminds me how far away I truly am from them, which makes me sad, and makes me wonder what I'm moving TOWARDS, since I'm clearly moving AWAY from so many things... I also found out that yet ANOTHER of my male friends is getting married. I'm happy for him, but it makes me really sad for a minute when I see a guy who has had worse commitment problems than me find the perfect girl who is all-too-willing to put up with potential bullshit later down the line in exchange for a wedding. Whereas, I am clearly damaged goods. [Sigh]

So last night, after watching the WIZ (5 stars plus one million bonus stars) and the end of Deep Impact, I tried to do some straightening up around the house, but I ended up basically leaving the house looking like I've just moved in. It will be worth it in the end, bit right now it's just one more thing on my "Honey-Do" list. If I only had a "Honey" to "Do" all those things....

From Daddy's Camera: Graduation o'10

Graduation!

Fun times. I'll post photos as soon as possible. In the meantime, enjoy:

Ever have so much to say

That you can't say anything?

That's me right now. Argh.

That's just the way it is!!

Some things will never change.

I had a great time in NYC after all that. Baxter is amazing! His project was a very neat game, and he curated a great show of the other Masters' Theses. The opening reception was super fun, and their cook out the next night was as super fun if not more super fun. Austin's parents came into town and they are really fun people, too. Yes, so basically: fun.

Highlights: Mom and I went to the same Mexican restaurant Thursday and Friday. They have amazing food (Pequena), and what's more, they had buy one, get one free margaritas! Yummmmmmmmmmmm. That was fun on Thursday, before we went to MoMA, where they were having an intriguing exhibit by performance artist Marina Abramović. Afterwards, we went to Baxter's/Parsons' Opening Reception for the Thesis Symposium.

Friday after our margaritas, we were going to go to Coney Island but that, um, didn't work out. Mom went to Baxter and Austin's adorable apartment to nap, and since I was in the mood for some exercise, I walked to the park for my nap. It was such a lovely day, truly.

I wandered back in time to help get ready for the cookout. Hilariously, we must have made about 15 trips to the corner store between us.

"Oh, we need to get the meat!"

"Oh, we need beer!"

"Oh, I need to get Guinness because I don't like lagers!"

"Oh, we need mayonnaise and ketchup!"

"Oh, we forgot tin foil!"

"Oh, we need more beer!"

It was wonderful. Baxter and Austin love their friends sooooo much, and every time I meet more of them, I understand why. They are very good hosts, too. The next morning I was feeling a bit ill all day. I almost lost it in the Metro, but managed to hold on to it. Mom and I barely made it to the keynote address by Baxter's own boss at the Symposium, but luckily we were able to hear most of it. What a great presentation! No wonder Baxter likes his job and his boss so much. Afterwards, we stopped by a restaurant with Austin's awesome parents, where I had soup and about 13 glasses of water (mmmm) since I couldn't ingest anything more at the moment.

After we got to the airport, I had a slice of pizza, since I was feeling better, and anyway, I can ALWAYS have a slice of pizza. I said goodbye to Mom at her gate where she waited for her connection to Greensboro and then my SWEET friend Chris Cap Hayes - who is also a brilliant improv artist and comedian - picked me up.

[Photos of the trip]

Sunday I was supposed to go to the High/Zoo but I really couldn't do it. I had to do laundry, go grocery shopping, pretend to clean for a significant amount of time, and play with my cats. Oh, and watch Series Two of The Catherine Tate Show, of course.

Hopefully I'll be able to get together with them another time. We had our last class together last night and it was really "so hard... to say goodbye... yesterday..." The good news is that several of them are planning to take the follow up courses, but we all need to wait, so hopefully we'll still be able to be in classes together again! We did scene studies last night. It was really fun, but I feel bad for my partner because I felt like a LUMP on a LOG. My energy was just about gone. I know, surprise! Oh, did I mention that we had a small event, a focus group meeting, and another meeting at work Monday and then I had to go to rehearsal from 9 until 11, after working out with Katie after work? And that Tuesday I had a staff meeting? Oh, I didn't? Well, I did. I am CRAZY TIRED. But happy.

COMMENCEMENT IS IN FIVE DAYS!!!!! Boo-yah.

Closing the safety pin.

Mom suggested the title. Draw your own conclusions.

Going to MoMA today and then to Baxter's genius show. More on that later. In the meantime, I'm off to tourist land!

Mom and I are dressed up pretty, which is fun (since we're going to a reception later this evening and can't come all the way back to Brooklyn to change, so this will be fun, like when people used to get dressed up to see the town. I would miss those days if I had ever experienced them).

I miss my friends in Atlanta but we went out last night for South African curry, so that was pretty fun, too. :-) I really like Brooklyn so I'm glad my bro and sis-in-law moved here, but also I know that's like the cherry on top of NYC so I know they're never coming back South now. Also Baxter told me I embarrassed him by acting like a jokester smart-ass at the restaurant. I love him. He is just stressed out. And I'm not actually worried about it anyway, since I wouldn't have acted any different anyway. It's weird growing up and growing into yourself, especially when your siblings grow into themselves in totally different ways! The cord is officially cut. Between me and him, not me and my mom. :-)

Sunday I might go to the zoo or the High with some Acting friends. It's fun to have more friends. I should try to make even more.

Ok, well, off on our NYC adventure! Wish us luck.

I miss you friends! I miss you cats! I will be home soon.

One loooooooooong weekend, coming up!

I'm going to NYC tomorrow with Mom! I will be so glad to have a distraction from the fact that for the fourth time out of five months (or more), my checking account is overdrawn. Ergh. BLEGH!

NYC, Baxter, and Austin, here we come!

Weird.

I spoke with some of my acupuncturists about something like this in our interviews. My mom found an ad for it in the Sky Mall magazine. Weird.

Timely news release

I've long felt conflicted about the Georgia Aquarium and this about sums up why:



Having grown up visiting the wonderful North Carolina Aquarium (Wikipedia) and North Carolina Zoo (Wikipedia), it is often hard to see the other zoos and aquariums without suspicion.

I mean seriously. The Georgia Aquarium serves Fish and Chips in their Cafe and they aren't even from sustainable fisheries or anything. And it's like a huge advertisement for their corporate sponsors (especially Home Depot, whose founder founded the aquarium) despite being among the most expensive to visit in the country.

And yet, it's so much fun. The modern world is so conflicted.

How YOU doin'?

Yesterday's trips to the CNN Center, the High, and the Botanical Garden were relatively awesome. We didn't make it to the Zoo, so I'm hoping I'll be able to make it out there next Sunday.

Today's Drew's birthday AND the character workshop, so I know tonight will be fun. I'm disappointed in my current progress with the character I'm working on, but it's just a start, so I'm not going to worry too much.

Wednesday I'm going to NYC! With my Mom! To visit my brother and sister-in-law! And see my brother's video game show! All exciting things. It will be super nice to get out of Atlanta for a minute.

Today I'm at work, though, and it's driving me bananas. I need a new job. One that doesn't force me to take 5 minute blogging breaks to write about how I need a new job.

Wish me luck.

Acting, Perfeckly.

This weekend I was supposed to do some things. For the first time in a long time, I had homework. I was supposed to get my car estimated a couple more times, and I have to basically write and come up with a Director's plan for a monologue-turned-scene in my acting class. Yesterday I went to the aquarium and the World of Coke, and then watched Sweeney Todd aka Yummiest Grossness, and then went to an Improv show -- great show, although the energy was kind of down. It's hard on stage when the audience doesn't have much energy, and you're tired -- it makes the whole thing twice as difficult.

Today I'm going to the zoo, then the CNN Center, and then the Botanical Gardens. We might go to the High -- I don't know! I don't know if we're going to have time! (Old School shout out)

So, not much time for homework, I guess, although Sanks and I have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff, so I don't feel like I've been wasting time or anything.

Tomorrow at Improv rehearsal, we're doing a character workshop. We are going to take on different characters, and then take a field trip AS those characters. Drew and I have been debating taking the opportunity to try new ones, but the one I want to try might flop and then I'd be stuck as her for two hours! Maybe in two hours she would have time to "rise from the flop" though. :-) Maybe I'll try a zombie!

Charity :-)

Happy, happy, JOY! JOY!

Don't worry. Be happy.


My car is fine. He has a little mash-up, but I love him anyway. And since I simply don't have $1300, I think I'll just wait on getting him fixed. Bless his little heart. 


I went to the Improv Studies show last night, which was AWESOME. These folks are so talented! They played some really tough games, and knocked them out of the park/theatre! I was so proud, as if their achievement somehow was part mine. Love you guys!


Now I'm at work, which is sucking, but whatever. Tonight I'm volunteering at the theatre, with DREW, which will be terrific! So, Ha! Ha! Universe! THAT'S what happens when you find a stranger in the alps, Universe. 


Oh, yeah. Did I tell you we went bowling Monday night? Awesome. Love the apprentice cast! I need to leave work before it pushes me into the dark oblivion of angry madness. Must... Escape... In time today...

Ouch, Addendum.

My car was hit yesterday while I was at work. And of course it would be silly for someone to have taken responsibility and left a note.

AWESOME.

There goes another $1000 + that I DON'T HAVE.

Update:

$1300

Ouch.

Cramps. You're welcome for the details.

I'm going to acting class and I haven't learned my monologue yet.

I bowled like a 38 last night. Although I got two strikes and a spare in the next game.

I woke up at 8:45 to be at work at 9:00 this morning.

Ouch.

Update: Relaxation Weekend O' Ten, Number Two, Day Three, Part Two.

Sorry for the tardiness, but my internet connection isn't what it once was now that I've stopped paying for one. Last night I write a short (SHORT) story from my childhood, which made me feel really (REALLY) good. I won't post it here, though. If you'd like to read it, let me know and I'll send you a copy.

I am at work now. Plowing through the inevitable pile of blegh. I need to find a new job. This much is clear. One thing I keep being reminded of (situationally AND verbally) is that no one or thing can make me happy -- I have to make myself happy. Thus, I'm going to make an effort to do so.

Wish me luck! Goodbye Relaxation Weekend O' Ten Number Two, and HELLO MONDAY!

Charity :-)

Update: Relaxation Weekend O' Ten, Number Two, Day Three, Part One.

I just got back from seeing my friend Sebastian in a play at the Woodruff Arts Center! Very much fun indeed. I was pleased to find out when I arrived that not only was I an hour early, but also, Sebastian was wandering around with a camera, and asked me to serve as "videographer" since they wanted to record the show. Ka-ching! 100% off ticket? Yes, please!

In my 30 minute "break" I took a walk around the Woodruff Arts Center, which is quite lovely. I couldn't go to the High unfortunately (my membership expired 18 days ago, I kid you now) but I COULD go to the High Cafe after wandering for 20 minutes, and drink a glass of wine! Actually, though, it was a plastic cup of wine, and it's hard for me to call it wine since all they had left was the pink stuff, so it was more like a spritzer, but nevertheless, it was a relaxing time. I was also happy that I was finally able to take a closer look at the Lichtenstein piece in the Arts Center Plaza, and I discovered that it was even more interesting than I thought!

Anyway, all that to say, it's now 5:30 and I still haven't devised a suitable end to Relaxation Weekend o' Ten, Number Two, but I'm working on it. I just cleaned about 6 pints of pollen off my porch couch, and so I'm going to sit on it and finish my leftover pizza and fresh beer first and then see what I feel like.

After seeing that play I was struck with the desire to write my stories again, but I'll have to see how that goes. It's my next project, but I would love to have a job I loved first...

Update: Relaxation Weekend O' Ten, Number Two, Day Two.

Ahhh, the sweet feeling of sweet relaxation. This is the perfect staycation for me right now. Today I slept until almost noon. By the time I woke up both cats were posted on my bed staring at me, meowing if I made any attempt -- however slight -- to open my eyes. Then I heated up leftovers for lunch from yesterday's veggie enchilada fiesta, cracked open a mid-afternoon beer (yes, relaxation weekend has its perks!) and started Seven Samurai. Now this movie is amazing, but I had to take a slight break from it (so far it's been on for 2 hours and 15 minutes and the bandits haven't even attacked yet) to check my special lady friend Drew's blog about her mainstage debut last night. After reading her super exciting blog, I was so excited that I wanted to post one, too! I also found out this afternoon that tonight is another apprentice cast member's mainstage debut! Don Patton in the house, ladies and gents!

Sigh. What bliss. Now I will return to the film. I love Akira Kurosawa. It looks like the main challenge of this weekend is to keep moving up the awesomeness scale rather than settle for the same old high level of awesomeness. I'm thinking crafts might come into play in a few minutes...

Cheers!
Charity :-)

Update: Relaxation Weekend O' Ten, Number Two, Day One.

Right now, I'd love to be at the theatre, because Drew is in her first mainstage show, ROCKING IT I'm sure. Unfortunately, after the week I had, I needed a mental sanity day. Thus, I have dedicated this weekend as Relaxation Weekend O' Ten Number Two.

Today I have done the following:

• I saved an inchworm from certain death.
• I finally got our website live at work! I've been working on it for many many moons now, and am pleased to share with you my success.
• I got my oil changed and my engine air filter replaced.
• I got my car washed.
• I drank a margarita with lunch and ate some veggie enchiladas (YUMM-O) at one of my favorite restaurants.
• I read almost 100 pages of The Art of Racing in the Rain, which Katie loaned me forever ago and which I am totally in need of reading right now.
• I remembered to feed my friend's cat and in so doing enjoyed about 5 minutes of stranger-cat-love until he rolled back into his “I'm King Cat” pose and promptly scratched the hell out of my hand. (Nice. Thanks.)
• I watched 2 AMAZING films that I have had from Netflix for over a month. Pinky, which I've been wanting to see since forever, and Gentlemen's Agreement, which I've also been wanting to see for forever. Both of them are super radical films for their time, I think. Pinky deals with a woman who was passing as white, and Gentlemen's Agreement was about a guy (THANK YOU Gregory Peck! Hats off to you and your awesomeness) who writes an article about anti-semitism and pretends to be Jewish while doing so. Both of them were so awesome. I didn't really like the ending of Gentlemen's Agreement, most likely since Gregory Peck did not wind up with me in the end, but I thought that overall both were excellent. Of course, both were directed by Elia Kazan, so obviously. I LOVE HIM.

Now, if you know me, you are probably thinking to yourself, “Hmm, this sounds like more than Charity ever gets done on a Friday afternoon or any afternoon or any entire weekend, for that matter,” and you would be making a very astute observation. In fact, I don't. And I realized it's because my life is so $#%!@#!@#ing STRUCTURED right now, that I literally have no time to just relaaaaaaaaaax. Hence, Relaxation Weekends/Weeknights o' Ten!!! And it was amazing. The minute I was like, “@#$ it, this week is dead to me. IT'S THE WEEKEND, BABY!!!!” I became extremely efficient and productive. I mean, I left out the parts where I went to the liquor store for beer, made dinner, and got caught up on reading my friends' blogs!!!

This has been very interesting. This productive relaxation thing. In therapy this week we kind of talking about it a little. How, before I was so depressed thinking that no one would even notice if I died in my sleep since my human contact was so sporadic, to knowing that if I died in my sleep people would notice because a great number of them would probably be pissed off at me for missing something “important.”

It's all about balance, my therapist said. That's why she gets paid the big bucks, I guess. Not from me, obviously. But from someone.

I'm going to go watch Seven Samurai. Or take a bath. Or vaccuum. Or go straight to bed. The beauty is that I don't even know what I'm going to do next!

This is looking good.

Projects

This blog has become less fun. First of all, no one reads it. Second of all, there is one person who reads it and insists on posting creepy comments that I have had to filter out now, which is a pain, and which given the low readership, is even MORE annoying. Third, I'm feeling very scattered lately. I'm never home. Literally, I'm at rehearsal of some kind at least three nights a week, and on the others, I'm sometimes volunteering at one, performing at one, and/or attending a friend's show at one. It makes for absolutely no time. Plus, I have to watch LOST and Real Housewives of NYC on two others. As you can see, that adds up to more than 7 days, meaning I'm usually double booked. It's literally wearing me down.

Plus, my dissertation advisor was in a bicycle accident, so he can't hood me in the graduation ceremony. I know I'm being selfish, but I really wanted him there. He's been such an amazing advisor. Even though he's so central to the department, and even though I've long felt alienated from it, he's always reached out to me and he's always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself (which was approximately 92% of the time). In the past 10 years, I've grown immensely and he's been so important to that. I honestly consider him like a third father. So yeah, I was disappointed. And also, worried!

So I'm tired. I'm going through my journals because I've been cataloging my improv and acting journals and recently came across one from college. Wow, I really have grown up. I usually feel like a kid who doesn't know what's going on and doesn't have any control over my life, but I realize now that not only do I really have that power, but I really DO feel in control most of the time. I'd love to get the writings from my journals all consolidated. My grandmother was trying to write her memoirs before she died, I remember. I really wish she would have. She had an amazing life. I don't fancy my life as amazing, but I do think that it would be nice to read it myself someday, even if I don't have kids. And I recently read the memoirs of my paternal great-great aunt, which didn't mention any of my direct kin, but found it fascinating. Of course, I'm not from a holler in southeastern Virginia, but I think North Carolina is pretty good, too.

And honestly, when I log on to Blogger I usually have to read about 8 blog entries from my friends, so by the time I finish that I basically want to log off and I basically have to anyway, since that takes me about an hour.

So it is what it is. I may remove this blog, actually, and add it to my stack of journals. But I'll probably just leave it up and post random videos and photos and things. Anyway, I won't be investing much time in it anymore, I reckon. But thanks for whatever.

xo,
Charity

DENTIST DAY!!!

On the agenda for today: 1 new filling, 4 replacement fillings (white for silver; drilling still required, unfortunately), and 2 sealants. Yikes. The dentist informed me it would only take an hour, but I thought about it and now am terrified rather than relieved, because I realize she means 60 minutes of drilling around and giving shots while my weary jaw remains propped open with some kind of metal/plastic contraption. Mon dieu.

Yikes.

I'm going to the dentist today.

Relaxation Weeknight o-10!

Oh yeah, and I forgot it's Relaxation Weeknight o-10!! No wonder I feel amazing!! :-)

Ready? O! K!

I feel oodles better. Probably for several reasons.

1) Sunday night we had an improv gig at an Oscar Party! Several of us gathered in a tiny corral blocked off by red velvet rope, flashing filmless cameras and asking the arriving black tie attendees who they were wearing and if we could have their autographs. Quite possibly the funnest improv gig yet. It was so rewarding, too, because the people LOVED IT. Very satisfying for all involved. Plus, it was at Pricci, which I LOVE and where Sanks took me on our first big date after he got back from India and we decided to give it another try.

2) Which brings me to my second point. Namely, Sanks! He makes me feel better. (I'm turning into a sap. PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!) The one year anniversary of our first date is coming up this month. It's hard to believe. Of course, we were apart for several months, but I don't care about the technicalities. I'm just so thankful that he's in my life. It feels good to get that out of my system. Thanks for listening. :-)

3) Since Sanks lives in NC most of the time I didn't get to see him last weekend. Sad, yes, but the lack of ANY obligations was quite enjoyable for me, as I spent ALL DAY Saturday in bed. I know people say that, and what they mean is that they woke up late morning, stayed in their pajamas, maybe even ate cereal in bed or something, curled up on the couch and watched TV, went to the bathroom - you know, the usual. Well I LITERALLY slept until 5 pm. I could have stayed in bed, too, but I didn't feel comfortable sleeping THROUGH Saturday and into Sunday. It just didn't seem right. So I woke up and went to eat at La Fonda with my girlfriend Katie. Then we hung out at Borders for probably an hour (I LOVE that about her - that she can stay as long as me and be perfectly content!). Then I went home and crawled back into bed. Sunday I awoke feeling refreshed - FINALLY - and went to church! It was great. I haven't been in way too long, and I really do love my church.

4) Katie and I work out together, and since I've been sick I haven't felt up to it. However, after my doozie of a sleep fest this weekend, I finally had the energy to pick it back up again! It's been so nice going to work out with Katie the past two nights.

5) Tomorrow I have to work at Whole World, which I wasn't expecting. I don't mind, though, because since I missed rehearsal last week I've been feeling quite deprived. Also, rehearsal was cancelled for this week, since there is a private show Thursdays (Mainstage Cast does the private shows, so the Apprentice Cast doesn't perform unfortunately). So I'm glad I get to go down there and make sure it's all under control. :-)

6) I'm all ready for the next time I perform, though. I got my hair cut today!! It looks pretty much the same, which is kind of disappointing, except for the fact that it looks the same because it's a great haircut... I also bought a new hair dryer and flat iron because I was feeling like a little girl that needed a new toy or two. Plus they were on sale (although I really shouldn't have - really).

7) Which brings me to my next point. No, not security (Oh come on, haven't you seen Waiting for Guffman???!). Student loans. Yuck. I finally made my move though. I called those little buggers and told them that they better process my income sensitive repayment plan changes and quick, because like I've been telling them for the past three months "I CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY $900 A MONTH ON THESE BAD BOYS." I think I MAY have gotten them to understand this time (fingers crossed, prayers said).

8) Since I was doing that adult stuff today, I went ahead and made a doctor's appointment and a dentist's appointment. I know, it sounds pretty mundane, but this is a HUGE step for me. I've been putting it off since I graduated, since I have ALWAYS gone to University Health Services, either at Emory or UNCA. Big step. Well, the dentist is different, but I have to switch dentists, too, since they changed my insurance, so this is new, too! How exciting!

9) Life is not all work though. This weekend (meaning Sunday afternoon), I called some friends of mine to catch up. Yay! I spoke with the Elliotts via Skype for the first time. They've been trying to get me on there for some time. It was awesome. Like, are they *IN* the computer?! (Please don't tell me you haven't seen Zoolander either...)

So until the next time, peace and blessings to all of you. Please, if you are so inclined, keep my friend Drew and my boss Nan and her family in your prayers. Nan's daughter is very sick an she and her husband took a much-needed trip to MADRID (my favorite place in the universe) this week. It was already scheduled and they felt very hesitant but I'm so glad they decided to go anyway. They need to recharge desperately. Also Drew is not feeling 100% and needs to do a little rebounding herself.

Love,
Charity :-)

Stuff and things.

I'm siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

Three days at home on the couch... I tried to go to work today but my boss sent me home. Glegh.

Did I already say Glegh? Because Glegh.

Update: last week

My headshots DID come in time to be posted on the wall for my show last week, AND my show was actually fun AND good! Yay for life working out and being easy sometimes!!!

Survey says!

I am drinking a coke. Yes, caffeine, high fructose corn syrup, pure sugar calories. And you know what? It's delicious.

I weighed myself this morning and have lost five pounds since I started working out and watching what I eat. Yay! I swear I thought I was living in the twilight zone because nothing I did seemed to make a difference. Until today! Yesterday I did yoga when I got home from work, and then went to the gym and walked on a treadmill and climbed on the stairmaster. When I got home I made spaghetti and put some not-chicken nuggets on it. YUM!

When I came home, I watched LOST. Awesome. I think I'm going to end up buying the whole series someday. I just love it. I especially love this whole "no more questions; only answers" approach, because now as I'm watching I'm realizing that there were so many questions I had forgotten most of them! Thus, I want to go back and watch earlier episodes to catch up on the questions!

I have been stressed out as heck this week - for one reason after another, I really don't want to go into it right now - so Sanks suggested last night that this weekend become, officially, "Happy Happy Joy Joy Weekend o-10" (I actually came up with the title, but the ideas were mostly his). We're going go-karting, and video-arcading, and maybe even batting-caging! I have a lot of work to do, too, so while I'm doing that, he will go skeet shooting with his friends. I know he's excited because we'll be spending time with his friends, and he has been frustrated that he feels obligated to divide his time between me and them, rather than spending time with us together. I'm actually excited about it, too, since his friends are really fun! They just are usually doing stuff like travelling (which I can't afford), clubbing (which I hate and can't afford) or going to house parties (which I hate). So now he has stumbled upon something we all like!! Yay, Sanks!

I really love Tuesdays now. I have made it my official "Relaxation Weeknight o-10." I am always at the theatre Mondays and Wednesdays, frequently at the theatre on Thursdays, and sometimes on Friday and/or Saturdays. So yeah, I really love Tuesday nights.

Oh, and last night Ricky Gervais was on The Daily Show to talk about his new HBO show, The Ricky Gervais Show. I watched the first episode of the show and was soooooooooo excited. It's an animated version of the very fist podcast - the first episode of the first season - of his show with Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Hilarious! (Image from the HBO website)

And yes, the title of this blog IS meaningless.
Charity

My next project?

So, I'm trying to decide whether and where and when to take acting classes. It is something I would very much like to do, so I guess "whether" isn't really part of the question, but the others are serious questions needing serious answers.

Also, I watched Wink and a Smile yesterday, and now I want to take Burlesque lessons, too. I honestly feel like someday I will finally have learned most of what I want to learn, performance-wise. I'm excited to be in the "performance" mode now. I missed being on stage and am totally enjoying it. Maybe I WILL take belly dancing lessons someday!!

Here's the video I want:



Awesome! I think I need more make-up though.

Attitude adjustment.

Ok, so I MAY have an attitude problem today. That MAY have been lingering since Monday.

It's not good, because I have a show tonight. I need to get my head in the game, and quit, um, having my head not in the game.

It's just, I had a terrible experience with improv Monday night, which I catalogued in my Improv Blog, and then last night I worked with some folks on a game I struggle with: Repeat Scene. These two things did not really combine to make me feel that "I can DO this!!" feeling that I normally have about improv. So now, I'm not so much nervous as anxious about tonight.

And also, my head shots won't come in the mail until tomorrow.

Blegh.

(See how I need to get out of this funk?!?!)

Trying to get happy!

For Kimberly.

Unmentionable

I am depressed. Actually, not really depressed so much as filled with seething, inexplicable rage.

I don't know why. This is one of those days where I wished there was an "Answer Key" to my life and I could consult it, find out what my deal is, and fix that poo. Unfortunately there is not one. So here I am, looking and feeling and acting like a crazy person, with my eye twitching and my legs both bouncing up and down, shaking my head back and forth. Grrrr...

I have some ideas about why I'm feeling this way, actually. I'll deal with it in a few hours, but in the meantime I need my ridiculous anger to get me to work a few hours out of spite, grimacing and growling all the way.

I'll fill you in later. I PROMISE.

Waiting for Baxter at a bar in Union Square

At the Tim Burton special MoMA exhibit.

Something not at all awesome.

I will have $6.00 in my bank account when my outstanding bills are paid. FOR THE MONTH.

Luckily my medicine is paid for through my FSA, or I'd be very very depressed here in a little bit.

I need to wait to write more. I'm still pretty much in shock.

Sigh.

UPDATE: I realized that is how much I will have in my account IF I buy the awesome pair of boots I found on Zappos.com. Hmm... Well, $6.00 is still SOME money, so I can afford them, right?

Wha....!?!

I just noticed that in all of 2009 I only had 17 posts. Hilarious. Not my most fertile year.

Yargh.

Good news: I started taking my medicine and feel much better. Bad news: my friends don't feel better and my boss is stuck in DC with her sick daughter. I want to work out but I want to stay home with the cats. I'm confused and I miss my sweet BF, since we were having a very tense time until the day before he left to go back to NC for two weeks.

MEH!

Bad news: I'm still at work. Good news: LOST is on tonight and I have some great photos to post of my awesome trip last weekend. Oh, and this week it's SHOWTIME!!

Charity :-)

Warning: entering therapy step-down!

Not the best time of my life to forget to take my medicine, I'll admit. Unfortunately I find myself in this situation, while preparing to go on a whirlwind trip to NYC with my boyfriend right before Valentine's Day, my least favorite holiday, and a few months before the one-year mark, historically my least favorite anniversary. In fact, I've never even been in a relationship that long. Ever. Oh, and I'm not sleeping enough, I'm falling behind at work, and I'm on my period. Awesome.

So basically, what better time to begin distancing myself from therapy and forgetting to take my medicines?! Looks like someone might be trying to self-sabotage again...

I need to go update my zombie blog I think. It's much less depressing.

Hello?!?

OMG, how could I forget?

It's freaking GROUNDHOG DAY!!!

Unfortunately, Punxsutawney Phil DID see his shadow again, so 6 more weeks of winter. But at least one of my favorite movies is on Bravo: GROUNDHOG DAY! Sweet.

Charity :-)

PS-Don't forget your booties 'coz it's COLD OUT THERE!

Egggggcellent.

I don't really have anything eggcellent to say, although Sanks and I went to Flying Biscuit this weekend and I got some sort of Eggcellent something or other. Anyway, it was gross. I keep thinking I like eggs, since I like eggs, but in fact, I don't really like eggs. Yes, I'm confused about the whole "egg" thing, too.

I was supposed to go work out with Katie this evening. We have a regular Tuesday date to work out while watching the Biggest Loser. I've been quite enjoying it. However, I've been torn all day because what I really want to do is make a huge pot of chili, get some beer, guacamole, and tortilla chips, and watch LOST. This obviously conflicted in every way with my previous plans. However, due to unforeseen unfortunate work obligations of Katie's, she is unable to go to the gym, hence: PLAN B IT IS! No, not the failed birth control option. The literal plan B.

So I'm psyched. In keeping with my current psychodalia, I also caught up on my sweet friend's blog and realized that I have a new nickname: Double C. It might not sound like much, but I've always been flattered by nicknames. My inner child feels validated that someone likes me enough to give me a pet name. She feels special, so I feel special.

I need to go home now. I may post something a bit more meaningful later, but I probably won't. Today is too awesome for blog-writing. :-)

By the way, Sanks sent me a link to this hilarious "sitcom" made by guerrilla actors/filmmakers in California and I'm posting it so you can enjoy it, too. I could say awesome again, but I think it will actually go without saying after you watch it. It would probably be more appropriate to say "eggcellent" anyway, at this point.

Charity :)

Verizon: Never Again!!!

I have been getting letters from Verizon begging me to upgrade my plan--the most recent was a few days ago and promised me a $30 credit on my next bill and no contract extension. I asked on their website via "Live Chat" if they had any information on it, since I was prescient enough to know the website was not a place to try to upgrade if I had anything out of the ordinary to do (this I learned from a previous experience with Verizon Wireless that I can't even go into right now. I don't have the energy or strength in my fingers for a story that long). No, he said, I would need to call customer service. He gave me the number.

Poor Tamra, who was unlucky enough to answer my call, walked me through the ways that my bill would change, and really ridiculous charges, etc. It was a much longer experience than it should have been, largely because my bill next month would be more expensive than my bill this month (if I hadn't gone over by about 400 minutes...) AND more expensive than the new plan, even. Poor Tamra. THAT was difficult to explain. Then I asked about the $30 credit.

"I don't have record that we mailed you a letter." Funny, since it had my phone number, name, and address on it. "Well, we outsource some of our marketing so it could be that they sent it. Was there another number on the letter?" Well, maybe, but it's at home now and I'm at work. "Well, you can call us back. We're open until 11 tonight." I don't want to upgrade without the $30 credit, Tamra, and I sure don't want to use my apparently precious minutes to call and be led through another conversational rope course about it. On a Friday night. "Well, I'm sorry-it's not that I don't believe you got the letter. You probably did. But there's no way I can give you a credit on your bill. It won't be approved."

You know what? Thanks for the vote of confidence, Tamra, but don't bother upgrading my plan. I'll just get a couple of tin cans and a rope.

today is going swimmingly!

This morning when I was on my way out the door (15 minutes late, as usual), I saw the package that had arrived yesterday that I assumed was for my upstairs neighbor, as I do not have packages delivered to my apartment (too much temptation for the crackheads, you see) and they apparently order online at least 4 days a week, since there always seems to be a package waiting for them on my porch (I know, very disheartening).

But the package had my name on it!

"What the heck could this be?" I wondered, since I never get packages delivered to my apartment.

I didn't recognize the sender, but thankfully the post office had already sliced through the top of it, perhaps to make sure it didn't have a bomb in it (thank you so much for your concern about my safety!), so I could see that it contained three thin letter-size paperback books.

"Hmm..." I wondered. I opened the package on the porch (like I said, I *never* get packages at home!) and...

My dissertation had arrived in printed form! Hooray! I wish I could paste a .gif of fireworks without looking like a douchebag, because that's what it felt like.

I've been on cloud 9 all day. Of course, I only read the epilogue and acknowledgements, and I've already found a typo, but who cares!? The cover says, "Graduation Date: 2009" which is last year! Not next week, not three years from now, but a previous date!

So while I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up, at least I have proof that 1) I have a PhD bitches, 2) I'm a good writer, and 3) I can construct a logical and innovative theory and back it up with data using appropriate methods of study.

Sweet.

sink or swim.

Well, hello there.

It has been forever, I guess. At least a few months, that is. Since then I've been doing my improv, working at making my job work, trying to scrape by paycheck to paycheck, so pretty much the same stuff I was doing before.

That's pretty much why I haven't updated the blog--I'm not really sure what the point is. I wish I could say I've been writing, but I haven't. I wish I could say I've been trying to find a faculty job, but I haven't been. I think at this point I am working on sustaining unsustainability as long as possible.

I know I need to get up and grab a hold of life. You know, grab the bull by its horns, step up to the plate and swing, sink or swim. It's just, it's so much easier to sink.

I don't think I'm sabotaging myself, or that I'm afraid of failing, and I'm really liking being called "the Doctor." I feel like I earned it.

But it's like, working on my dissertation was like being on a treadmill that was constantly going, going, going, and I always thought I wasn't going to make it, or just overwhelmed by fatigue. Now, the treadmill is off, so I'm just standing there. In an empty gym, staring at the walls.

I think I just don't know how to go after what I want. Maybe I never have. Gosh, how depressing, right?

In good news, I had a nice party this weekend, making Valentine's Day cards. It was a craft/tea party, so I went to Ikea and bought a tea set and tray. I've been wanting one for quite some time. It was a real treat to be able to use it. I also bought myself three bunches of flowers and combined it into a super bouquet. That's really the way to do it.

But you know me, when I go, I go big.

Ram Dass interviewing Thich Nhat Hanh

I'm currently watching Ram Dass: Fierce Grace. It's really amazing. And of course, I've loved Thich Nhat Hanh for some time. His work has really changed my life for the better.

Charity :-)

i love this song!

I posted an entry about Michelle's cat Marley on my other blog and Bob Marley came up on the YouTube. Ben used t hate Bob Marley - basically his argument was that he has become "imagey" to use Michelle's term (long story) - but the thing about that is that Ben pretty much hated everything. He was probably just going through a bad time, but maybe he just needed to listen to more Bob Marley. ;-)

good walk!

Once, a long time ago, I realized that the main reason I write in my journals is that I'm so upset and need to vent/"write things through." So it struck me that if I died, and someone was reading my journals, trying to remember the wonderful times with me, and how much they loved me, and how much I enriched their existence... they'd be inundated with entries about how bad my PMS is, and about how useless I am and how much my friends hate me, and how I have screwed up so much and so bad... It really kind of freaked me out. I know it's not best to imagine someone reading your journals after you die, since the whole point of journaling is that you're free to write what- and however you want. But anyway, so I'm trying to at least write more positive things, since in general I love my life, I don't even get really bad PMS, I am very helpful and productive at work, I've done tons of awesome things including earning a PhD, and all my friends love me, since that's kind of the definition of friendship...

So anyway, I walked to the grocery store today. It's a beautiful day! I passed by a house and a boy was lying in the front yard. When he saw me he played dead which was hilarious. Then while I was in the store, I was reminded of things I had forgotten, instead of the usual, i.e. me forgetting everything one thing at a time. Then the bagger got all my stuff into my one reusable bag, and everyone was very friendly.

As I walked home, I passed the boy again, who was actually practicing his baseball (shortstop) with his dad. AWESOME! I thought it was some sort of miracle thing that never actually happens, since the dad in people's stories is always too busy to play catch. They were having a great time, though, so I can see why the others are upset about missing it.

Then I saw my landlord and asked him about repainting my apartment for me and he totally is! And he even said I could pick out colors, and that he would take that crazy massively-chipping many-layered paint on the door OFF, and refinish the original door casings!

As if that wasn't enough, when I got home I checked my mail and I got a birthday card. With a check in it.

The other night, after improv, I went to the grocery store. I had been practicing a really cheerful, sweet character, so I wondered "Hmm, I wonder what it would be like to be in character as I walk through Kroger." By the time I got in the door, I didn't even need to be in character anymore. Being nice and being treated nicely was in itself enough to keep me feeling cheerful and happy without the character.

Sweet. Now if only my cat would quit peeing on my laundry.

Charity :-)

Carolina Beach Photos August 2009

So many pictures, so few subject matters...

Enjoy!
Charity :)

At Home in Asheboro August 2009

Mom, Seussie, Richard, and me.

Old Photos! (April 09)

I spoke with Sanks on the phone recently. I'm excited that he's coming back from India soon! In the meantime, it's awfully difficult to align convenient times to talk since India is 9.5 hours ahead of us.

Anyway, it reminded me that I hadn't posted these photos, which I found in my camera when I went to the beach. Oh, I guess I need to post those, too.

Charity :)

Pretty, Ugly. Tomato, Tomahto.

Someone made a CD for me and gave it to me tonight. Stuck in the middle there was an old song:



I used to love that song. I think when I was little I thought about that, about how pretty women would get their payback when no one would marry them. Because really, what women really need is another reason to compare their looks to the looks of other women, and judge each other based on these comparisons. Oh, and judge each other based on the success of getting a man.

"Hey man, I saw your wife the other day."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, and she's UGLY!!!!"
"Yeah she's ugly, but she sure can cook!"

It pisses me off that this song is so danceable, because I'd rather hate it; it might be responsible for a large number of my neuroses. That, and the teen novel I read that described a girl as beautiful and even more so because she didn't think she was. Somehow along the way, I became convinced that I was not pretty, and that my thinking so was a good thing. And I also got all of the advice (HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HEARD THIS?!?!) that as soon as I think I'm not going to meet someone; as soon as I give up on love, love will walk right in the door.

Almost a year ago this week my mom told me that I'm "one of those women who meets the perfect guy when she's 45." Yay. Great. I always think that's bullshit, and then another year passes and I find myself in the exact same position, with the exact same issues.

A friend told me that just because I change my behavior, I can't expect the world around me to change overnight. However, I would expect SOME difference. Instead, I'm still in the situation of having 1) guys who want to be my little brother, and 2) guys who want to go on one date with me (preferably without the date part).

I'm so fed up with the whole thing. And then I hear songs like the one above and it just tears me up inside. Mostly because I remember young Charity hearing this song and becoming convinced that having poor self-esteem is the way to meet a wonderful man and finally (of course, with the man's help) have the life I always wanted.

It's just so twisted. And I hate to say it, but I may have also been influenced by third wave feminists. I'm thinking, for example, of Ani Difranco's anthem of anti-pretty:

"Not A Pretty Girl"

I am not a pretty girl
that is not what I do
I ain't no damsel in distess
and I don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

I am not an angry girl
but it seems like I've got everyone fooled
every time I say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and I am sorry
I am not a maiden fair
and I am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally I agree with them
trouble is you gotta have youself an alternate plan
and I have earned my disillusionment
I have been working all of my life
and I am a patriot
I have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if I knew that and I called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

I am not a pretty girl
I don't want to be a pretty girl
no I want to be more than a pretty girl

As if pretty girls, as a rule, need to be rescued and can't be self-sufficient. I mean, sure she allows that the "kittens" in the "trees" might figure out how to get out of the trees, but why so defensive? Why so combative? So now I'm supposed to be irritated at beautiful women and at men? So basically what is left is me as an ugly spinster! Yay!!

Not a Pretty Girl

(This video was made by someone and posted on MySpace, obviously. It was the only video I could find of the entire song.)

All of that is bullshit. You have to be pretty, you have to know you're pretty, and you have to expect love to get love. You can't love another and allow them to love you if you don't love yourself.

And the thing about "pretty" that it took me so long to realize is that you can be pretty simply by KNOWING you're pretty. The truth is, if you think you're not, even if you are, you don't look pretty. You look sad, and bored, and rejected, and defensive, etc. And if you think you are, even if you're "not," you look pretty. You look fun, and happy, and warm, and inviting, and interesting. It's about carrying yourself, and about knowing what you want and deserve and having faith that it will come along.

Before Sunrise

Ok, ok. It's haunting me. I have to say something about Before Sunrise (Linklater, 1995). One of my girlfriends loves this movie so I guess I was expecting good things. "When Harry Met Sally" is her favorite movie, so I should not have been surprised at the nature of this movie. However, even though WHMS is cheesy and frequently eye roll-prompting, I found quite a few things to love about it. Not the case here. First, Ethan Hawke is gross in this movie. He looks gross, he acts like an asshole, his character is an idiot, annoying, and ignorant. I just can NOT see Julie Delpy's character falling for him. Of course, countless beautiful, intelligent, kind, awesome women have put up with less, especially when they are 23, so I guess that in and of itself is not surprising, but still. Also, the chemistry between the two actors was all off. At the beginning it didn't seem as if they were strangers--they were a little too close to each other and a little too comfortable. However, it wasn't like when you meet someone and want to talk all night or something--it was just... stilted seeming. Contrived. Unconvincing. I did like one scene--the one in the record store where they are in the listening booth and both want to kiss but are too shy. That was the one scene in the movie where I truly believed. It was almost as if it was filmed the first day the actors met and the director told them, "Ok, Ethan Hawke, meet Julie Delpy, Julie Delpy, meet Ethan Hawke. Now both of you get in this tiny room, listen to this record and pretend you like it even though it really sucks and is totally cheesy, and act like you want to kiss each other but are too nervous." Then once they had gone through that they had a connection, but since they (in this pretend world) filmed the beginning afterwards, it was unconvincing because they had already shared that moment. Getting back to the first problem I mentioned and relevant to the comment below (in the Roll Bounce review), this movie was pretty painful to watch also because it reminded me of a really crappy time in my life, where I was depressed and painfully insecure, and therefore dated a bunch of losery jerks and felt lucky to do so. Watching it I wanted to be like, "Julie Delpy, you are WAY too good for him! Don't be sad that you won't see him again. You will find someone totally awesome when you grow up and realize your own awesomeness. Please don't waste your time with him. If you spend time with him you will realize what a douchebag he is, but if you don't get off the train, he won't be given the chance to ruin it and it will always be a sweet romantic 'what if?' memory." Maybe that's colored by my own issues/history, but this is my review, so I reserve the right to color it. :-) Interestingly, Ethan Hawke convinces Julie Delpy to get off the train with him by arguing that if she doesn't, she will always wonder "what if?" I say, sometimes it's better to hang on to the fantasy. I notice that I have conflated the actors with the characters in this review. I can't remember the character names and don't care to look. Let's see, right: Jesse and Celine. Blegh. I'll leave it to you to guess which one was which. I also think the fact that I recently saw Julie Delpy (with Adam Goldberg) in 2 Days in Paris, which I slightly more (again, probably because of my own neuroses), has tainted my review a bit. It was also about a French girl walking around a European city with an American guy. But I'm sticking with it. The ferris wheel was neat, though. Image source.

Roll Bounce

I love this movie. I JUST LOVE IT. I can't even describe it. The skating, the funny, the love, the friendship. It's awesome. And the music. The music is great! Awful trailer (not nearly as good as the movie, trust me):

cake wrecks (blog link).

This is the funniest website I've seen in recent memory. I kept calling my co-worker back into my office to show her yet another crazy ridiculous cake. I wish I had that photo of my little brother's 11th birthday cake on which the decorator had represented him as a stick figure. With a third leg. Unfortunately that was before digital cameras. And I don't have a scanner.

menstruation.

according to Molly's nurse:





according to disney and kotex:






according to brian de palma and stephen king:

late summer cleaning.

I was talking with a friend about astrology the other day. Do I believe in it, etc? Some of my colleagues are surprised that I follow it - which I do out of curiosity rather than faith. However, in my life I (choose to) see a great deal of support for the personality aspects (not so much the daily horoscopes, in which I have absolutely NO faith).

I'm a Virgo. I have thought that to be so funny for some time, as I cannot for the life of me keep my apartment presentable (seriously, I mean presentable and not spotless or even mostly clean). However, I have realized that with this transitional period, I am cleaning out my life.

Now is my time to decide what I want and what I don't want. Finishing my dissertation enabled me to get rid of my albatross, so to speak, and I'm excited to see what else I can get rid of. I'm streamlining. I am afraid, though, that perhaps there are some things that should be retained even though they are stressors. At what point, for example, is a person worth getting rid of?I want to surround myself with positivity, but is that selfish? Or healthy? I can't tell with these things. To what extent do I sacrifice my own happiness in the interest of patience and "tolerance"?

I just feel so liberated and free from the dissertation, that I want to get rid of everything that's holding me back! To what extent am I obligated to wait for others? Is their happiness more important than mine? Can someone be truly happy if he or she is holding someone back or being held back by that person? At what point does self-sufficiency turn into snobbery or intolerance?

I want to approach people and my world with an open heart, but I feel strongly that I must protect myself, because of the way I've been hurt in the past. At what point do common sense and "lessons learned" become stubborn refusal to trust or tolerate others?

[And why did I get a sinus infection? Isn't my life supposed to be perfect from here on out?]

I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, but I also don't want to hang on to things I don't need anymore or that are holding me back. I guess the fact that I have a hard time trusting, forgiving, and letting go is making this a little more difficult than I expected.

Sometimes I miss the days when all I had to worry about was my dissertation.

[NOT.]

the ten

In honor of my achievements, I am here listing a collection of Charity-approved activities:

1) laying out at the pool for however long one wants to
2) listening to the soundtrack from Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist
3) reading for pleasure
4) watching (movie) Rachel Getting Married (not for everyone)
5) watching (tv show) Jericho
6) feeling the breeze on a summer's day
7) drinking margaritas
8) enjoying long weekends
9) skipping days in dieting
10) living with cats, esp. Sam y Max

I'm going to go do yoga and pretend I have enough money to pay rent.

Dr. Charity :)

sweet relief?

Soooo,

I finished my dissertation!! Hooray!! My therapist says I should really allow myself to enjoy things--that I don't usually do that. I was enjoying things. Then I went to pay my rent (note: 5 days late) and realized that I am $300 short. Now, I'd love to not sweat the small stuff in this case, but how exactly does one not sweat the inability to pay for one's residence?

I am supposed to start my new job in September, but as you may or may not have noticed, it is now only the beginning of July. This puts me, well, in deep trouble, basically. It's sad, too, because I was just thinking that I would reward myself with a new computer since my current one is really REALLY tired after six long years of labor. However, I imagine Henry the computer will have to just soldier on, since at this point I can't even afford to pay for my home office, my less a new computer to go in it.

And how's this for sad--I didn't think I would be able to go to the pool, because it was raining, so I opened my champagne from finishing my dissertation (a lovely gift) and now 1) It's not raining, 2) I'm tipsy, and 2) if I could drive, I wouldn't be able to enjoy the bubbly.

Oh, woah is me. Have you ever heard such a sob story? I can't wait until I actually have REAL problems. Oh wait, I mean...